Thanks so much for visiting this blog and a very special thank you for so many who continue to refer others to read this blog. I really and truly feel like lives are being changed as we educate others on this highly sensitive topic of pedophilia as well as emotional abuse and manipulation.
If you’re new to this blog, I’d suggest you begin reading my story here. For almost forty years I was married to a preacher and the father of my eleven children. This man who I loved with all of my heart was also someone I didn’t know. Much to my horror, he was also a practicing pedophile who molested children for almost fifty years.
My heart is broken.
When I found out that this man I lived with, ate meals with, worshipped God with, vacationed with, shared intimate times with, had children with was also a man who lied, manipulated, controlled, and molested children my life was forever changed.
Today was one of those “off” days — the kind where you just wish you could stay in bed. I know we all have them. Maybe it was the weather, or maybe just weariness of mind, body, and spirit. A bright spot of the day, though, was being a guest speaker at Allegany College of Maryland. My topic was “An Introduction to Grief: How Do We Climb Out of the Pit?”.
I don’t know why, but I felt the need to have a family member with me, so I invited my son Jimmy. And, I was so glad that he said he’d go with me! We had two hours to talk together while driving to and from the college — something we’ve not had time to do in a long, long time.
We talked about the usual everyday things of life, and then the tone shifted. We were quiet for a few minutes, and then…………….
“Why, Jimmy? Why do you think dad did these things? Do you think he knew that he caused so much pain to so many? Do you think he even has a clue about the pain that you kids have suffered and will suffer for the rest of your lives?”
I respect Jimmy so much. He’s my son, but he’s also my confidante and often my strength. He is such a fine young man who has had such a burden to carry since his dad’s investigation and imprisonment. Because Jimmy is a minister he’s the one I called on first when I found out about John. Jimmy is the one John went to and said, “Yes, it’s true. I’ve been molesting children all of my life, Jimmy. I’ve done all of those things. Every one of them. Yes, that’s me.”
I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a son hearing those words from your father — the father who was not just your dad, but your friend, your preacher, your Sunday School teacher, and the man who you modeled so much of your life after.
My heart broke some more as I saw the deep pain in Jimmy’s eyes.
“Mom, dad knew he was doing wrong. Of course he did. But, that didn’t stop him. I’m not sure he can understand yet the depth of the wrong he’s done. In his mind, he sees things different than we do. He sees children different than we do.”
And we both sat in silence as we continued along the drive to the college.
“Jimmy, I think dad loved me. In his strange way, I really do.”
I guess I’m trying to convince myself that just a part of him loved me. It’s a terrible feeling to know you were lied to for years and years and years. It’s horrible to know the man you shared your deepest thoughts and dreams with was not the man you thought he was. It leaves you feeling betrayed, used, and in many ways it makes your life seem like such a mockery. I feel like such a fool. I shared my soul with a man for most of my earthly life and I was used in so many different ways to help fulfil his own selfish, deplorable desires. There was a time when I felt like such a fulfilled, useful woman of God, and now……..not so. Any woman used and abused will tell you she is stripped of her self-worth. It’s a feeling of humiliation and degradation.
“Jimmy, I know dad loved you kids. I know it. That part couldn’t have been a lie.”
“I know. I know he loved us.”
And, we sat in silence some more.
We talked about the children who fell at the hands of John — the ones who were molested. How must they feel? How betrayed! How used! How confused! How horrifying! And, how shattered.
Faith. God. Trust. Forgiveness. Anger. We talked about those things, too.
“How do you trust anyone, Jimmy? I have no trust left in me.”
I could see the struggles in his eyes, and in the way his shoulders slumped as he continued to drive.
We don’t have answers about this journey our family is traveling. It’s a painful journey and it’s hard to think about. Yet, it’s now ours to travel. John is in prison for thirty years. Most likely he will die in prison. Our hearts ache so much for what we have lost as a family, BUT we ache even more for those who were used and abused by this man we thought we knew. We hurt so much for those who now live in a prison of their own and must fight daily to try to break free of the prison of abuse and molestation.
Being molested is a trauma not easily overcome!
Why am I writing these thoughts today? I guess because sometimes I just feel the need to share with each of you what it feels like. It hurts on so many levels. Abuse is a terrible thing. It causes so much pain and the pain lingers on and on and on. Never is life the same!
Jimmy and I are committed to educating others about how pedophiles work. Our hearts are moved by pain and brokenness to help keep others free from the pain that has touched our lives and all of the lives that have been deeply harmed by the actions of just one pedophile named John.
It’s embarrassing to talk about. It’s difficult to speak the words, “My dad is in prison. He’s a child molester.” “My ex-husband is in prison. He is a pedophile.” Truthfully, I want to scream, “NO! It isn’t true! It didn’t happen! It’s all wrong!”, but I’ll never be able to say those words because it is true.
All of it is true.
And, so we will continue on this journey faltering and stumbling along the way as we try our best to teach others about the trappings and snares set by pedophiles. We will try our best to teach awareness to all who will listen.
We will share our pain in hopes that you and innocent children will not have to suffer at the hand of a molester.
Our story isn’t all that unique. I’m finding that everywhere I go, everywhere I turn someone shares very quietly, “I was molested as a child but I never told. I was so ashamed and I was afraid that nobody would listen.”
Today we know people will listen! We have ears ready to listen and hearts open to helping! Let’s continue to travel this journey together and help spread awareness.
Pedophiles are walking among us. Who are they? They are your husband, your neighbor, your scout leader, your teacher, your coach. A child molester could be anyone!
Red flags to look out for: How to spot a pedophile .
