Control. That’s what pedophiles are all about. Some people think it’s the sex they have with children. It’s not. It’s all about control.
As followers of this blog, you know that I was married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years — a lifetime — without knowing it. Some have scoffed me and said there’s no way he could get away with these actions without you knowing it. Others have written and poured their hearts out saying, “If I didn’t know better I’d think you were writing about my life. I lived with a molester, too, and had no idea!”
If you’re new to this blog, I strongly suggest you start here because reading from the beginning will lay out the complete picture as to how pedophiles work. And, I do mean they work hard at plotting, planning, coercing, and priming their victims getting ready for the attack. There is a thrill — a very real sense of power that comes over a pedophile when he has finally won and has another victim.
I’m here to say that we are smarter than the pedophile. We are more powerful than the pedophile. We are no longer going to keep silent about the pedophiles of this world because we have children to save!
Let’s pick up with my story……….. John had been becoming more and more open with his odd behavior, and neither I nor the kids knew what to make of it. He began hoarding food in the trunk of his car. He also bought things like kid’s clothing, sun tan lotion, towels, and kid’s toys and kept them in his car. When asked what he was doing his reply came quickly and easily.
“I’m always prepared to help someone. I know how hard it is for parents who are raising kids. It gets stressful and they need a break. So, I figured I’d just keep things in my car and be ready to help. Now that I’m almost fully retired, I have time to help out and do the things I’ve always wanted to do for people.”
That sounds nice. In fact, it sounds wonderful and somewhat puts the rest of us to a bit of shame for not caring enough to give of our time as freely as John was doing.
But, in the back of my head there was a constant, nagging question.
“Why?” “Why at his age would he be doing things like looking to babysit kids? That’s a LOT of hard work!” I kept thinking about myself and how I was pretty much burned out with taking care of kids from raising my own. I know how hard it is to pack up kids for a trip to the movies or for a quick trip to McDonald’s. I know what a pain it is to pack lunches for kids to take them out to a park for the day. They get into so much that by the end of the day it hasn’t been relaxing at all. Instead, it’s been a hard day’s work.
The more I thought, the more it didn’t make sense.
John and I were separated at this time, but he still talked to me frequently. And, he emailed almost daily. “Hey, I’m running a little short on cash this week. Would it be okay if I came over and raided your cupboards? I want to pick up some kids from church and take them out for a fun day and I don’t have brownie mix or frosting. Do you have some I could use?”
Every now and then, I’d let him know where sales were going on so that he could stock up on snack items. And, did he ever stock up! He not only filled the trunk of his car, the cupboards in the home where he was living, but his “overflow” went into the garage! Yes, I kid you not! He had boxes and boxes of cereal, cookies, and snack items stored in the garage!
“Crazy”, I thought. “That man has gone crazy. I just don’t get it.”
He also bought new toys — toddler toys mostly for girls — and kept them on hand to give to children.
I love children, too, but I didn’t go around thinking I had to provide Christmas for children year-round. What in the world was going on with him?
One day I got a call from a member of the church where John was attending. This lady asked if she could talk to me for just a minute or two about something that was bothering her. I didn’t really know her, but agreed to talk with her.
“I know that you and John are no longer together, but we think he is such an amazing man. He is loved so much by our congregation, and he’s beginning a beautiful ministry with children. The only thing that is a little troublesome is the fact that he is an older man and works in the nursery. So, I thought I’d call you just to put my mind at ease about him being the father of eleven children.”
You know what? I never hesitated a moment to talk with her about his relationship with his kids. There’s no doubt that he was a great dad. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, he was the father who attended every basketball game, every dance recital, and every school play. He’s the father that baptized every one of his children, and was now performing their wedding ceremonies.
What was there to say to this woman except that he was a great dad? She wasn’t asking about our relationship. She didn’t want to know why the two of us were no longer living as husband and wife. This wasn’t the time for me to be sharing the “odd behavior” that he had displayed all of our married lives.
Or was it?
I’ll always beat myself up over the fact that I had some inner nagging feeling that something was very wrong with John. I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t connect the dots. But something was wrong. I just knew it!!! But, I knew that I’d come off like a bitter wife if I began telling her things that had nothing to do with his role as a father.
And, so she hung up the phone feeling satisfied that her church had found a wonderful Christian leader. And, I sunk into a chair in total disgust thinking, “There is something that is NOT making sense with this man and I sure wish I could figure out what it is!”
