It has now been a decade since the sentencing of my former husband. A lifetime in prison. I think about that most every day — not because I’m sad that he’s there, but because I still don’t understand child abuse. I’ll never understand child abuse. I’m sure of that!

Life has gone on, and I’m so thankful for that. Those initial days, weeks, and months of grieving what was lost, of blaming myself for not seeing the signs, and of seeing the pain in my children’s eyes has been nothing short of horrific. I can’t really put the right words into place on paper to describe the pain of those beginning years of the aftermath. There were times when I honestly didn’t believe life could continue on. Everything felt too painful and way too hard for us. Our family would never be whole again — not the way we wanted it to be. Not the way we longed for it to be. We would have to begin carving out a “new normal” as they say in the world of grief.

How do you begin? How do you begin life over after a tsunami has come through and shattered the very foundation on which you lived? What’s the first step? Who do you talk to to get help? What kind of help is needed first? Who will understand? Who will have the time and patience to care? Where will you get the strength to keep fighting to live?

In the next several posts I’ll be talking about these first steps. I’ll go into detail about what it means to be a “survivor” of abuse. I’ll be using excerpts from the journals I kept during this dark, hard, lonely times of trying to clear a path to some kind of normalcy. When I tell you it was hard, I’m not exaggerating. When you’ve had your world turned inside out and upside down it’s not easy to find “upright” again. When everything you believed was good and true and you find out that the very truth that you built your life with was a lie, it takes time to sift through the emotional pain and exhaustion and the thousands upon thousands of questions to find one single fragment left behind that makes sense and can be believed.

For the first several years following the sentencing and conviction, I felt relief, but it wasn’t comforting. Far from it. It was frightening. In many ways it still is. It frightens me to think that I shared every intimate thought and action with someone who was evil — someone who was a liar — someone who was willingly and skillfully hurting children, including mine. I think of times when I bared my soul with the man I thought was my soulmate and I feel only embarrassing shame. How could I be so stupid? I suppose I will struggle with that thought all of the remainder of my days on this earth. I loved him so much, and he betrayed me in the most vile of ways. He not only betrayed me, but he was a liar who used me. He used the innocence of so many people while adorning himself with the name of God.

And, I believed him. I trusted him. And, I will forever be sad and ashamed of that fact. I believed him — the liar of all liars. He wasn’t who he said he was, and I believed him.

My writings will be raw and straight from the heart. I want you to know what abuse does. I can’t speak for the children who were fondled and raped by him, but I can tell you about the mental torture that was used on me. I can tell you of the pain that I carry every day knowing children’s lives were impacted heavily by his evil. I can tell you that I go to bed every day asking God to help those who were harmed by him because I know that they struggle every day with pain and sorrow because their lives were redirected and greatly changed by his harmful actions. They didn’t ask for his evil. They trusted him, too. They believed him. Betrayer. Yes, ultimate liar, deceiver, and betrayer. That’s what he was. That’s what he is, and it’s hard to tuck this pain into a closet that holds the past. In fact, it’s impossible to do.

And, so I will share with you this journey to find life again. I will share with you what it has been like to try to find a healing place amid these ashes of brokenness. I will share my innermost thoughts. I will share the struggles along the way. And, I will share with you the hope that is finally being found.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. We will continue to learn and grow and be blessed together. I’m sure of it.

Until next time……

With love,

Clara