The conversation today was actually very deep and solemn and beautiful on many levels. We spoke of all of the pain in this world — especially the pain that comes to little children. We talked about ways we could help take better care of the children in our community. We were both sad that we felt as though we should be doing more, but didn’t know exactly what to do or how to do it.
And, then it happened.
I looked at the man with eyes that saw him as another pedophile and I knew I had to end the conversation. I knew that sick feeling that was overcoming me meant I had shared far too much of “me” with a man I hardly knew. I understood that feeling of betrayal and that complete lack of trust. How dare this man I hardly know enter into a conversation about my heart, my deep inner feelings, and my beliefs!
I felt betrayed! I felt physically ill. Suddenly I didn’t like this man and I wanted nothing more than for him to leave my office.
Yes, this truly did happen today. Why did I feel so invaded? Why did I feel so betrayed?
The answer is quite simple.
I don’t trust any men other than my own sons and grandsons.
Why? Because for almost forty years I lived with a fake. I lived with a liar. I lived with a man who was living a double life. I lived with a child molester, and he was so good at what he was doing that he used me to help him form a beautiful picture of a life that in the end was all a lie.
And, that betrayal has stolen my trust.
There is a young man, however, that I love more than I could ever explain to you in human terms. I believe in him. I trust him. I know his heart.
He is my son Jimmy.
Why do I trust him? Because he has proven time and time again that he is real. He is who he says he is. His words are true and his actions back up his words. This young man had to boldly step forward when told the truth about his own father and take action. Jimmy picked up the phone and called the police. Yes, this is one man that I trust!
I’m veering from my regular story just a bit today to share these thoughts with you about trust because I realized today just how much I have been impacted by living in an abusive marriage. And, far more importantly, I hope that my story will help you to understand just a little bit more of how difficult and how painful it is for a victim of child sexual abuse to begin to trust people again.
We are hearing more and more about adults who were sexually abused as children coming forward with their stories sometimes thirty and forty years after the abuse and sometimes — quite often — these truths are pushed aside and criticized. “Do you expect me to believe that? If that story was true why didn’t the kid try to get some kind of help sooner?” “Who waits forty years to tell a story like this?” “She’s just after attention.” “She just wants to stir up trouble in the family.” “He’s gay and he wants to hide it by saying he was sexually assaulted when he was a kid. What a liar!”
And, on and on it goes.
Every time we do not believe a victim of abuse, we are admitting to trusting the abuser and that is a form of abuse all over again!
My son Jimmy had the horrible task of turning his own father in to the police when a young adult victim of John’s told Jimmy her story. Jimmy had to choose who to trust — the victim or the molester? Thankfully, Jimmy chose to trust the victim.
Jimmy has been left with his own trust issues. He believed in his father. His father is the reason Jimmy is a minister. And, yet, his father also was molesting children the entire time he was preaching against such a horrific sin.
Trust is a huge issue for all victims of abuse. I don’t know the quick answer to regaining trust in humankind. I do know many people will say that God is the answer, and ultimately I believe that is how trust is regained. But, if I’m being honest with you, I’ve had my own trust issues even with God. (No, you don’t need to stone me. I believe in God. I love God. I pray to God daily. And, yet, I still do have trust issues at times with God.)
Building trust after abuse is a long, difficult process. I used to be so trusting of everyone, and I liked that part of me so much! I loved all people across the board — no questions asked. I guess there is a thing as being “too trusting” and that was me.
Now, I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum along with so many others who have been abused and betrayed far, far worse than ever happened to me. I’ve often wondered how I would have lived my life if a loving, trusted friend of the family, or a beloved teacher, or Bible school teacher had ever molested me. My mind can’t wrap around such betrayals, yet so many are living through this pain each and every day.
It’s time to stop defending the molester and start helping to rebuild truthful, trusting, respectful relationships with those who have been victimized!!!
I understand that my discussion with the gentleman I had today was in all probability a truthful, sincere one. But, I don’t know that for sure. And, that bothers me. In the past I’ve given my all to people. I gave my all to my husband, and it bothers me every day of my life to think that I never really knew him. I can’t change that, and maybe that part bothers me the most. I have a phrase that I often use — “It is what it is” — and this is what it is. But, it still hurts — deeply.
Children who have been victims of child sexual abuse need our help in learning to trust again. How can we do that? The first and most critical step is by believing them. When a person gets the courage to come forward and speak of his/her abuse it takes a lot of what I like to call “guts.” It’s not easy telling a story of abuse. It’s painful. It’s humiliating. It’s scary. Victims of abuse need our belief!
