Married to a Pedophile: Words for Survivors of Abuse

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There are three words that every survivor of sexual abuse needs to hear, yet so often those words are never spoken!  These three words would make all of the difference in the world when it comes to healing.  Survivors of abuse have such a difficult time talking about their abuse, BUT when they make themselves vulnerable and say, “I have something to tell you” , they are at a pivotal time in their lives.  This takes guts — lots and lots of courage and guts — to say, “I’ve been abused”, and that is why these three words are so important to hear.                

“I BELIEVE YOU.” 

Those are the words that will help more than anything.

I was touched by an article I read today.  I take absolutely NO CREDIT for writing it.  I’m am sharing it with you giving full credit to Pamela Jacobs, attorney, advocate, and speaker.  Her credits are found at the end of this article.  Please read this and share it with those who need to hear these words:  “I BELIEVE YOU.”

PEOPLE EMBRACE SUFFERING
My grandmother had her back turned, her voice was cold. I was 15 years old and had just tried to end my life. After my attempt was interrupted by a phone call from a friend (or divine intervention), I put away the pills and walked into the kitchen, sobbing and shaking. I told my grandmother I needed to tell her something. But, I didn’t have to say it, because she already knew.

“Let me guess, he molested you.” 

He was my step-grandfather. And he had been sexually abusing me since I was 5 years old. What I wanted more than anything was for my grandmother — the woman who raised me — to hold me and tell me how sorry she was. I wanted her to believe me. But, instead, she stood coldly, with her back turned, and snarled, “You’re lying. I want you out of my house.”

Lying. The word stung. It was my worst fear. It hung over me, ran through me, for many years. Of all the horrible words I heard throughout my childhood, that was the most difficult to forget.

My grandmother refusing to believe me was as painful as the abuse itself. It made the abuse my fault. It validated his threats that no one would believe me, that I didn’t actually matter to anyone. And it made me feel worthless — which is exactly what he wanted.

After years of working on my own healing, and working with thousands of sexual assault survivors, I have learned that what we often need, even more than justice, is simply to be believed. And the fact is, we have no reason not to believe survivors. Only about 2-8% of sexual assault reports are “false” — and many believe the actual number is much lower. The myth that people frequently lie about rape is just that — a myth. In fact, most sexual assaults are never reported at all, largely due to survivors’ fear that they won’t be believed.

Our society tells us not to believe survivors. It’s easier to live in denial and pretend these horrific things don’t really happen. We often don’t believe survivors because it’s too hard to accept that these otherwise “nice guys” are doing such awful things. (People thought my step-grandfather was a “nice guy” too).  And it’s even more difficult to accept that we could all be at risk.

But, we have to stop disregarding the truth simply because we don’t want to hear it. The more we ignore the truth, and disregard survivors’ experiences, the more this epidemic will grow.  Every time we refuse to believe a survivor — the rapist wins.

But with just three words — I believe you — we can instill hope and healing. We can change the conversation about sexual assault and encourage survivors to come forward. And we can take power away from rapists and give it back to those who deserve it — those who have survived.

It has been more than 20 years since my grandmother refused to believe me. Yet still, every time some caring person who has heard me speak reaches out and says “I believe you,” every time a friend or loved one tells me they believe me — I am speechless. Every time I hear those words, I feel empowered, supported, and I heal a little bit more.

If you truly want to help survivors heal, if you truly want your loved ones to be safe, you have to start by believing. When someone courageously shares his or her story with you, say “I believe you” — and mean it.  It is the most powerful and meaningful gift you can give.

If anyone reading this has survived, and has never heard it, or needs to hear it again — I believe you.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you are not alone.  Advocates are available to talk with you 24 hours a day at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

[Pamela Jacobs is an attorney, advocate, and speaker dedicated to empowering women and ending sexual and domestic violence. Find her at http://pamelajacobs.com.]

