Thanks so much for visiting this blog and a very special thank you for so many who continue to refer others to read this blog. I really and truly feel like lives are being changed as we educate others on this highly sensitive topic of pedophilia as well as emotional abuse and manipulation.
If you’re new to this blog, I’d suggest you begin reading my story here. For almost forty years I was married to a preacher and the father of my eleven children. This man who I loved with all of my heart was also someone I didn’t know. Much to my horror, he was also a practicing pedophile who molested children for almost fifty years.
My heart is broken.
When I found out that this man I lived with, ate meals with, worshipped God with, vacationed with, shared intimate times with, had children with was also a man who lied, manipulated, controlled, and molested children my life was forever changed.
Today was one of those “off” days — the kind where you just wish you could stay in bed. I know we all have them. Maybe it was the weather, or maybe just weariness of mind, body, and spirit. A bright spot of the day, though, was being a guest speaker at Allegany College of Maryland. My topic was “An Introduction to Grief: How Do We Climb Out of the Pit?”.
I don’t know why, but I felt the need to have a family member with me, so I invited my son Jimmy. And, I was so glad that he said he’d go with me! We had two hours to talk together while driving to and from the college — something we’ve not had time to do in a long, long time.
We talked about the usual everyday things of life, and then the tone shifted. We were quiet for a few minutes, and then…………….
“Why, Jimmy? Why do you think dad did these things? Do you think he knew that he caused so much pain to so many? Do you think he even has a clue about the pain that you kids have suffered and will suffer for the rest of your lives?”
I respect Jimmy so much. He’s my son, but he’s also my confidante and often my strength. He is such a fine young man who has had such a burden to carry since his dad’s investigation and imprisonment. Because Jimmy is a minister he’s the one I called on first when I found out about John. Jimmy is the one John went to and said, “Yes, it’s true. I’ve been molesting children all of my life, Jimmy. I’ve done all of those things. Every one of them. Yes, that’s me.”
I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a son hearing those words from your father — the father who was not just your dad, but your friend, your preacher, your Sunday School teacher, and the man who you modeled so much of your life after.
My heart broke some more as I saw the deep pain in Jimmy’s eyes.
“Mom, dad knew he was doing wrong. Of course he did. But, that didn’t stop him. I’m not sure he can understand yet the depth of the wrong he’s done. In his mind, he sees things different than we do. He sees children different than we do.”
And we both sat in silence as we continued along the drive to the college.
“Jimmy, I think dad loved me. In his strange way, I really do.”
I guess I’m trying to convince myself that just a part of him loved me. It’s a terrible feeling to know you were lied to for years and years and years. It’s horrible to know the man you shared your deepest thoughts and dreams with was not the man you thought he was. It leaves you feeling betrayed, used, and in many ways it makes your life seem like such a mockery. I feel like such a fool. I shared my soul with a man for most of my earthly life and I was used in so many different ways to help fulfil his own selfish, deplorable desires. There was a time when I felt like such a fulfilled, useful woman of God, and now……..not so. Any woman used and abused will tell you she is stripped of her self-worth. It’s a feeling of humiliation and degradation.
“Jimmy, I know dad loved you kids. I know it. That part couldn’t have been a lie.”
“I know. I know he loved us.”
And, we sat in silence some more.
We talked about the children who fell at the hands of John — the ones who were molested. How must they feel? How betrayed! How used! How confused! How horrifying! And, how shattered.
Faith. God. Trust. Forgiveness. Anger. We talked about those things, too.
“How do you trust anyone, Jimmy? I have no trust left in me.”
I could see the struggles in his eyes, and in the way his shoulders slumped as he continued to drive.
We don’t have answers about this journey our family is traveling. It’s a painful journey and it’s hard to think about. Yet, it’s now ours to travel. John is in prison for thirty years. Most likely he will die in prison. Our hearts ache so much for what we have lost as a family, BUT we ache even more for those who were used and abused by this man we thought we knew. We hurt so much for those who now live in a prison of their own and must fight daily to try to break free of the prison of abuse and molestation.
Being molested is a trauma not easily overcome!
Why am I writing these thoughts today? I guess because sometimes I just feel the need to share with each of you what it feels like. It hurts on so many levels. Abuse is a terrible thing. It causes so much pain and the pain lingers on and on and on. Never is life the same!
Jimmy and I are committed to educating others about how pedophiles work. Our hearts are moved by pain and brokenness to help keep others free from the pain that has touched our lives and all of the lives that have been deeply harmed by the actions of just one pedophile named John.
It’s embarrassing to talk about. It’s difficult to speak the words, “My dad is in prison. He’s a child molester.” “My ex-husband is in prison. He is a pedophile.” Truthfully, I want to scream, “NO! It isn’t true! It didn’t happen! It’s all wrong!”, but I’ll never be able to say those words because it is true.
