Today is Sunday, and Sundays always bring my heart a bit closer to God. I spend time in worship. I read a lot from God’s word. I love to reflect on the week that has gone by as well as ask God’s blessings on the week to come.
Today’s meditative thoughts were hard for me. I’ve had several emails in the past few weeks from people asking me about my faith, my children’s faith, and life in general since finding out that the man I married, the father of my children, was a practicing pedophile all of the days of our almost forty-year marriage. This walk back through memory lane has been difficult. I don’t like to spend a lot of time thinking about the past because it stirs up emotions in me that are most often best left to rest.
But, today I’ll share some with you. I think it’s important for you to know some of what this kind of trauma does to a family.
If you’re new to this blog, I’d suggest that you begin with my first post about being married to a pedophile. For the most part, I’ve been writing in chronological order so that you can see what life was like living with a man who really was two different people — the awesome, wonderful preacher, father, and beloved community leader AND the man who stalked children, who planned on how to molest them, and who carried out his plans leaving behind a lifetime of hellish trauma for many of those little girls he took as “his own.”
I’m going to answer five questions that have been most often asked of me since beginning this blog. I know you have many, many more questions, and you can email me your questions to cover at a later time on this blog as we progress with my story about what it was like being married to a man I didn’t know. Not only being married to a man I didn’t know, but being to a married to a man who committed some of the most heinous crimes known to mankind.
1. When did you become and Christian and how has the knowledge of who your husband really was affect your faith?
When I was twelve-years-old I was baptized and made a commitment to give my life to Christ. I was so thankful for the gift of knowing God and my Lord that I wanted every part of my being to live according to the Bible. That is 99.9% why I married John. I thought he was “my gift from God.” “The answer to my prayers.” “The man God sent to me.” I prayed daily from before the age of twelve for a Christian husband.
Marriage was a huge disappointment for me almost immediately because I soon realized there was something very wrong with my marriage. However, I believed the problem was “me.” I continued to work harder at trying to be a more loving, harder working, more understanding wife in order to be loved more. Obviously, it didn’t work. John’s affections and thoughts were elsewhere unknown to me.
What has this knowledge of finding out that the man I married was a child molester done to my faith? In all honesty, for a while I distanced myself from God. I couldn’t pray because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to read the Bible because it didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to go to church because I lost trust in everyone. I still believed in God, but I was no longer “sure” of the part God played in my life.
Where am I now in my faith? I’m climbing back slowly. I pray many times every day. I read from God’s word daily. I don’t understand why God allowed me to marry this man, but I know one thing: I sure am thankful for the blessings of my children and grandchildren. Had I not married John I would not have them and I can’t imagine one day without my family!
One thing I find incredibly difficult to do is to set foot back into the building where John preached. My son Jimmy is the preacher there, and I love him so much, I love his pure heart, and I love having spiritual discussions with him, but………to sit in that building brings on an inner trembling that to date I cannot stop. For thirty plus years I sat faithfully and listened to John preach from that pulpit. I believed him. I honored him. I respected him.
In truthfulness, it’s just too hard on my heart yet to sit in that same building. That is a “trauma trigger” for me. I make no excuses. It’s just a fact. It’s going to take some more time.
2. Did you ever imagine yourself as divorced?
This is a hard one. Just the other day I was faced with a difficult situation. I was in a group setting and we were talking about large families and a lady asked, “What kind of job does your husband have? I can’t imagine how he was able to put food on the table for all of the kids.” Then, she went on and one talking about how happy I must be to be almost retired with my husband, how much she bets we are looking forward to our golden years together, and on and on.
Obviously, she didn’t know that I’m not married, and that my ex-husband is sitting out the remainder of his life in prison for molesting children.
Instead of answering her, I took the coward’s way out and just nodded and smiled.
It is so hard for me to say, “I am divorced.” I’ve practiced saying it. I’ve practiced writing it. I’ve practiced thinking it. But, it still doesn’t feel like a good fit. An even worse fit, though, would be married to the man I thought I knew. That’s incomprehensible to me!
So, the answer is no. I never, ever thought I’d be divorced. In fact, when I said “I do” those words were eternally sealed for me, or so I thought.
My feelings range from feeling like someone who is cheap and used, to being worthless, to being made a mockery, to being stupid……you get the picture.
Every day I have to work on building up my self-esteem. It’s a slow process. Sometimes I look in the mirror and mouth the words, “Is this really my life?”
This is a very different life than I planned on having, a very different life that I prayed God would give me, and not one that I’ve settled into yet. I’m a work in progress.
