Sometimes I feel it’s necessary to veer from my normal writing pattern and share some inner glimpses of where my heart is — right at this moment. And, that’s just what I’m going to do today.
A few nights ago, I was having a rough time. I had spoken to three different victims of child sexual abuse on that particular day, and after hearing their stories of pain and suffering, I began thinking about the man I had shared my life with for almost forty years. I began thinking about all of the pain that this one man — a man who called himself a preacher and teacher of the word of God — caused to so many different people. After hearing from these victims of child abuse, my mind began thinking about how horrible it is to have to try to put your life back together again when a pedophile abuses not just your physical body but your mind.
And, the more I thought, the more pained I became and the more angry I got! I didn’t sleep a wink that night. Instead, as I cried, I wrote down my thoughts. And, the more I wrote, the more I cried until I thought I could cry no more.
I decided to share a few of my thoughts with you so that you understand more completely what kind of torment victims of abuse suffer. And, it is my prayer that by your understanding, you will continue to be motivated to become more educated about the mind and workings of pedophiles and other abusers so that you can help in this God-given work to prevent child sexual abuse and help keep our children safe!
This is an unedited version of a few thoughts that I wrote one night last week. Raw. Real. Deep. Questioning.
From my journal:
“There are moments when I feel so alone and afraid in this life and I long for nothing more than for strong arms to pull me close and tell me that all will be well. And, I curse you — the one who abused so many — for lying to me, for deceiving me, for using me and so many others. I curse you loudly and I wish so much that you could hear. I wish that my words could reach you and hurt you in a thousand different ways more than you hurt others.
I curse you. I scream how much I hate what you’ve done. And, yes, I even shout that I hate you! And, then I soak my pillow with the hot tears that are streaming down my face for turning into someone who I never wanted to become.
And, I beg God to forgive me.
In the middle of the night when life feels so dark and lonely, I question God again. Why? Why did you allow me to marry this man when you knew who he was? Why did you answer my prayers for a kind, compassionate Christian man by giving me a man who went about doing so much evil? Why was he the one you chose for me out of all of the men in the universe? Why, God? Why?
And, I think thoughts that never should be my thoughts. I am angry. I am hurt. I am full of questions and I have no answers — none this make any sense.
Why, God, do you allow people like him to live and leave behind such a trail of destruction to so many innocent children? Would it not have been better to end his life before he harmed so many?
And, I wish. I wish that he had died a long, long time ago before he had the chance to harm so many lives.
And, then the guilt comes rushing in and I cry out to God in my pain. Forgive me! I don’t understand! None of this part of life makes any sense!
I doze off into a fitful sleep where he enters my dreams, and I wake up feeling so confused and feeling so alone. And, afraid. And, I cry bitter agonizing tears for those who have been hurt by this man who I once shared the innermost part of my soul with — the man who lied and deceived and harmed so many innocent people.
Is this tidal wave of emotions ever going to end? Will there ever be a day of complete calm? Will peace — total peace — ever reside in my heart?
Tears overcome me and I bury my head in my pillow again.”
Morning will be arriving soon, and I sit upright and turn on the light. I look at pictures of my children and grandchildren and it is then that life begins to make some sense again. It is then that a calmness begins to wash over me. It is then that I am reminded that God has a plan.
God had a plan for my life all of the time.
I dry my eyes, and I feel the strength of life returning to me.
There is work to be done. There are children to help. God has called me to a work, and I will carry on.
And, I mouth the words with strength, “You, John Hinton, no longer define me. The abuse you inflicted no longer defines me. I am free. I am free. Thank God, I am free!”
On April 11, 2015, there will be a powerful Sex Abuse Workshop in Somerset, Pennsylvania. It will be like nothing you have ever seen or heard! My son and I will have a session where we will “tell our story” — you will not want to miss this! There will be a Criminal Investigator who will outline for us how we can report child sex offenders. There will be a father of sexually abused victims speaking. There will also be a counselor who has worked in the prison system with sex offenders, as well as a Chaplain and Pastor. And, there will be one more added surprise that will be a most special encouragement for victims of child sexual abuse.
We know that not everyone reading this will be able to attend in person, so there is work being done to try to get this workshop streamed live to you. Please be sure to register here if you want to be part of this power-packed day!
Every effort is being made to make DVD’s of this day available to you, also. If you are interested in a DVD, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com and give me your name and address. Someone will be sure to contact you about the DVD’s.
It is my hope and my prayer that every victim of abuse will receive some kind of encouragement from this writing. You do not have to let your abuser define you! God has a very clear plan for every life.
You are a special person — and you do not have to live in the chains abuse any more.
You can be FREE! Totally FREE! As we continue to grow in our education about child sexual abuse, so will our empowerment grow until one day you will say with confidence, “I am FREE! Yes, I am totally FREE!”
