If you’ve been following this blog, you know this is my story of what it was like being married for almost forty years to a man who was a practicing pedophile and falling for the lies and deception that he was a wonderful man of God.  The mental and physical control this man, my ex-husband, held over me is painful to think about — and frightening to think about on several different levels.

I’m writing this blog so that you can be educated as to warning signs that something might be very, very wrong in your relationship.  I want you to be aware of the warning signs of pedophilia that I didn’t know about.  I want you to be smarter than the pedophile and learn how to speak out when you think something is wrong.

I want you to protect our children!  If you are new to this blog, I strongly suggest that you begin reading here. I want you to understand my story and how this all came about — the planning that went into choosing to marry me.  The planning that went into having total control over me.  The planning that enabled the man I married to have the freedom he needed to molest children.

Today I’m going to talk about an event that happened that made it solid in my mind that John was not who I thought he was. 

By now, we had been married around 32 years and it was no secret that our marriage was falling apart.  I was in counseling and finally learning how to make decisions on my own.  Prior to counseling, I was under so much control that I literally reported to John when I was going to walk down the hall to use the bathroom.  He quietly, but firmly, controlled my every move without me understanding what was going on.  It had been an evolution of masterful control — very clearly thought out and planned.  I had fallen into his trap and stayed trapped for most of my earthy life.

On an Easter weekend, as it so happened, all of the kids were going to be away from home leaving just John and me at the house.  Under normal circumstances, this would be a happy thing, but things were not normal between us and had not been normal for a long, long time.  I shared with a friend that I was scared.  I couldn’t figure out “why” — I just knew that my insides were knotted with anxiety.  There was something very odd — very strange — about the way John looked at me since I had begun counseling.  His eyes were cold and they looked hardened.  They were eyes of hatred.

The first evening we were alone we each did our own thing.  I did some reading and went to bed early.  I had worked hard all week and was mentally and physically exhausted.  We were not sharing a bedroom at this time, so I went into the living room and made up my bed on the couch.  I closed the door and shut out the light.  But, I felt uncomfortable.  Scared.  Shaky.  I couldn’t sleep — I just laid there with feelings of anxiety growing more and more.

And, I had reason!  About 1:30 in the morning the door knob to the livingroom started turning.  As it turned, my heart skipped a beat.  Could this be an intruder?  Was this John?  What was happening?  I was afraid to breathe.

Before I knew it, John pulled back the blanket from me, and in a voice like I’d never heard from him before said, “Get up.  We need to talk!”

I reached for the lamp to turn on the light, and when I saw him I swear to you I began shaking for fear of my life.  He had such evil in his eyes.  And, that smirk.  That ever-telling smirk sent chills up my spine.

I sat up and asked him what he wanted as I clutched the blanket tightly around me.

“What are you planning with this counselor?”

“I’m not planning anything.  I just need help.”

“You didn’t answer my question.  What are you planning with this counselor?”  His voice was loud and higher pitched and his breathing was heavy.

“I don’t know what you mean” I said in almost a whisper.  I kept wishing so much that I had something I could use to defend myself if I needed.  My phone was on the table at the far end of the couch.  I’ve never felt so alone and so afraid in all of my life.

Then, came the scream from John that I had never heard before in all of my days with him.

“ARE YOU PLANNING TO DIVORCE ME?”  “ANSWER ME!”  “ANSWER ME!!!”

His voice was loud and high-pitched and shaking and he was standing arched in the doorway blocking it so that I couldn’t get out of that room.

My head was spinning and at that moment I thought he was going to lunge at me and choke me.  I began praying, “Dear God, please.  Please let me live.  Please spare my life.  Please, I beg you.”

John screamed again.  “I will NEVER divorce you!  I will smear your name through the mud.  I’ll make you look like dirt.  I will make the entire town talk about you.  And, if you want to leave, I won’t give you a penny.  You’ll be on the street eating crumbs.  I’ll see to that!”

I was so afraid.  I had never before seen him like this.  Ever.  I was alone with him and I was shaking so bad that my entire body shook.

Just as he began screaming in that loud, high-pitched voice again, the phone rang.  He turned, and in one leap grabbed my cell phone.  And, then I knew I was living with a man who was really two different men — the one others perceived as gentle and kind, and the evil one that I had just witnessed.

The phone call was from one of my daughters announcing the birth of her baby girl.  John had my cell phone, sat down in the dining room, propped his feet up, and began talking the sweetest talk ever.

“Honey, I’m so happy to hear that you and the baby are fine.  Mother and I are so happy for you.  Mother is sleeping, but I’ll wake her up and tell her this wonderful news.”

