I’m writing this with a very mixed bag of emotions. Who wants to talk to the world about what goes on behind closed doors in their bedroom? And, who wants to talk about this when family and friends are reading? I know for a fact that I don’t want to talk about it, but there have been so many questions people have asked me that I feel compelled to write at least a little bit about this topic because it’s so very important to know how a pedophile can love children in an unnatural way, be enamored with them, get totally turned on by them, think about children day and night in sexual ways, go to great lengths to make up master plans to touch them, fondle them, get them to do things to stimulate themselves as well as satisfy the predator, and then eventually cross that line of actually having sex with a child — all the while having a relationship with a wife.
I do not know the “all” of this, nor do I claim to be an expert on this topic. What I do know is what it was like for me to be married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years.
If you are new to this blog, I strongly suggest that you begin at the very beginning of my story. This blog is written in increments that are building blocks of information that will help you piece together the red flags that should have set off an alarm with me, but didn’t. It is my hope that as you read, you will be able to identify the warning signs so that you don’t have to go through forty years to find answers.
So, what was it like? What was the sexual part of married life like? We had eleven children together and people have constantly made comments about what a wild sex life we must have had. Hmmm…..not hardly. Not so at all. In fact, most times if I didn’t initiate sex, there would have been none.
Night after night after night I would go to bed waiting for some kind of physical touch. I would have loved holding hands. A kiss goodnight. A hug. Anything. But, part of the control as I understand it now was to make me cry. To make me want. To make me feel needy and small and insignificant and unappreciated. To make me feel unattractive. Unloved. Unwanted. Yes, even in our earliest years of married life together “I” was the one who had to constantly ask for some kind of physical intimacy. How humiliating to be sharing this!!!
You might be wanting to ask a question I get asked frequently. “Were you a virgin when you got married.” Yes, I was. And, John said he was, although now I don’t at all believe that. I dreamed about my wedding night and how wonderful it would be to present my body to the man of my dreams knowing that he was the one and only man I’d ever given myself to in that way. Sadly, the entire episode was over in 5 minutes and I was made to feel cheap and dirty.
Was he pushy? Sometimes. I’ll not share on this blog details but there were things that John did to me that made me wonder what was going on. This was the same man who never had sex with a light on. Never allowed me in the bathroom with him. Never would dream of stepping into the bathroom when I was showering. He acted like he was totally uninterested. At times he acted totally disgusted if he saw me unclothed. And, he was. Now, I know and understand that.
I can’t put into words how cheap this made me feel.
I used to listen to some of my friends talking about having to push their husbands away because they wanted sex all of the time. Not mine. In fact, on many, many occasions he couldn’t perform even when we’d gone as long as a month or more without any intimacy. I now know why. He was fulfilling himself with porn and visions of little children, and later on with groping, touching, fondling and eventually having sex with children. He didn’t need me or want me.
My heart feels broken all over again — for those precious children who were used and abused. And, I’m angry that he used me as a way to conceal who he really was — a man who was not interested in adult sex. That was NOT his turn-on!
Sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a complex means of communication. Yes, it is a physical fulfillment for both, but it is also an emotional bond of love and a means of saying, “You’re the most special person in this world and the only one that I am willing to share this part of myself with.” To be denied that type of communication within a marriage hurts to the very core of a person’s heart.
After years and years of “torment”, and this is what the sexual deprivation/demand cycle was for me, I shut down and finally decided to move out of our bedroom. It was like something inside of me snapped — the final straw. I don’t know how I mustered the courage, but I finally said “no” to him. I no longer would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep when he turned his back on me. I would no longer reach out for him to hold my hand. I no longer would accommodate him when he wanted to have intimacy (which was very rarely).
And, he was shocked! We had many arguments the last five years together over this. I now understand that his control over me was beginning to unravel and I’m sure that was unsettling to him. I slept on the couch. Sadly, my heart hardened and I made a promise to myself that no more would I allow him to hurt me in this way. No more would I beg to be touched. No more would I cry because I was shoved away. It’s strangely true that after a while the pain becomes numb. I stopped feeling.
