Category Archives: remembering our loved one

Father’s Day — A Really Difficult Day

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Father’s Day is a really difficult day for me. It has been 20 years since I’ve seen my dad…..not by my choice, but by his. And, to make matters worse, I don’t understand “why” he has chosen to deny me this relationship between father and daughter. We were never real close during my childhood, but I always knew he was there. He wasn’t much of a talker or communicator, but he showed his love in little ways that let me know he cared. He sent cards on Easter, and Christmas, and he would talk when I called. Other than that, there wasn’t that warm and fuzzy relationship that I longed for between the two of us. But, that’s okay. I still had a father.

Twenty years ago, that changed, though. The last visit I had with my father was a wonderful one. He lives on a large farm by himself, and I brought my family to visit him. He showed us the dairy cattle, the fields of corn, and took us on a wonderful hayride. It was in September, and I can still smell the great fall air, and see the fields in the distance looking ready for harvest.

Following that trip, my dad put off phone calls….he said he was “too busy” to talk. He was always too busy doing farm work. My kids (his grandchildren) would call, but he was again too busy to talk. On four different occasions we made plans to go visit him — an almost five hour drive away — only to have him call very early in the morning to cancel the visit because he was “too busy” again.

The years passed, and now there has been no communication for several years. When holidays roll around, especially Father’s Day, the pain hits again and reminds me that my grief is still very alive and very much present in my life. How I’d love to hear the wise words of a father, to see the caring eyes of a father, and to know the feeling of safety and security of being loved unconditionally by a father. It looks like that is never going to happen, though. Not with my earthly father.

How can I find a healing place? A place that feels good and right and that “fits” when the word father is mentioned? Actually, I’ve found it in my heavenly Father. He is the only Father I know, and when I think about it, He is the only Father I really and truly need.

Today as I sat in church, I heard person after person say, “Thank you, Dad. You’ve inspired me. You’ve always been there. You’ve taught me unconditional love. You never missed one of my soccer games. You taught me how to face tragedy.”

I sat quietly on my seat in church, and said the same words. ‘Thank you, Father. You’ve listened to me when I’ve needed a listening ear. You’ve been with me through my worst days, as well as my best. You’ve love me unconditionally, and you still do. You taught me about grace and forgiveness. You are always near. And, you are never, ever too busy!”

I’ve found my Healing Place in Him. Thank you, Father God.

Finding a Quiet Place Among the Clutter of Life

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Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’d had a bad dream and didn’t feel like getting up. I just wanted to pull the covers back over my head and go into hiding. But, when you have a job, you can’t do that. So…….reluctantly I got up and looked around me and saw nothing but “clutter” from unfinished business. Dishes to clear away. Clothes to wash. A dirty kitchen floor. Bills laying in a pile unopened. Garbage that needed to be emptied. You get the picture.

I tried to collect my thoughts, but there was only more clutter…….my emotional clutter from days and weeks before. Unfinished sentences. Phone calls that were never made. Decisions that were left on the back burner. And, I began to panic. I needed a place to replensih myself….I needed to find a healing place for today.

As I got ready for work, I took several deep breaths to try to calm myself, and then I looked outside to see the raindrops falling. Why, I couldn’t even take a nice walk and enjoy it……..OR, could I? The more I thought, the more I realized that clutter and problems and rain will always be part of our lives, so I have a decision to make each and every day. I can either try to live joyfully in spite of the clutter, or I can call it quits and add to my already cluttered life.

I decided to take a walk in the rain with my camera and soak up all of the beauty that nature had to offer. You know what? It worked!!!! I looked at the beauty of unfolding buds, listened to the birds chirping in the rain, and felt the gentle drops touching against my face, and life didn’t seem so cluttered afterall. In fact, there was order and beauty and promise to be found in nature. There was hope! And, by stretching outside of my cave of clutter, I managed to stumble right into “my healing place” of quietness and beauty for today!

Take a break today. Do something different. Find something that is away from the everyday clutter of your life, and look for your miracle…..your place of healing. It’s there waiting to be discovered!!!!!

When It Rains, It Pours

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Life can often throw things at us in fast succession! Sick kids, a broken washing machine, the toilet gets stopped up, a flat tire on the car, and a phone call complaining about the dog’s barking all in one day! Times like those make us feel like sitting in a heap on the floor and hiding until the clouds disappear and the sun is shining again. Unfortunately, we don’t have that option.