            Follow Pamela Jacobs on Twitter:             www.twitter.com/PSBJacobs   

Thank you, Pamela Jacobs for these powerful words.  You have helped so many survivors of abuse today!!!

Sincerely,

Clara   

25 thoughts on “Married to a Pedophile: Words for Survivors of Abuse”

      • Clara, I know that magic formulas don’t exist. I believe God’s divine intervention is what I need to search for. He has a plan and my plan may not be His plan. I know when I give up my plan life is much better. : ) Sometimes hard for me to do. I have a strong will most days. When I put that will to Christ on my knees life is better. : )

  2. Nice as far as this goes, but teenaged boys who were molested as little boys tend to be abandoned in this subject. They are fortunate if they find a decent pastor, but those who have a clue how to address this are rare.

    • Robert, The deeper I delve into the issues of abuse, the more I understand how little support and knowledge there is to help boys who have been molested. We need trained, caring professionals in this area so much! You’re “spot on” with what you are saying. I have no answers as to why there isn’t more help for boys except it’s a very taboo subject to talk about and it takes great, great courage for a boy to speak up. And, when he does, the help is so often not there, yet the results of molestation linger forever. I wish I had more answers…………..

      • The reason there is little help on the subject IMO is that there is a certain cultural expectation for the boy to be tough. When I was molested by an older boy, total stranger which I understand to be quite rare, I attributed it to creative bullying. No teenage boy will ever initiate an abuse allegation against an older boy, not because he is afraid he won’t be believed, but because he will fear being accused of being gay.

        • Robert, I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’m so very sorry that you had to go through so much pain. So very sorry. I “get it” about boys of abuse not speaking out for fear of being gay. Abuse is such a self-demeaning thing to begin with, and there’s just something that is so self-degrading about a boy saying he was molested by another boy/man. I pray that the stigma of speaking out can be overcome. It must be overcome in order to get help. Thank you for your insight.

          • I am 98% healed. That is why I make the suggestions that I do. I only have occassional moments of stress. It is not daily or even weekly. that is why i suggest the things that i do, the Roots By the River site, for instance. God doesn’t want us to live under guilt nor shame.

      • Linda, Thanks so very much for this resource. Years ago, I heard Josh McDowell speak. But, at that time, he did not speak of being violated. This is one of the most POWERFUL, HELPFUL testimonies to child sexual abuse I’ve ever heard. I hope many, many, many will watch this video! Again, thank you. You are a wealth of information and a great help to those who visit this site!

        • Agree, Clara. The saddest part about Josh M’s experience is that he did not talk about it until he was in his >>70’s<<<!!!! He has accomplished so much and given so much to others. Imagine how free, healed, whole and joyful he could have been if he had begun to process the grief many years ago.

          • Linda, So very true. There is such a fear with sharing, though, so I “get it.” I really, really do. And, it’s even more frightening for someone who is in the public eye, I think. The book, “Miss America by Day” helped me understand the silence of victims so much. Marilyn said that her biggest fear of going public with the fact that her father molested her was, “How will people ever look at me and love me? Nobody could love someone like me.” Sexual abuse makes a person feel “unlovely” and “not worthy to be loved.” I hope and pray that I live long enough to see that stigma go away!

  3. I would have loved to hear those word. Even my former husband said, “I don’t know” but never “I believe you.

    • Dear, dear Brenda R., I’m so very sorry. So, so sorry. “I believe you.” “I truly believe you.” I know it’s not the same coming from me, but I want you to know that I believe you and I’m so sorry that you didn’t have the support you needed. 🙁