3. Do you feel bitter?
That’s an easy one for me to answer. “No.” I’m old enough to realize that my blessings far outweigh my pain. I’m not bitter. Bitterness accomplishes nothing. I’m sad. That’s a better descriptive word of how I feel. Mostly sad.
4. Do you worry about your children?
Every minute of every day my children are on my mind. Their father is in prison which makes them children of a prisoner. That’s an entirely new role for them. The pain of finding out about their dad’s double life has been indescribable! Some of them have had their faith increased by a thousand-fold. Others of them have a hard time believing there is a God.
Think about it. This is their father — the man who took care of their physical needs such as a home, clothing, food, doctor’s visits……..and this is the man who was also their spiritual example. He was their preacher. He was their Sunday school teacher. He was their youth group leader. He was the one who baptized them.
And, now…..he’s the one who sits in prison writing them letters — not begging for forgiveness, but preaching to them about how they must forgive him. He has shamed them, used them, made a mockery of the position “minister — man of God”, and he has certainly caused pain and confusion like none other. This was the man they loved with all of their hearts, trusted with all of their minds, and who they went to for guidance and counsel. He lied. He deceived. He cheated. He molested. He did evil things. And, this does terrible things to the hearts and minds of children. This one man has caused not just his children, but countless others, so much pain!!!!!
If you can’t trust your father, who can you trust?
5. Do you think about the future?
Yes, I do. But, not a lot just yet. I wonder what God has in mind. Is there a purpose in all of this? If so, what is that purpose and when will it be revealed?
I mostly take things a day at a time. This rocked me — knocked me off of my feet — and has left me a bit shaky. I’m getting stronger each day, but it’s a daily progression. Little-by-little…….a step at a time.
I worry about facing the future alone. The kids are all grown and most have families of their own which is wonderful. But, I wonder what life will be like for me, and then I’m drawn back to the beautiful thought that I’ll leave you with:
“There are no mistakes.”
I just love that! I believe that with all of my heart! I may not see the reason or purpose just yet, but someday I will. 
Thank you for reading. Thanks so much for learning. Thanks so much for asking. Together we will become a strong, unified voice working to create awareness for child abuse and to create a safe place for all children!
If you have other questions you’d like answered in future blog posts, please email me at: clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com . If you are in need of a speaker to come talk to your group about how to recognize the red flags of abuse, how to create safe guidelines to prevent abuse, and to hear more of my story, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .
My love to you!
Clara
PS Next time, we’ll pick up in the ongoing story of recognizing the red flags of child abuse.
My daughter, who has lost so much in her fight against cancer, isn’t bitter either. She says: “Mom, to be human means that we will be exposed to human difficulties, things like cancer and awful illnesses, things like innocent babies being born with disabilities, etc.” She says, “I think of it as, ‘if this has to happen to someone, then why not me…me, instead of somebody else?'”
Clara, maybe these awful things happen at random, and it is how we deal with them that gives us an opportunity to reach out and teach others, to let them see God’s love at work in a faithful Christian’s life. Maybe God doesn’t choose us to face these awful things, but rather chooses to help us through them when they come. Maybe He chooses to help us survive so that we can minister to others. I don’t know; I just do not associate any kind of evil with God…I give ole Satan 100% credit for bad things and evil things.
So I believe we do NOT get to choose what difficulties we face in life, but we DO get to choose how we react to them…we get to choose, with God’s help, to survive and to grow stronger as a result of what we had to endure.
You and my daughter are survivors…survivors reaching out to help others through similar difficulties…reaching out to say, “I am surviving this, and you can, too.” I believe God has ahold of your hands to lead each of you through these hard times.
Your husband made his own choices. He gave into evil temptations and led a double life, and God is the one who will judge him. However, you didn’t cause his temptation or his sin, Clara. Those were his choices. Please, daily, look into the mirror and say, “God made me strong enough to survive even this.”
Jesus said in John 16:33, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Nana Jana, Thank you so very, very much for these words! These are powerful words that we all need to hear, and I appreciate you taking the time to pen them. You should be one very proud mama of such a daughter!!!!
I LOVE the word “Survivor” — there is strength in that word, and I’m trying to use it daily! Again, thank you! 🙂
My sweet friend Clara, some of your statements sound like things we’ve shared on silent grief. And you are working through a grief. But as you work through it you are helping others. THAT, my friend is one of the major differences you have been a servant all your life. You allowed God to use and to continue to use your hands, feet, ears, and mouth to help others not to hurt them. John didn’t allow God to use him. Instead he choose to use the gifts God gave him for evil. It’s a choice we all get to make. And I am so glad God brought you into my life. I pray for you often. May He who knows our innermost thoughts continue to watch over you and give you strength.