Instead, we take the kids to the doctor, we call the repairman for the washing machine, we call the plumber to unclog the toilet, we fix the tire (or call for help), and we bake the neighbor a pie and apologzie for the noise and promise we’ll keep our dog quiet. By then, we’re STILL ready to fall on the floor in a heap from physical and mental exhaustion!!!

How do we find replenishment during times like that when the rain won’t stop and it just keeps on pouring? For me, I’ve had to learn the art of visualization. I find a secluded place (most often that’s in my bedroom), lock the door, play some very soft, calming music, and close my eyes allowing only peaceful scenes to run through my mind. I visualize a meadow of soft grass, a field of lovely flowers, or a secluded beach with only the ocean waves softly rolling onto shore and lovely palm trees swaying in the breeze. I call this my “take fifteen” where I allow only positive healing thoughts, sights, and sounds to enter my mind. By the end of the fifteen minutes, I’m far more composed, feel more in control, and have the energy to tackle the problems that are waiting for me.

A good reminder is this: nothing lasts forever — and this is especially true of the rain. Sooner than we think the sun will be shining again!

I hope you can find your “healing place” and visit that place often. Share with others, too, so that we can all learn and grow from each other!!!

Memorial Day — How should we remember?

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Memorial Day is a day set aside for remembering those who have gone on before us and have fought in a battle or served time in the armed services in order to help preserve the freedoms that we enjoy in the United States. In this country we have many parades, special services, and speeches from Miliary Personnel who help us to remember the foundations of our freedoms.

All of this is good, and is honorable and it is wonderful to have a special day such as this set aside to prompt us to remember our core values and to be thankful for the blessings that we have. But, how do we remember the individual who has gone on? Often, we idealize our loved one to the point of perfection, and this is many times a key factor in triggering extreme guilt for not “being there”, for not “doing more”, and for not “being a better parent, sibling, child, or friend.”

It is good and even necessary to remember those who have gone on before, but I would caution us to remember our loved ones realistically. What do I mean by that? We should remember our loved ones as they were — human and prone to mistakes just as we are. When we block out the “real part” of our memories, we only remember perfection and that is often hard to deal with.

Let me get a bit personal……my grandfather served in the military for a period of four years, and I love him dearly for that! He told many “war time stories”, and he was a courageous man who helped to preserve the freedoms of this nation. He was also a worker in a sawmill, and he was the “keeper of the gate” for a draw bridge. Add to that, he was an alcoholic who went on week-end “benders” every time he got a pay check. He never learned how to write his name, and he didn’t really care. He always signed with an “X” . There are funny stories to remember, as well as some that were sad. But, ALL of those remembrances help to remember my grandfather as the man he truly was!!!

Let us remember those who have gone on before on this special day……….may we remember truthfully, realistically, and honestly. And, as we do, we will be taking one more step forward in finding that “healing place” for our souls!

How should I remember my loved one?

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Remembering is a tricky thing, especially when remembering a loved one. We often tend to idealize the person who has passed on, many times placing that family member on a pedestal of honor and perfection. The danger in doing that is setting ourselves up for extreme guilt.

It’s good to remember; in fact, I think it’s necessary to remember. But, I think we need to do so with honesty, even when our tendency is to remember only the good times, only the good qualities, and only the most ideal situations with that person.

Part of the grieving and healing process is to accept “reality”, and often the reality is that the person who has died was not always friendly or loving or kind. On a personal level, that happened when my mother passed away. I was overcome with terrible guilt for quite a while following her death because I refused to (or maybe I just couldn’t at the time) remember her realistically. In my unrealistic image, she was a quiet, sweet, gentle person when in reality she was not that way at all. That’s not to say that I didn’t love my mother……..I certainly did, but it took me a while to love her as she truly was!

Now, I can remember with fondness and even with a lot of laughter and joy and tell funny stories about some of her antics. In fact, my kids love to hear the “real stories” about “Nana”, the character who left this earthly life far too soon for most of my children to get to know her.

Remembering is a large part of our healing. But, remembering truthfully is necessary or we will never be able to really work through this part of our grief in a healthy way. If Aunt Flo was a character who drank a bottle of Vodka a day and cussed up a storm, then that’s how we need to remember Aunt Flo — not as a prim and proper lady who never did any wrong and was quiet as a church mouse. To remember incorrectly is doing both a disservice to Aunt Flo and to ourselves.

Remember your loved one today, but do so with honesty. It’s okay to remember the flaws, too, because those things are part of who we all are.

My mother? She was an Aunt Flo, and then some! Along with her daily bottle of Vodka, she had a heart of gold, and I will always remember her giving spirit along with the ” wild tales of adventure” that made her who she was — “Little Helen, the Fireball”!