On and on he went talking for over a half-hour to my daughter.  He was gentle and kind and sweet and kept  reassuring her that he would tell “mother” the good news.  He told her that he was going to let me sleep because I’d had a long week at work.

As he was on the phone, I barricaded myself in the livingroom.  I pushed the couch up against one door, and I pushed a big chair up against the other door.  I knew I couldn’t get past him in the dining room where he was talking.

I turned on every light, and sat up straight holding the base of a lamp in my hand for protection should I need it.

When he hung up the phone, he gave a small tap on the door and said, “We have another granddaughter.  I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.  Your phone is on the kitchen table.”

Do you see what was going on?  Can you see the control?  Do you see how quickly he changed from the screaming, hateful man into the loving father?  Do you understand why he was so hateful towards me?

He knew.  He finally knew that he no longer had 100% control over me.  His game with me was nearing the end and he wasn’t going to make it easy for me.

We were alone.  There were no witnesses to his outburst.  It was my word against his and right now the kids thought I was being mean and hurtful to him.  He had them like putty in his hands.  And, who would ever believe me if I talked about this evil outburst of his?  After all, he had just spent a wonderful half-hour on the phone congratulating our daughter on the birth of her baby.  And, he made certain to speak nicely of me.  She would have no reason to ever believe that he had just shown a violent, out-of-control side of himself to me!

He had his tracks covered perfectly, and he knew it.  He also knew I was scared for my life.  He put my phone in the kitchen knowing I’d never try to get it that night.  I was too afraid to move.

I stayed sitting up wide awake that entire night.  When morning finally arrived, John got up like nothing unusual had happened.  He walked past the livingroom, knocked on the door and said, “Do you want coffee?”

I remained totally silent.

I could hear him rustling around in the kitchen, and when his car finally left, I got up, got dressed, packed a bag and did not go home that night.  I knew that I was living with a very dangerous man.  I finally knew for certain that there was something very, very wrong.  I saw the evil in this man I was married to and I prayed long and hard that God would give me the strength to get away.

John never brought up this episode, and neither did I.  When the kids returned the next day, I was waiting for them.  I wanted to be with them so bad that my heart ached.  I knew they’d never believe me if I told them about their dad, so I never said a word.  In fact, this was the beginning of a period of almost two years of silence from me.  (More on that in another post.)

Listen to me carefully, please.  Pedophiles thrive on control.  They carefully plan every strategic move and they play out every possible scenario in their heads.  They do this in their adult grooming (in order to gain the allegiance of parents) and they do this when grooming children.  They mess with the mind until you think maybe you’re going crazy.  You ask yourself a million times over, “Did this really happen.”  They use shock very effectively.  And, they always, always cover their tracks.  They live by lies and alibis.

I now understand why John never wanted me to go to counseling.  His fear was that I would uncover some of the truth about him.  His biggest fear, though, was of losing total control over me, and he now saw that was happening.

This was the beginning of the end.  Oh, it took several more years for the truth to come out, but this was the critical first step — I got to see first-hand “the other John” and it was a frightening sight.

If you are in a situation right now where you are afraid, please listen to me.  You must get help!!!  Please, I beg of you to muster up the strength to get help!  Find someone you can trust and talk to that person.  If you cannot think of a family member or friend, then call an abuse help line and ask for some guidance.  Then carry through.  Get help!

If you are a victim of child sexual abuse and you’ve never told anyone, please speak out!  Report the person!!!  If you are beyond the statute of limitations  in your state, you can still speak out.  Don’t allow this person to hold you victimized forever!  It’s time for you to experience some freedom in your life!  You are worthy of freedom and so much more!

If you are a parent and you suspect in any way, shape, or form that someone could possibly be abusing children, please report that person.  The law will take over and will investigate.  Pedophiles such as John are counting on people to shrink in fear and cower in a corner of silence.  Don’t allow that any more!  Please speak up and together let’s begin putting an end to this kind of horrific abuse!

Don’t fall for the lies any more.  Don’t allow the “sometimes good” to keep you quiet about the “underlying, controlling, dominant evil.”  Good and evil cannot coexist.  It seems like they can, but it won’t work.  It doesn’t work.

The actions of pedophiles are evil. Please promise yourself that you will no longer allow the actions of these molesters to freely continue on! 

Help me to protect innocent children from being used and abused by pedophiles! Be alert.  Speak out.  Report.  Get help.  NOW!!!!  We don’t have a moment to waste because precious lives are at stake!

Love,

Clara