My son Jimmy has decided to take his pain and do something positive about it. He is working hard educating himself about how pedophiles deceive people. He is doing this so that he can help parents keep their children safe. He gives workshops, and I am honored to be conducting a workshop with Jimmy in Pittsburgh this April. What a blessing that will be!
The more educated we are, the safer we can keep our children. The more educated we are, the more there will be a desire to implement a safety policy within daycares, churches, and schools that will have measures to keep children protected from sexual molestation.
The more educated we are, the more we will be able to help those who have lost all trust in people and in God. We need to be able to make wise choices as to who we should trust and that always begins with clear guidelines to follow.
Thank you so much for reading this. Thank you so much for understanding why victims of abuse have so much trouble in the area of trust. Thank you for wanting to become part of the healing process for victims of abuse. Thank you for sharing the information on this blog with others!
Next week, I will continue with the story of my life of being married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile without ever knowing it. I will share a story with you that will be hard to believe, but……in all sincerity nothing about pedophilia is easy to believe! I will share with you some red flags to look for right in your home, your church, and your school!
Love,
Clara
PS I get many, many emails every day and will make every attempt to answer you within 2 – 3 days. My email address is: clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com Thank you so much for caring! Together we are making a difference!
Clara,
God love you, I would not dream of stoning you and neither would He. He knows what you have been through, he feels your pain and catches your tears as they fall. He knows how hard you worked to keep your marriage and family together in spite of how you were abused. I am so thankful that John didn’t assault his own children. They would have been such easy targets.
I am so glad that you have Jimmy (and the rest of your crew) and that he did not hesitate to do what was right. Those of us that have felt the repercussions of childhood sexual assault and other forms of abuse have a gift. I know it is hard to look at it that way and there are days that I can’t. But, we have the knowledge to stop others from being abused. You and Jimmy are living that out.
In this season of life I am helping distribute books (for free) to shelters and abuse programs that give Biblical response in favor of divorce for abuse, abandonment and adultery(sexual immorality). I have already begun to pray about what will be next once this project is accomplished. My mind continues to see the area abuse and neglect council for children in my county. I pray that the Lord lead me in a way that would please and glorify Him. As a child I was afraid of God (a man). I would like to tell children that are now like me then that God is good and would never treat them as they have been treated, but Lord willing.
I also have trust issues, as I have shared before. I do not trust many men. Those that I think I trust, I don’t want very close. I have none in my own family who I trust, except for my son-in-law which I had the honor of adding to my family last year. My faith in Christ has become much more real since my divorce and slowly I feel like a whole person for the first time in my life thanks to my God who loves me.
I pray God’s blessings on you and Jimmy as you pass on His goodness in your ministry’s and the number that would like to see and hear these presentations grows.
Brenda, Thanks so much again for sharing so many insights about that path of your healing. You are obviously blessing so very many people!!! Until others begin to feel a bit of the victim’s pain, I’m not sure that we can help them. And, that was the primary purpose of this post — to give some insights into why so many victims of child sexual abuse have trust issues (which ultimately are linked to God issues, too). We’re often quick to shove verses from the Bible down a person’s throat without taking the time to understand the full impact of trauma. Of course God is the master Healer, but……timing is also part of the process. I know you understand what I’m talking about. Keep on with the great work you’re doing!!! Blessings to you!
Thank you for writing exactly how I am feeling but yet could not put it into words. I don’t think I will ever trust again and that makes me sad. I feel like I only have two emotions: anger and sadness.
Beth, I “get it” and it stinks. I’m determined to find my joy again, but I know it’s going to be a journey. Hopefully, your “joy” emotions will return, also. As far as trust — who knows? That part of me may be forever gone. I want to trust people, but I find myself mumbling under my breath, “Who are you really? You’re probably nothing but a liar.” And, I hate thinking like that. I hope over time that part of my mistrust will quiet down and I will be able to make more educated decisions about trusting others. But, for now….like you, there simply is no trust. 🙁
The lack of trust is tied in to three things all of them are from the Devil. REMORSE IS FROM THE DEVIL. Remorse does not lead to repentance, it leads to a downward spiral of further recrimination. The Devil is the accuser. He is at a self styled prosecutor’s table. You are the defendant who has forgotten than your defense attorney is Jesus. Because you are listening to the accusations. You should have seen this. You should have seen that. YOU WON’T ACCEPT HEALING! You are listening to the Devil’s lie that you should be punished for not seeing through John’s actions. Jesus Christ heals people. Totally.. The third thing is, in a lot of ways, the hardest. Accepting the fact that he allows such men as John Hinton do what they do and that God doesn’t owe you an explanation for His actions. Quit blaming God for this. It doesn’t do any good. That is why He is God and you are not. The answer, I believe, is that God has to allow real sin to have real consequences or sin would be nothing more than an academic exercise. Jesus died and rose again to save real sinners from real sins, not some academic exercise .