About this same time John made a phone call to one of our daughters and in the course of their conversation he said something that stood out as really bizarre — so much so that she told me about it later on.
In his talking to her, he shared that he had been swimming and saw several young girls and they were so beautiful. In fact, he said their bodies were sleek and trim and one day they were going to make such beautiful young women. She said he told her they were around seven years old.
What? I asked her to repeat what her dad had said and she did. And, as the conversation continued I knew where it was going. She was feeling rather badly for her dad because we were no longer together and he was being deprived sexually. He had told her in that same conversation that he missed me so much that he often thought of driving himself into a tree or running his car off of a cliff.
She was afraid for his life! And, really, what child wouldn’t have deep concern if a parent told them that?
I sunk deeper into silence than I had been in a long time. I felt miserable. I felt like I was the cause of so much family pain.
And, then I snapped back into reality and thought more clearly. Wait a minute! This is the same guy that left ME with a mortgage, thousands of dollars of debt, two daughters, and handed me his own “letter of separation” stating that he would not pay me one penny of child support, nor would he give me a cent towards keeping the house.
This is the same person who gave me a skull for Mother’s Day as my one and only gift.
This is the same person who was spending money he didn’t have to buy gifts for other children when he refused to give me one penny for his own children.
This is the same man who turned his back on me in bed for years refusing a sexual relationship with me even though I humiliated myself by begging him. (How embarrassing to publicly admit this!)
Something wasn’t right!!!!!
Let’s look for a minute at some of the red flags that were waving.
1. Buying toys for kids and keeping them in his car. BIG red flag for a child molester! Pedophiles use a strategy known as grooming and this is just what John was doing. He was giving innocent children toys in order to gain their trust so that he could have complete accessibility to them — with the blessing of their parents.
2. Free babysitting. Another BIG red flag for a man who was almost 60 years old! Why would a man this age want to exhaust his time and energy changing kids’ diapers, and piling kids into car seats, packing them lunches and taking them out for the day? Pedophiles do this because it give them free access to YOUR child!!! If only I knew then what I know now!
3. Buying lots and lots of snacks and goodies for kids. Sure it’s fine to have a candy dish on hand when kids come to visit. I do that for my grandkids. BUT, I don’t stock my car with candy and snacks and treats for kids. I don’t pick up kids and take them out giving them toys and treats. In fact, I’m never alone with kids. Rarely do I take my own grandkids alone with me. Why? Because quite truthfully I’m at an age where I’m tired. Yes, I love kids, but I don’t live and dream about ways I can get little kids to take car rides with me. Another BIG red flag!
4. Working alone in a church nursery. I realize that a lot of people will say, “We can’t get volunteers for our nursery, so we’re lucky to have just one person.” Well, what about the man who “insists” on running the nursery and the kid’s program at church? Beware! The church is a pedophile’s playground!!!
5. Insisting on giving parents relief from their children. I know that it’s great to have a beloved babysitter — one your kids love and adore. But, I’m telling you to beware of the one who insists on watching your kids to give you a night out. The pushy babysitter, the all-too-good babysitter, the babysitter who brings toys and treats, the babysitter who is a sixty-year-old man………………BEWARE!!!!!!! These are your children we’re talking about! The pedophile is counting on exhausted moms and dads to hand over their kids!
6. Language. Pay attention to the words a person speaks. John had “slipped up” many times in front of us, but we didn’t know it at the time because we were totally naïve about child molestation. He used words such as “princess”, “munchkin”, “my sweetheart”, “my special one” when referring to children he babysat. Pay attention to the possessive word “my” or “mine.” They are very important words in the language of a pedophile.
These things that John was doing — buying the toys and candy, stocking his car and garage, insisting on babysitting, pushing himself to begin a young children’s program at church, and then talking about how beautiful little children’s bodies looked are a compilation of his escalation in his world of pedophilia. John was gaining access to more and more children at this time. He was building trust with parents. He was building trust with children.
He was molesting! He was becoming more and more visible with his actions at this time. He was daring. He was open. He was testing.
And, nobody caught on! And, he knew nobody caught on! He gave clue after clue, hint after hint, and nobody questioned him. Nobody dared think wrongfully of him. He portrayed himself as a loving, gentle, genuine man of God!
The more education we receive, the more empowered we become. And, the more able we are to protect our children! If you suspect any kind of abuse, report it! It’s better to err on the side of being wrong than to turn your head and shrug off actions as just being a bit odd.