Thanks so much for sharing this information with others. Be sure to register for the workshop. You will receive valuable information that will help you in our combined effort of being a voice for all children in this fight against child sexual abuse!
Love,
Clara
Next time we will move forward with my continuing story of what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years and not knowing it. If you are new to this blog, please start here.
Clara,
I so appreciate you sharing your heart and all of the work that you do. I have been through all of the Why Lord’s and finally figured out that it wasn’t Jesus who did this to me, but it took decades to really trust Him completely even though I could feel Him near me.
This past Sunday night while sitting in a small group I realized just how little I still think of men in general. Even those who seem like godly men I can pick apart until they are the enemy. My tongue was revealing my heart on this. I know that several heard my comments. We were discussing how men and women are created differently and made for different purposes. The comment was made that women weren’t made for leadership and men are to lovingly discipline their wives. That brought my mind to ministers who practice wife spanking. That did not set well with me having been through the abusive nature of the leaders of the home. We are all responsible for our own actions and I did not hide my feelings on the subject. I do not need a man as a disciplinarian. I have the Bible, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for that. My thoughts were not well received.
When we got to the topic of babies and small children dying and what happens to them……some actually think that Jesus, the one who told his disciples to not stop the little children from coming to him would send these same children to Hell. I have wanted to stay in this church in order to present the knowledge of pedophiles and abusers and their presence in the church, but now I just don’t know. The idea that Jesus would consider a newborn baby with the vilest of sinners and judge them to eternity of torment, I cannot comprehend or fathom the thought process. I didn’t see this idea as any different from the man who would sexually assault and defile a small innocent child and cause them a life of torment.
Dear Brenda R,
Thank you so much for your comments. Our God is a God of love, and I’m right there with you about God not sending newborn babies and children to an eternal place of torment. It is beyond me how people can believe such things. As far as men disciplining their wives, the wife spankings, etc., the Bible is very clear that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her (the church). I guess we could veer off in a whole new direction here. 🙂
Sometimes I believe it’s good to expose our raw thoughts and feelings to others just to allow them to “experience with us” some of what we feel when abuse has taken place.
You’re doing a beautiful work of educating others and I urge you to continue on in this great work! As always, thank you for your wisdom and input here on this blog.
I would love to be able to listen in on that day, but most likely won’t be able to, so please let me know when the DVD becomes available.
Thanks so much for the work you are doing. I cry every time I read one of your updates, and I rejoice in watching how the Lord is using your pain and suffering to help so many. Thank you for being willing to be so transparent! It is my hope and prayer that one day my daughter (29) will be able to heal from the abuse she suffered at the hands of my dad (also a preacher, loved by everyone) and move forward with her life.
Debbie,
I will make sure to post on this blog when DVD’s will be made available. I’m so very sorry to hear that your daughter suffered at the hands of your father (a preacher). I get sick every time I hear of another child who was abused in this way. I’m beginning to wonder why so many “preachers” have been involved in this type of abusing children. It’s frightening, to say the least.
With proper help (good counseling) and lots and lots of support your daughter will most definitely heal and move forward with her life. Countless others are getting more and more empowered each day and no longer consider themselves a victim of abuse, but proudly state that they are “survivors of abuse”! There is something very, very STRONG in hearing the word “SURVIVOR”!!!! I pray this will soon be your daughter!!!
Also, to all of those who have been emailing to be placed on the list for the DVD, I am keeping a folder with your names in it. Since there are so many of you, I cannot possibly email each one individually, but I will post all instructions for how to get the DVD shortly after the workshop. Thank you so much for your interest!!!
Hi Clara, you get dozens of comments every day from Women, so you may not remember me but I was the pastor from Windsor Ontario who married a pedophile and later he abused me. Just wanted to drop you a line to say thank you for your blog and to say I am doing much better now. Your words encouraged me and gave me strength…. thank you.
I have started an non-profit organization/ ministry to help woman who are victims of domestic abuse and violence. The Mountain of Hope Foundation, Advocating for Abused Women and Children. It empowers women to break the silence of domestic abuse and violence. By using our voices and sharing our stories of VICTORIES FROM ABUSE. We help other women and our stories encourage them to move on and be FREE from their abusive spouses and partners. Can you please email me back. I am working on brochures to help woman and children. I wanted to know if I could include your blog address in a brochure since your blog help me heal. It would be wonderful if more woman knew about you and your blog in Canada.
God bless. T. G Mader
Am and I listened to Jimmy’s last webinar. Wish to listen in on this one too thanx.
I’m hoping that it can be live-streamed. If not, there should be DVD’s made available. I will certainly add you to the list. Be sure to register, if you plan on listening in live that day.
Clara, I would like to have one of the DVD’s.
Betty,
I will most certainly add you to the list. Thank you for your continued interest and encouragement.