Speaking for myself, the hardest part of this healing journey has been two-fold: learning to trust again, and the feeling of being utterly and totally betrayed. Trust and betrayal are companions on this journey towards healing.

Speaking in more personal terms, I have trouble trusting people. I’m talking about not trusting “any” people! I’ve set up a wall that at times feels like it’s 50 feet thick. It’s a barrier wall shielding my heart from pain. I made a promise to myself after John was convicted that I’d never open up myself to be hurt like that again. I’m learning to walk through life alone — and this is not what I wanted at all. If you recall in earlier posts it had been my prayer from a little girl on up to marry a fine Christian man, to have a house in the country filled with children who loved God, and to live happily ever after. I thought when I said “I do” in my marriage that this prayer had been answered!

Life often takes different twists and turns — and we end up in a place far, far different from what we expected!

The man I married lied to me from day one. He deceived me. His heart was filled with evil. And, it took a toll on me, and this is true for most everyone who has experienced abuse. Yes, we survive but there are remaining scars, bruises, and a brokenness that is the residue of abuse.

I’ve explained the feeling I got when I found out that my husband was a pedophile. It felt as though someone took a sharp knife and sliced right through the very center of my heart. I experienced every negative emotion you can think of, and I’m still in a daily battle trying to gain back some much-needed trust.

Healing is a process — often, healing from abuse is a life-time journey. Most of my years on this earth are over. Most of my earthly years were spent living with a man who was far, far different from the man I prayed for. I can’t change that. And, there are days yet when I am consumed in lonely, heartbreaking tears. That’s okay. I know I have to face my pain and grief head-on if I expect to have genuine healing.

But, the trust part. The betrayal part. That’s hard stuff to move beyond. I have tried visiting several churches since John’s incarceration and that same overwhelming feeling of betrayal almost paralyzes me and I find myself struggling with thoughts such as “liar, faker, betrayer” and my mind gets stuck on these thoughts. I’m trying…..and I’ll keep on trying. I know there are good, honest, godly people on this earth. That has to be true! But………I’m just not there yet. I have lots of work to do!

Those of us who have lived with lies and betrayal have lost a kind of innocence to life that is difficult to reclaim. For a long time, I found myself questioning even the truthfulness of God. I’m getting to a much better place with that. But, with people………I’ll keep trying and trying. Part of my lack of trust is that wall of protection and the other part is learning how to live within the pain of this type of loss.

Bear with me. Bear with those of us who are full of questions and fear. With the recent outpouring of support for survivors of abuse, I sincerely believe that healing is coming! I believe with all of my heart that the wounds will be made softer, less visible, and some of the wounds of abuse will even go away!

I’d like to end with a quote from the book Hope 365 (written two years after the death of my son Mike). “Allow the brightness of the stars to shine down on you. God’s power can be seen everywhere, even in the darkest night.”

I, along with countless others, am looking for that power found in the brightness of the stars. I know it’s there….and I know I’ll find it!

With love,

Clara

PS Next week, I’ll begin a special segment called “Living in the Aftermath of the Storm”. You will not want to miss these posts!