Keep your eyes and ears open at all times. And, don’t entrust your children to others freely! Be smart! Ask your kids questions. Let them know they can tell you anything. And, when they do tell you, please believe them! Kids don’t make up lies about being molested!
Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping! Thank you for caring! Most of all, thank you for helping to be a voice for the children!
Love,
Clara
PS If you cannot attend the workshop, but are interested in a DVD, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com . Due to the large number of people responding I cannot answer each email individually, but you will be contacted when the DVD’s are available.
Don’t know how in the world you stood him for as long as you did. Yes, I agree, he was always a bit strange to me. I am so amazed that you are in as good a shape mentally as you are. This has got to be one of the strangest stories I’ve ever heard.
Love to you and the children,
Betty
Betty,
There are tons more “strange” things that I’ve not shared, obviously. But, it was a mental wearing down process over the years that I’ll talk about as the story progresses. There was a lot of damage done, and I’m still in the rebuilding/healing stage, but it feels so good to use the word “healing.”! I can go to bed at night and sleep so well — what a blessing not to be plagued by fear, confusion, and anxiety anymore!
Love to you always,
Clara
My family member was molested by a husband and wife. They had “storytime” at their home for children after school hours. They lived right by my loved one’s home.
Churches need to do away with nurseries. Watch your own children.
Ann, I’m so very sorry. 🙁 Sixty percent of all reported child sexual abuse has taken place by a family member or close friend and that is a terrifying thing to think about. I cannot imagine what must go through a child’s mind as far as who they feel safe to trust when the abuse has taken place by a family member or close friend of the family. Trust issues are major issues for those who have been abused.
I’m okay with church nurseries, although I never used one myself. I always kept my children with me. I just think we need to be certain that our nurseries are safe — all glass, and that there is never only one person alone with children.
My comment was to specifically address that a husband AND a wife committed the crimes. Her presence didn’t stop the abuse; she actually participated in it. Having more than one person around means nothing.
Having a glass enclosed nursery would not deter a sexual abuser. Parents would be engrossed in the sermon most of the time; after all they use the nursery “to get a break”. Unless their eyes are watching the whole time there’s plenty of opportunity for abuse especially if the perpetrator(s) are changing diapers or taking the children to the restroom. You’ve even said how your ex could have a crowd of people around and still molested children. It’s not worth the risk to the children.
Ann, The safe church policy that my son Jimmy has written addresses every one of the issues you’ve stated. Sadly, what you said is 100% accurate, and you’re right — John did fondle and molest in the very presence of others. He is counted among the most severe of violators because of the intensity of his violations to children.
I have a growing concern about “teams of violators” — in your case, the husband and wife team. That is something that is rarely discussed or addressed. That, to me, is horrifying — yet I know from my research that often members of families will choose one child to molest. I cannot wrap my mind around how terrible that is for the child — who can that child trust if both a mother and father are involved in the abuse?
There is no way we can be totally certain our children are safe except to keep them in our care at all times, and as you know that’s impossible. As far as church nurseries, like I said — I never used one. I opted to keep my children with me all of the time. Sometimes I simply don’t have the answer and this is one of those times. Daycares, nurseries, babysitters — I’m not sure how to fool-proof those unless we have a method of screening which Jimmy and I are working on. Thank you for your comments. And, thank you for being a parent who is making sure to keep her children safe!
There is only one man who volunteers for child care at the church, but he does so with his wife. I think that makes it safe for not only the children, but for his protection.
This is a good red flag list for the person who is in a position to have access to many children. Did anyone know about the separation papers that he gave you? That was such a horrible thing to do to you and your children. Giving things to others and not taking care of his own family would not make him generous, that in itself made him a selfish monster.
Brenda, I think you have the key element (that is *mostly* foolproof, but not always) — that TWO people do the babysitting, never should one be alone! We’re just way too lax with allowing our children to be alone with others, and that is never a good practice.
No, I didn’t share with the general public John’s letter of separation. I took it to my attorney and he said I was crazy not to go after John for child support and spousal support. I didn’t do either. At that point in my life I was basically done in from him. I was too weak to go to battle. I kept a lot of things to myself. Even now as I share things there is a judgment, of sorts, going on. Can you imagine how difficult it would have been to share something like the letter of separation at a time when John had a large, faithful following of family and friends? I simply wasn’t up to the challenge. Besides, I didn’t want the girls to know what their dad had said. That was something that brought out his true character to me.
I try very hard not to “should” anyone. I have enough “should have’s” to fill my apartment on my own and will not add to yours.
