I have a headache tonight.  It’s caused by stress and heartache.  I know the feeling all-too-well by now.  It’s been over two years since he was arrested and put into prison.

If you are new to this blog, please begin here.  The reading is quick, but I will warn you that it is not easy.  This is my story of being married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile without knowing it.

I’m straying from my normal chronological order of events and sharing a bit of what’s on my heart right now.  With Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, so much new pain has surfaced that I feel it will be good for me to share.  Sometimes people just don’t understand how far-reaching the actions of a practicing pedophile really are!

The pain that flows through me tonight is not for me.  This pain — this horrible, aching hurt that is deep within my soul — is coming from the knowledge of how far-reaching the tentacles are of a man who molested children. This man who I shared my heart, mind, and soul with for almost forty years has left behind so much pain for so many people that at times it feels like my heart is going to explode.

Some say, “You can get over it. The children he molested will get over it. Life goes on.  He’s in prison now and everyone can rest easy knowing that justice has been served.”

If only it was that easy!

Sometimes I lay awake in bed at night thinking of all of the lives that have been hurt by this one man’s actions.  Every day I get emails — lots of emails — telling me of the pain.  Some are angered and want to see him face-to-face and tell him how much his actions have hurt them.  Others write and tell me they will never be the same — ever. They cry daily asking for relief from the pain.  Some have abandoned the very idea that God exists.  “How can we trust a God we cannot see when the man who taught us of God was living such a dark life of lies?”

Who gets harmed by a man who molests children?  How far do the tentacles of a practicing pedophile reach?

1.  Children who were victimized — nightmares, horror, fear of the dark, mistrust, shame, guilt, betrayal, confusion, depression, night terrors (and this is just a wee bit of what it was like for these precious children)

2.  Church family — betrayed by their minister that they loved so much.  There is often a sickened taste left in the mouth for ministers.  If you can’t trust your minister, who can you trust?

3.  The families of the children who were harmed — Try to put yourself in the shoes of those parents.  Can you imagine the guilt for not protecting their children? Can you imagine how much it hurts that a person you loved and trusted is the very one who molested and abused your child?

4.  Friends — they thought they knew this man, but have been shattered by the fact that they were so fooled. They went hunting, fishing, camping together.  They shared stories and fireside chats.  They thought they knew him, but are being strangled by the tentacles of his lies and deceit.

5.  His children — there are no words that I can say to describe their brokenness.  This is the father they loved and adored so much.  He was not only their dad, but their spiritual leader — the man who baptized every one of them.  He was the one who took them hunting and played basketball with them.  He was there at all of the ballet recitals.  He was the one they respected and cherished.  The horror, the shame, the questions that these children have will go on until the end of time.  Why?  How?  Why this?  How could this be?  We didn’t see it.  And, then the flood of tears because they miss the father they have lost.   

6.  Business relationships — the banker, the postmaster, the insurance clients, the barber, the family doctor, the librarian, the Christian bookstore owner, the minister friends —  the thousands of people who dealt with him weekly are shattered.  I’m still getting phone calls saying, “I can’t believe this.  I just can’t believe this.”

7. The community — he volunteered at the prison, the food pantry, the hospital, homeless shelters, nursing homes — you name it, and he was there.  People have sobbed in front of me saying, “I’m shattered.  I don’t know how this is possible.”

And, finally, the woman who fell the hardest because she feels so responsible for not seeing it.  That woman is me.  I’ve questioned myself a million different ways and I still come up blank. How did I not see it?  Sure — there were odd things, but he was an odd person.  That was part of his charm at first, I guess. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker and I just didn’t see him for who he really was.

When I am alone with my thoughts those tentacles of his reach around my heart and squeeze until I can hardly breathe.  I birthed his children, and now they have such pain and will suffer all of the days of their lives.  Their spouses and their children will hurt, agonize, and suffer too.  His grandchildren will never have a relationship with him.  It almost kills me to know that.  I dreamed it would be so different.  Our family is broken, and now we must find a way to keep from breaking even more. 

And, then the tentacles squeeze tighter yet as they sweep across my mind and I think of him in prison doing the same thing.  He brags how much good he is doing in the name of God.  He’s teaching bible lessons, giving sermons, praying over people, singing in the choir, meeting with volunteers setting up programs.  He is loved.  His deceitful charm is working all over again, and I feel an inner shaking that wants to scream, “Liar!  You are a liar!  And, you’re still hurting people with your lies! Haven’t you done enough harm already? You continue to maniuplate and deceive, and you will do this all the days of your life!”

The actions of this one man — the man I married — have reached out and hurt so many people.  He molested innocent children and stripped them of their childhood.  He warped their thinking and mixed up and confused them so much that they don’t know who — if anyone — they can trust.  He manipulated and used people for his selfish purposes.  He took delight in his self-serving actions.  He did nothing to stop this.  He still says, “I don’t see what’s so bad about all of this.”

REALLY?  REALLY?  You don’t see how far-reaching, how deeply penetrating, how long-lasting your evil, corrupt, deceitful, heinous actions have gone?  You don’t see the hearts that are bleeding and will forever bleed?  You don’t see it because you are selfish.  You don’t see it because you don’t want to see it.  You don’t see it because you cannot see what you don’t want to see!

I’m writing this blog because I want you to understand the seriousness of what just ONE molester can do.  Look how far and wide the pain goes from the actions of just one.  Please help me to bring awareness about child predators.  I was married to one, and I’m speaking from the heart.  When you ask me, “How do you profile a predator?” I can only say to look for those “odd signs” — the ones I’ve been mentioning on this blog for weeks. Go with your gut feelings because they are usually right.

Do all you can to keep your child safe!  Little children need us to protect them from men like the one I married!  He was charming, witty, kind, generous, and he groomed little children and molested them for over fifty years.  His actions will cause pain and heartache for years and years to come!

Stay on your toes.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  Don’t allow your children to be alone with anyone when they are young.  Teach them from little up that NOBODY is to touch their body.  Let them know they can tell you ANYTHING.  BELIEVE them when they do tell. LISTEN to them.  They will give hints.

Let us be advocates in our churches, schools, daycares — and in our homes.  Let’s do all we can to keep our children safe!

Thank you for your comments, your questions, your love, your concern and your involvement in keeping our children safe.  They have been unprotected for too long.  It’s time we stop these predators in their tracks and keep our children safe! Speak up.  Speak loud.  Speak often. Our children are depending on us!

Love,

Clara