Help us to help the children! Help us create safe environments for the innocent ones. Let’s put up barriers that make it impossible for molesters to reach our children!
Love,
Clara
PS The next post will continue on in my story of what it was like to be married to a pedophile for almost forty years without knowing it.
I am sorry you are having to go through this BUT I am so thankful to be lead to your blog. Your writing will help save children. If God had explained it to you in the beginning and offered you the journey you would have said “NO, THANKS!” But he has lead you to a place in life where you will use your pain, your son will use his pain, and you will help others. You may never know a name, you may never hear a child say thank you but I hope you can receive some peace knowing it will happen. I cannot imagine the pain of what you have been through but you–and I, and all your readers– are BLESSED that God has chosen you to help protect the children he loves.
Thank you so very much. And, you’re so right — this is not a journey I would have “chosen” — but this is the path I’m on, so….it’s my prayer that somehow, some way some good will come from this! Thank you so much for your comment.
“There was a time when I felt like such a fulfilled, useful woman of God, and now……..not so.”
Clara, just because you do not FEEL like a fulfilled, useful woman of God does not change the fact that He is using you. You are being used of God in a very special and unique way.
The vessel on the potter’s wheel doesn’t always feel like it is a worthwhile vessel. In fact (if they had feelings at all) alot of time it hurts! But think of the usefulness of that vessel!
You have a special ability to share your thoughts and feelings in writing. Your situations were beyond painful. But God has taken those two things and is using them to build a wall. A wall of protection around some very precious souls. No matter what you Feel…”we walk by faith and not by sight” or could I say, not by feelings.
You have enlightened me and by doing so, have put SEVERAL more bricks in the wall around my sweet, innocent darlings. I am SO much more aware of things. Even the other day, when in a public place, because of your posts, I was aware of the inappropriate behavior of someone toward my children. A few months ago, I would have seen it as nothing, but thanks to you….
I have also used this opportunity and information to talk with my children and tell them some things to be ware and cautious of. They have taken it to heart and immediately reported if anything felt uncomfortable or different.
You see, Clara, you may not know, see or feel how God is using your blog. But He is! Just walk by faith!
Sara, You have no idea how much your words have meant to me today! Thank you!!! Thank you so much for sharing what you did. When I read things like you’ve just shared, it gives me the courage to keep on. I am so thankful to hear that these words that are written are making some kind of a difference. That is my daily hope and prayer.
I feel the same way as Sara! She just said it more eloquently than I could have. 🙂 I’m very grateful for this blog of yours. I follow Jimmy’s, too, and I really appreciate the two different perspectives.
P.S. Sorry I comment too much. Your blog is something of a lifeline for me right now. Here I can let out some of the last decade of loneliness, and to someone who understands what I’m saying! Do you find that people in general just don’t really get it when you talk about the emotional abuse?
Zipporah, Your comments are always welcome and appreciated!
Yes, I think emotional abuse is very hard to explain, and even more difficult for others to believe. They see the abuser most often as a kind, caring person — they don’t see what goes on inside the home. I know many, many people who suffer emotional abuse and when you look at the abuser — you’d think, “Never — not that person.” The abuser has a way of turning around the truth to make everyone think differently. They are masters at the art of lying and deception!
That’s me, emotionally abused. I thought it was my fault but your blog shows me that no I have been abused and used more than I care to know. I too am thankful and read and think. I need to up the protection on my precious children! I love what you are doing it is so important and needed. Thank you cx
I’m finding that emotional abuse seems to be running rampant, and it’s so disturbing to me. I had no idea how many (mostly women) are held under the iron hand of control. As children see this, it’s frightening to them, and then this abuse turns into inner turmoil and pain which often escapes in the form of the abuse continuing on in their lives OR they will often resort to methods of numbing the pain through drugs or other avenues. Abuse is a much wider net than at first understood. We must continue to get educated and empowered — for the sake of our children and ourselves!!! Thank you for you comments!
Clara,
Do you find yourself re-reading the press reports just to be convinced that it really did happen? I do.
I think many wonder how it is possible to be married to a pedophile and not know it. For me the trauma of decades of deception and manipulation is sometimes overwhelming. I resonate so with your words and your experience. Thanks for sharing.
Brenda, It’s been a couple of months since I’ve read the press reports, but I keep reliving those moments in the courtroom at his sentencing — seeing him stand before the judge and plead guilty. That moment made it so real for me. Hearing him say the words, “Guilty. I did it.” That moment is the one that I keep returning to. 🙁 Thanks so much for your comment.
Your post today hit home…I have a close friend who’s husband just went to prison 3 years ago for molesting his own grandchild. Yes, he is a Christian. Yes, he was a Sunday School teacher, men’s prayer leader, prayed with his wife, etc. Thankfully, he was not controlling and abusive towards her. I think that is why it was such a shock when he was found out. A friend who who was an alcoholic once said, “You are only as sick as your secrets.” God bless you in this healing journey!!!
Thank you so much for your comment. I think this just brings it home again. Who molests children? Anyone! You’ve given us one more reason to continue on in this journey of being dedicated to educating people about how to keep our children safe! We absolutely must learn how to protect our children!
I know this is so hard for you, but I appreciate your ability to talk about it and tell others how to look for signs. I am glad Jimmy went with you. I am glad you have your children to lean on. You carried on and were so strong even when there were signs that were conflicted and you went on and did what you needed to do. God bless you and comfort you. Praying for peace for you, your children and the victims and their families.
Sharon, Thank you so very much. Honestly, some days I don’t know how I’d make it without my children and friends. Thank you so much for your prayers for all those who were harmed by this horrible mess.