I personally don’t like church nursery’s at all and think they are a bad idea, but many people feel it is a blessing to the parents. I always had my children with me in church unless they were in SS class. That didn’t start until around age 4. I am not sure it is safe to leave teens with others any longer.
My daughter who is expecting has already said that she will not put her child in a nursery and is hesitant about SS, because of what they may teach. She does not want to undo bad theology.
Brenda, I always kept my kids in church with me, too. That being said, I’ve attended large congregations where that just isn’t a good practice due to the little kids needing attention, crying, etc. BUT, one of the best nurseries I ever saw was one that was ALL GLASS where every child and every adult could be seen at all times, parents were allowed in and out at any time, all diaper changing, etc., was done with TWO people — never was one adult alone with a young child. They obviously were/are ahead of the game when it comes to having a safety policy in place!
We have a cry room for women and another for men, both wired with sound from the sermon. That way, if women need to nurse, the option is available.
Robert, I think this is a great option! Thanks for sharing.
Another life-changing journal. Thank you for sharing. I a reminded of the truth written in Revelation, “they overcame by the word of their testimony and the blood of the Lamb”.
As you put your experience into words, other people are helped and healed.
Linda, Thank you so much for your affirming words. I prayed, and prayed hard, that God would help me to use the words in this post to reveal just how much a pedophile “plans” when making his/her “choice” of a child to abuse. It’s definitely hard to imagine, but oh so true! And, they leave behind so many “clues” — but because we’re often groomed to trust the person, we don’t see things clearly.
You know I was molested as a kid, so you know I understand the seriousness. I also lived through a mass false allegation of sexual abuse of kids. Really. Google the Wenatchee Sex Ring. Cops got it into their head that children were being abused. They thought that most of the adults in a church were in on it together. Turned out, nobody was being abused, but a lot of families were destroyed. My girlfriend at the time had a fear of being falsely accused. She lived in Wenatchee. This was in the news for well over a year.. Kids can be coerced into false allegations, by both parents seeking custody and by overzealous police or social workers. It does happen. That is why judges are cautious.
Robert, I do know that there are rare instances when “coercion” has happened, but in my story, there were no false allegations. In fact, I know with 100% certainty that John Hinton molested a LOT more children than he got charged for because several have confided in me privately — they just weren’t strong enough to go through the process involved with police and an investigation to charge him. While I appreciate you showing the other side of the coin, I stand firm in believing that there are countless pedophiles walking around freely because they’re counting on the very thing you’re saying — the kids won’t be believed.
Thank-you so much for your diligence in sharing all these red flags and educating others.
This past weekend there was a Women’s Retreat at our church. They offered childcare. There was this 23 year old single guy there that always volunteers for childcare and baby sitting. I have always thought something seems off with him. I have no proof he has ever been inappropriate, but thanks to your blog my children did not stay there, and I simply didn’t stay for the retreat. Better safe than sorry.
How do you know if someone is simply good and kind, or is hiding something much more sinister?
Carrie,
You have asked the million dollar question. “How do we know if someone is simply being good and kind, or is hiding something?” I wish I had a foolproof answer for that, but I don’t. However, you said something that is very, very important. There seems to be something a “little off” with him. Go with your gut feelings! And, I have to ask the question, “Why is a single 23 year old guy at a women’s retreat to babysit?” I hope that he wasn’t left alone with children. NOBODY should be left alone with children in this day and age. Ask questions, and go with that inner feeling!
We all have to be careful. Great post on being watchful and careful. However, there is nothing wrong with under circumstances having young men or young women be babysitters. They need to never be alone, but when we relegate this job only to women, we basically tell our young men that fatherhood does not involve caring for children. We have to have balance.
Martha, Thanks so very much for your comment. And, you’re right — we shouldn’t *discourage* young men to help care for children by any means. BUT, I’m going to caution everyone again. Any young (or old) boy (or girl) who INSISTS on babysitting ALONE FOR FREE is a red flag! I don’t care how nice of a person they seem to be, they need to be watched. I have too many cases that have been shared with me now about nice, wonderful, caring people who babysat alone (who were molesting children). John was 62 and molesting children since the age of 14 (by his own admission in court). He was the cherished and trusted babysitter in his church. People loved him. He had the look and actions of innocence. Yet, I sat in court and heard him say, “The first time I molested a little girl was when I was fourteen.” USE CAUTION when allowing others to babysit your children is my mantra to all!