I was talking with a friend the other day and she asked how long it has been since I learned of John’s double life? I had to stop and pause. The question kind of shook me up a bit. Seven. It’s been seven years and in some ways it feels like forever, and in other ways there are still raw edges of pain to work through.

I wasn’t sexually abused, as you know. I was, however, emotionally abused. I was lied to for the entire duration of our marriage. I knew that something wasn’t quite right, but…..God help me to understand how I was living with a man who had such a dark, evil side to him!

Seven years later, and where am I emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually?

Let me begin by saying that my arguments and disappointments with God have stopped. I know that I will never fully understand the “why” of all of this, but I am beginning to see the beautiful fabric of healing that is being woven from this abuse and brokenness. I’m seeing the intertwining of pain and experience with wisdom and understanding. I’m learning more of who God is and how my Father is alive and working in my life, and always has been alive in me! I’m humbled and thankful to be used as a vessel in this plan to help others with their healing from this horrific abuse. I’m both humbled and thankful.

Where am I physically? Well, currently there is a lot more of me to the tune of thirty pounds more of me. My grief settled on my hips. For a while I was ashamed of this, but now I’m understanding. When John was arrested and sent to prison our family became very broken. Being the mom of so many kids who were in need placed a tremendous weight on my heart. I was broken, too, and that’s not a good place to be in when your kids need guidance and are looking for answers and strength. So, I comforted myself by eating late at night when the tears would begin to flow. I’m finally in a place where I can begin to work on letting go of this weight. I certainly don’t need it, nor do I want it! Once I get through Christmas, I’ll begin to focus on a healthier me! I don’t need the added pressure of trying to do this during Thanksgiving and Christmas!

Where am I emotionally? Better. Stronger. I’m getting there. The process is slow, but steady. I’m not suffering daily from the pressing guilt of not knowing what John was doing. I’ve forgiven myself for that — almost. I’m in a place where I can finally be okay for not being smart enough to figure out what he was doing. Today I’m equipped with tools and knowledge that would help me. Back then……God forbid, but I didn’t even know what the word “pedophile” meant! One step at a time, I’m bathing myself in forgiveness which I know God certainly has extended. And, I’m learning to trust again. Seven years ago I trusted no one. And, I mean that quite literally. Gaining trust back is perhaps the hardest part of all, but I’m getting there!

Where am I financially? I’m good. I have all of my daily needs met, and often I have more! I’m humbled and grateful! When I entered the work force, I had been a stay-at-home mom for over thirty years. Can you picture me suddenly becoming the breadwinner? Can you picture me trying to put together a resume? Keeping a mortgage going, paying thousands of dollars in back taxes that suddenly became my responsibility, taking full charge of a house that needed major repairs…..all while grieving so many losses within my life and the lives of my children was messy, and that’s putting it in mild terms. There were days when I barely functioned, but the wonderful part is I got through! And, I’m in a much, much better place right now. The taxes are paid. Only 4 more years and the mortgage will be paid. Some of the repairs on the house have been completed. This month I will purchase a screen door for my kitchen. I’m super excited about this, as I am with each accomplishment, no matter how small! I’m proud of myself and that’s something I sure couldn’t say seven years ago.

The journey of healing is a lifetime journey and I know that. There will always be reminders that come into my life that will open up wounds that have now become covered by a scar. And, that’s okay. I know that I must face the pain, grieve the losses, and move on to a place of gratitude for all of the blessings that shower my life each day.

Most of you know that I’ve been involved in a podcast with my son Jimmy for close to two years now. How many moms get to spend that kind of quality time with one of their sons? The Speaking Out on Sex Abuse podcast has opened my heart and my eyes even more to how wide this sea of abuse is. And, I’m also overflowing with encouragement for the many times I get to hear from survivors of abuse who are moving along on the road to healing!

I’m back to writing after a period of silence. I’ve been super busy writing on another book, doing some speaking, working with Jimmy, and working my full-time and part-time job. I’m now working just one full-time job (as of a month ago), and that’s how I’ve been able to free up time for getting back to my writing.

Thank you for sticking with me, for your belief in me, and for your encouragement! You each have played a very direct role in my forward journey of healing!

I will be back in a few days with more.

With love,

Clara

PS Leave comments! I’d love to hear from you. And, if you have a special topic/question you’d like discussed, let me know. Thanks so much!