Melody, Thank you so much! Yes, this is a big grief — a huge loss. Not just for me, but for my children, grandchildren, and so many others. And, most especially for all of those innocent ones who have been used by this man who called himself a man of God. I’m so very glad that we’ve had the opportunity to meet — certainly not glad about the circumstances that brought us together. 🙁 We each have our pain to bear………and I thank God for beautiful souls such as you who make this journey so much easier to bear. My love to you, Melody.
Clara,
You are right, like you, I believe “There are no mistakes.” I don’t know what the why you have to go through such a situation but already I can see the blessing you are to so many people because of your courage to speak out on behalf of children, you are a blessing to all the parents, people in charge and leaders who need educating on this topic, you are a strength to all those who have suffered in similar situations and you are an incredible example of how to live in the aftermath of this destructive behavior. God has chosen you well, as a voice of one crying out for the safety of children amid your pain. God bless you as you continue to enlighten us, strengthen us, warn us, encourage us and share with us. I praise God for you Clara!
Janet, Thank you so very, very much! Honestly, I pray over this blog every day asking God to direct my words and thoughts with one purpose in mind: helping to do my part in educating and empowering others so that we can keep our children safe. It’s time to stop turning our heads from this abuse and speak out loud and long and strong until we find better ways to keep our children from the hands of these molesters!
Again, thank you so much for your comment!
I understand the mixed feelings! I was 40 yrs old when I hit a crisis and my husband didn’t know what to do. It’s rather funny how he finally got me to a Christian Counselor as I didn’t want to know. The very first visit he asked a question that opened the floodgates in my mind. I rememberes every man and exactly what they did to me. I also was an adult wondering how I let them do those things to me!I was Christian and could not handle everythig at once. Right there in his office I retreated to a gray area where I didn’t hear or remember any thing. I ended up in the psych ward for two weeks and believe it or not It was the best place to be and I met all sorts of folks and began to tell my story. I played Christian music in my room and since I was working at the Christian School, I ended up with over 100 cards which I put on my wall.I had a doctor and all the nurses visit my room because it was such a peaceful place to be. I ministered to all other patients and we bonded. Most were Christians with a wide variety of problems. It was at this time God miraculous healed me. What usyall takes two years or more to heal, happend in that ward in just two weeks. I became strong and was able to speak of my ordeal, I eventually shared at several lay counseling classes and then was awarded a scholarship to take Both of the 12 week sessions. I then with New Days Speaker went “on the road” at different churches in Somerset area to Start a New Day in Somerset. I did a TV program entitled “Not in my house” for Channel 6. My 40 yearsvare different than yours but the remembering and shock have a lot in common. I believe your sharing is a healing step for you. Your willingness to go out and share in public is another healing step. God bless you as you face each day and then write encouragement for us all. You have come a long way, God is good!
Laura, Thank you so much for the words of encouragement from someone who has been through the fire! The mind is incredible at hiding things from us that are far too painful for us to handle, and it knows just when to open up so that we can eventually let the pain out!
I didn’t know you did all of those things with New Day — that is wonderful!!!! I do know that each time I share, I am empowered just a bit more and it is always my prayer that those who have been touched by the horrors of a molester will also gain a bit more courage to speak out, too! Thank you so much for your comment and your commitment to help!
I do not think that God “left this happened”. John used his gift of making choices but made very very very bad choices which he is now paying for and will continue to pay for in so many ways that we will never even know. As to why you – I know that God knew that you above all women would be able to rise above the wrongs done to you, you would be there for your children and rock and example for them to deal with the life choices of their father, AND that you and your family would put others above yourselves and share your story so that other people will have the knowledge and courage to deal with their own lives when faced by the same issues. You are one of God’s warriors trying to protect the innocent and educate the world about how to deal with the unthinkable things in their lives.
Linda, Thank you so very much! I know for a fact that God placed you in my life for a very real purpose!!!
Please continue to keep this mission in your thoughts and prayers. I want nothing more than to do my part in educating others in order to keep precious, innocent children safe from the hands of those who are out to harm them. And, you are so right — these things we’re talking about are the “unthinkable” things, yet they continue to happen every day. That breaks my heart and on those days when I’m feeling weak and weary, I just think of the children, and that helps to give me new energy.
Thank you, my special friend!