RoBert, Thank you so much for your thoughts. I sincerely am not “blaming” God for anything. And, I think it’s quite normal to question things in life such as this. I know that I will never know the answers that I’m seeking — not in this life (#1 Question: Why do children have to suffer at the hands of people like this?????) God’s spirit dwells within me, I’m certain of that. But, I still don’t trust people. I make no apologies for that.
RoBert,
You said: Quit blaming God for this. It doesn’t do any good.
You seem to lack empathy here. There is a Robert that has been in discussion on another blog today. I hope you are not the same person.
I do have empathy. My post is meant to be encouraging.
Looking back at the original post, it does come off as a little snarky. Certainly not wise to post in the wee hours. I Gould have written that last part differently
I’m sorry RoBert. When I read “Quit blaming God for this”. It sounded like a command, rather than encouragement.
RoBert, I don’t know if you are trying to give tough love or what, but your response seemed very smug to me. Clara bravely shared her struggles with trust and you seem to imply that there is something wrong with her. Jesus heals, sure. Clara has never suggested otherwise. But that doesn’t mean he heals instantly with no pain in the process. Otherwise wouldn’t his healing just be a another academic exercise?
RoBert, I’d like to question your very first presupposition:
“Lack of trust is from the devil.” Check out John 2:24 and the surrounding context. It’s okay, and even healthy in some circumstances, to not freely offer trust to every person who asks for it. Even as Christ was freely offering His love and forgiveness to all people, He Himself wasn’t putting His own trust in them. We are to do the same – loving and forgiving someone does not require that you trust them. Healthy boundaries are necessary for all of our relationships. When you have a physical injury, like a broken leg, you can’t jump out of bed and start running until the leg is healed, and you’ve gone through therapy, and taken a step at a time. Emotional injuries are similar, they’re just harder to see. I think as we read her blog, we can all see Clara healing, one step at a time, getting a little closer to “running free” all the time.
As we see in the case of Job and others in the Bible, it’s okay to ask God those difficult questions. He can handle them! In fact, when we’re honest with Him about the things we don’t understand, it gives us an opportunity to get to know Him better – even if the answer is difficult for us to hear! So I say, if you’re struggling with questions, doubt, fear, sadness, etc, it’s not being “spiritual” to hide it or pretend it’s not there. Be honest and take it to the One who has the answers and knows how much you’re ready to hear.
Hang in there, Clara!
The lack of trust is tied in to three things all of them are from the Devil. REMORSE IS FROM THE DEVIL. Remorse does not lead to repentance, it leads to a downward spiral of further recrimination. The Devil is the accuser. He is at a self styled prosecutor’s table. You are the defendant who has forgotten than your defense attorney is Jesus. Because you are listening to the accusations. You should have seen this. You should have seen that. YOU WON’T ACCEPT HEALING! You are listening to the Devil’s lie that you should be punished for not seeing through John’s actions. Jesus Christ heals people. Totally.. The third thing is, in a lot of ways, the hardest. Accepting the fact that he allows such men as John Hinton do what they do and that God doesn’t owe you an explanation for His actions. Quit blaming God for this. It doesn’t do any good. That is why He is God and you are not. The answer, I believe, is that God has to allow real sin to have real consequences or sin would be nothing more than an academic exercise. Jesus died and rose again to save real sinners from real sins, not some academic exercise
Thanx again Clara. Good one. My trust has been broken and my darling daughter doesn’t sing anymore. I long for that day to hear her sing again. Keep us in your prayers and keep writing saving lives. We are not alone nor crazy. Much love
Mommom, I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter doesn’t sing anymore. I can relate so much to that. For over two years I stopped cooking — something I absolutely loved to do. Gradually, I’m beginning to cook again, but it is a slow, day-by-day process. I also looked in the mirror this week and noticed how slumped my posture is, and I, too, used to sing all of the time. The songs just aren’t there, but I’m going to try hard to reclaim them. I pray the same for your dear daughter. My love to you all.
Mommom,
It is difficult to get back what we lost. Trust is very difficult. I pray your daughter sings again very soon. It is sad that what another has done to us drains us of what makes us who we truly were meant to be. I didn’t sing or play piano for a long time. Years past, these were my sanctuaries. I am back at it in baby steps. It is like learning all over again. It will come.
Heartbreaking! I will, seriously, pray for you and your daughter every single day. Please post when she is singing again.