All of it is true.
And, so we will continue on this journey faltering and stumbling along the way as we try our best to teach others about the trappings and snares set by pedophiles. We will try our best to teach awareness to all who will listen.
We will share our pain in hopes that you and innocent children will not have to suffer at the hand of a molester.
Our story isn’t all that unique. I’m finding that everywhere I go, everywhere I turn someone shares very quietly, “I was molested as a child but I never told. I was so ashamed and I was afraid that nobody would listen.”
Today we know people will listen! We have ears ready to listen and hearts open to helping! Let’s continue to travel this journey together and help spread awareness.
Pedophiles are walking among us. Who are they? They are your husband, your neighbor, your scout leader, your teacher, your coach. A child molester could be anyone!
Red flags to look out for: How to spot a pedophile .
Help us to help the children! Help us create safe environments for the innocent ones. Let’s put up barriers that make it impossible for molesters to reach our children!
Love,
Clara
PS The next post will continue on in my story of what it was like to be married to a pedophile for almost forty years without knowing it.
“I guess I’m trying to convince myself that just a part of him loved me. It’s a terrible feeling to know you were lied to for years and years and years. It’s horrible to know the man you shared your deepest thoughts and dreams with was not the man you thought he was. It leaves you feeling betrayed, used, and in many ways it makes your life seem like such a mockery. I feel like such a fool. I shared my soul with a man for most of my earthly life and I was used in so many different ways to help fulfil his own selfish, deplorable desires. There was a time when I felt like such a fulfilled, useful woman of God, and now……..not so. Any woman used and abused will tell you she is stripped of her self-worth. It’s a feeling of humiliation and degradation.” you put into words what I have been struggling to define thank you so much for writing your blog I am where you are and your blog has helped me tremendously I’m doing a good job of holding it together for my kids but inside I am so broken
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to pretend we’re okay when we’re not. Hopefully, one day soon we will feel a release from this pain and deep, own inside we will honest and truly be happy and be able to move forward from that point on with no regrets — only hope! Hang in there!!!!!
Please know it wasn’t your fault. I know you probably know this in your head, but what the head knows and what the heart feels are often very different. It wasn’t your fault. It sounds like you feel responsible for the pain he caused, and I know that if I were you, I would probably feel the same — but that doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t harm those children. I’m so sorry you’ve had to struggle through this. I’ve been following your story closely. You are an amazingly strong woman to have endured all this, and an even stronger one to share your story.
But wanna say that this is extremely helpful, Thanks for taking your time to write this. “Some things have to be believed to be seen.” by Ralph Hodgson.
BUT so far as I know you are the only wife who is exposing her husbands secrets. I know there have to thousands out there who are hiding in their homes out of shame and embarrassment. And there then there are those who have been so crushed and destroyed that they can barely function. I think the fact that you are now acknowledging publicly what happened to these children has to be healing to them. There is someone else who is affirming that “this really did happen”. Most of what we read about those who molest children comes from either law enforcement or social workers and none of them from the viewpoint of someone who LIVED with the person. Anything else usually comes from the viewpoint of a grownup victim who did not have the perspective that you do. and mostly it focuses on the ACT and not on the RELATIONSHIP the pedophile had built up. You have the unique perspective of sharing how he prepared to “groom” his victims. I think its also healing for other children (and adults) to understand “that’s why he picked me” You are dong a service that few wives (especially so soon after the arrest) would be willing to do. So please stop beating yourself up about it. You are loved and prayed for and I think its evident that there are many who having the courage to take the journey of healing because there is someone else walking with them through it.
Shirley, Thanks so much for understanding and “getting it” with another perspective of the story being told. You’re right on with what I’m trying to convey! Thank you so much for the continued encouragement!
Thank you for your openness in expressing how you feel. I think its easy to forget for some of us who do not know you face to face that it wasnt that long ago. I know you edit it etc but I am amazed at how forgiving you are at least in terms of not expressing how much pain you want to cause him ! It took me several years after breaking up with my verbally abusive boyfriend before I could accept that he still had a right to breathe and live and that only God could be the one to deal with him.
But like the poster above you have no idea of the conversations that are happening because you chose to make your pain public. I will be praying for your healing as your posts are bringing healing to me. Thank you .
Thank you so much for your comment. I have moments of anger, but so far they are only “moments” and I hope (and pray) it stays that way. I think the reason for that is I began distancing myself from him emotionally years ago, and now I’ve worked through a lot of those feelings that would normally be new and raw. I think the most difficult thing for me is knowing that all through our married lives this (molesting) went on — it makes me feel both cheap and cheated, if that makes sense. And, I feel like I’ve failed so many children — all of the ones that are now living with the pain because of his actions. That bothers me more than anything. 🙁
Thank you so much for saying that the posts are bringing healing. That’s my everyday prayer.