      • Today, well over the last week, I have come to the conclusion (after 57 years on this earth) that the only men who want me are abusers or those who just want to have fun for a short term (a few dates while they are looking for someone else). It’s as if I have tattooed on my forehead, “kind and loving, please mistreat me”. Men who are kind and gentle–look the other way. I have thought about drinking, which I don’t do, running my car off the road. I keep asking why doesn’t God just take me home? There can’t possibly be any reason for my life. What purpose is there in all of this? I pounded the keys on my piano for an hour. Farther Along, Until then and then I got to the song Where No One Stands Alone. I hit those keys harder and harder. I don’t seem to be able to pray. I’d rather be in a cardboard box than even be with an abuser or sexual predator again, but I am so tired of being alone. I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be ok, but I can’t see where it ever will be. The tears keep flowing and I can’t seem to stop. I know you believe me Clara. Just a few weeks ago, I felt so upbeat and strong and now I am right back to jello. I just want it to stop.

        • Dear, dear Brenda R, I’m so very sorry to hear you so “down” on life in general. I think most of us go through these times when we question why things are as they are, and we wish we had someone to hold us close and make it all okay. You sound like such a precious, beautiful person! Living a lonely life is so difficult. There are times in my own life when I get so sad that I’m alone, too. But, I won’t allow myself to sink too deeply into those thoughts because they serve no purpose except to discourage us more and push us deeper into the pit of depression. The emotions you’re feeling are normal — very, very normal. Not all men are abusers. There are some kind, gentle, caring, loving men out there. Unfortunately, I don’t have the magic formula to finding them. I have a feeling that the upcoming holidays are playing into your overwhelming sadness right now. Try to get as many tears out as possible, then put a halt to your self-destructive thoughts. Please, if you feel as though your sadness is too much, promise me that you will seek some professional help. My love to you for a much better, brighter week ahead.

          • I know that we have never met and may not this side of Heaven, but you have become very dear to me. My despair didn’t last through the night and I am in a much better place today. God is good in all things, it sometimes takes me a while to open my eyes. I haven’t had those types of thoughts since my teen years. It was frightening. My friend emailed me late after she got home and was quick to respond and pray with me. She then sent me a Beth Moore clip on PS 42-43. It was just what I needed to hear. “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

          • I just referenced the bitterness booklet because that is what he is best known for. I wasn’t tryingto imply that you were bitter. My apologies if that is what you thought.

          • Robert, No harm done. The word “bitter” just doesn’t set well with me. It seems to be the word many people want to use as a catch all. If you have strong feelings towards any topic, you’re just bitter.

        • I know women like you Brenda. I am thinking of someone in particular as I am writing this. YOU HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH ABUSIVE MEN IIS NORMAL. It happened to you at a very young age. Decent men have probably tried to get your attention, but until you break the conditioning, you will not be able to find the good ones attractive. What I would advise is to go to Roots By The River. It is a blog by a very wise pastor. He led me to Christs salvation the help.. Spend an hour or so reading his blog entries. He is around 87. He can help you and he will do it via email. For free. I tried to put the link up, but I am not sure it worked. This applies to anyone who needs

          • Thank you Robert, I will look at this blog. Your evaluation is correct and now being an old-er woman, the pickins are slim.

          • Are you speaking of James Wilson? When I bring up Roots by the River on google there are several blogs, websites and books.

          • Thank you, Robert. I don’t feel in the least bit bitter. There have been NO decent men who have approached me. I was not popular in school and married a member of my church at 18. That lasted 6 years and ended when I finally admitted to myself that he was committing adultery with anyone he could find amongst other immoral behavior. I did intend to marry a “decent” man who became a Christian while dating him. He died shortly before we were to be married. After that the only ones who took a glance my way have either been abusers or attempting to use me in some way. At that point I believed that God really hated me and this was my curse from him. I know the red flags now. I was reading an article yesterday in which the children of a couple married 64 years described their parents marriage and spoke about all of the love notes that they had one to the other. That sounds like a dream or fairy tale to me, but it does happen for some people. They honestly love one another and do not abuse their children or other peoples children. I am fine with my singleness and whatever the Lord has in store for me, but if God gave me the opportunity for a good man to love me and I could love and respect………

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