This part of our lives was over. BUT, the interesting thing to me was that John loved to tell stories at church that “hinted” how much we were having sex together. He’d make comments such as, “We had a wild night last night. Forgive me for such a short sermon.” Or, “Look out — there just might be another little Hinton on the way.” He knew it embarrassed me, but he also knew I’d never speak out — I’d never tell about his lies. Even now part of me feels like a betrayer — that’s just how complete manipulation and control work.
So, what were the red flags? What should I have seen that I didn’t?
1. Any husband who loves his wife will communicate with her verbally and sexually. John refused to do either. The topic was off-limits. He did what he wanted, when he wanted and that was that. Period.
2. He knew how much this “denial” hurt, yet he continued to do this making me feel humiliated when I asked. And, I’m not just talking about intercourse. I’m talking about holding hands, kissing, back rubs — any kind of touching. He said it made him squeamish and he didn’t like it. He used a lame excuse that when I touched him he could feel his blood moving through his veins and it gave him the creeps. So, he didn’t want to be touched.
3. Once I got pregnant, the sex stopped. I got pregnant easily, and for John this was a blessing. If I was pregnant, I felt satisfied. I had a baby growing inside of me and I wasn’t as interested in intimacy with him. He knew that. Pregnancy was a perfect escape for him. In fact, it was a double whammy. He had me where he wanted me — at home, and quiet. I wouldn’t beg him for any type of attention when I was pregnant.
4. He had control. Sex was when he wanted and no other time. He did not take me into consideration. He was in charge, and no matter how much I cried or tried to talk to him about it, he wouldn’t change. Period. Total control!
Of course I haven’t shared everything with you. It’s hard enough sharing this much. But, people wonder if men who are pedophiles can have sex with a woman. Yes, they can. But, I wouldn’t call the sex “making love.” I’d call it a “chore.” I’m sure some pedophiles enjoy both women and children — an even more complicated mixed bag. But, the man I was married to made it very clear that I was not the one who satisfied him. Again, very humiliating!
The bottom line is this: It’s all about control. I’ll say it again. It’s all about control.
If you are in a marriage and you are experiencing similar things “behind closed doors”, please seek counseling. This isn’t normal. This really and truly isn’t healthy for a marriage. Marriage is give and take in all areas of life!
If you are being shoved away by the very one who says he loves you, something is very, very wrong. If you are belittled time and time again, humiliated, and hurt, something is very wrong. If there is no verbal communication, generally there is also very poor intimate communication. You cannot have one without the other.
What does all of this have to do with child abuse? Truthfully, everything! Pedophiles use children to fulfill their fantasies. They often have wives who love and adore them, but they are more interested in scheming, planning, and grooming children to fulfill their insatiable appetite for children.
Please, if you are in a marriage, and you are experiencing this type of mental, emotional, and physical abuse, get help now! There is something wrong. Don’t fool yourself into thinking this is just a passing phase. I’m not saying all men who push away their wives are pedophiles, but I am saying something is wrong and you need to get help!
I hope this has answered some of your questions, and I pray that some of you have been enlightened. We need to be on guard at all times! Don’t allow a predator to come after your child in order to satisfy his unnatural, hurtful, desires for children. Please take this seriously. I wish I had been more aware of what a really solid marriage was like — in all areas of life. Learn from me. You are beautiful. You are precious. You are special. Nobody should ever have to beg for love.
And, for heaven’s sake, no child should ever be placed in an at-risk situation with a malicious, harmful molester!!!!
Please let’s do all we can to keep our children safe!!! Yes, these things are embarrassing to talk about. But, for the sake and safety of our children, let’s put our embarrassment aside and bring these things to light. This is the ONLY way we’re going to stop these predators. They’re counting on us not talking. They’re counting on us to continue to keep their lies safely hidden away.
No more! It’s time to speak the truth for the sake of our children!
Thank you for reading and hanging in here with me. Together, we will make this a safer place for our children!
Love,
Clara