Married to a Pedophile: “It Will Never Happen to Us……” -Guest Blog

Child molestation is something we think will never, ever happen in our family. We fool ourselves into thinking that this is something you read about in the newspaper or see on Dateline or on the evening news every now and then.

WRONG!  Pedophiles are living among us in every walk of life and they are thinking about YOUR child constantly, planning how to MOLEST your child, and they will not stop until their mission is carried out.  How do I know?  I heard it from the mouth of a pedophile — the man I was married to for almost forty years. In his words, “If I wasn’t in prison I’d still be doing what I did from my teen years — I’d be molesting children.”   If you are  new to this blog, please begin reading here so that you can understand why this blog is being written.  Almost a half million people have now visited this blog and keep coming back faithfully to be educated and to learn how to be better informed about preventing child molestation in our own homes.

Today, I’m so happy to have a guest blog written by a person who asked to remain anonymous in order to protect the privacy of the individuals mentioned.  This post is powerful and has so much great information in it.  Please soak it up, digest the words, and share!!!

“It Will Never Happen to Us”……Guest Blog ( by Anonymous)

1 in 4 girls is molested in the United States and 1 in 6 boys is molested from statistics that I can find. I see many parents, especially in conservative society, struggle to find the method to the madness of preventing and protecting their children from being molested.

There are random statements that are often thrown around by many different people, mostly parents who have never had experience (thankfully) with dealing with child molesters or pedophiles. For this reason, I am choosing to write this article to perhaps help those parents to realize how ignorant some of their ideas and statements can be.

Ignorant Statement #1

“My daughter/son thanked me the other day for never putting them in the position to allow them to get molested.”

Why is this an ignorant statement? The one reason is that parents that are hurting from finding out that their child, whom they worked very hard day and night to protect and shelter,  has been molested over a matter of years.  One young woman spoke to her family in her 20’s letting her mom know about how she was molested at the dinner table and in the bedroom she shared with several other siblings with no door over a matter of years by a “Christian brother” that visited at times.   Another mother mourned the loss of her children’s innocence in learning her son had molested and raped his sisters over many years’ time. Yet another mother learned her husband had a double life of being a minister and doing unseemly things to his children at home. They were threatened with pain, injury and the law if they told.  These stories are not uncommon! 

Ignorant Statement #2

“I never let my children out of my sight and so there is never a chance for them to be molested.”

There are some parents that live their whole lives making sure their children never leave their side to protect them. However, as in the stories stated above, there are still high incidences of abuse in very watchful, sheltered homes. Why? One of the reasons is that many incidences of abuse do not come from strangers. Most molesters are men or teenage boys, less likely are women, but it can happen. Many of them are married or have been married (77%) and 93% of them are religious. There is high incidence among white, married, with a profession of religion that live in the USA that commit crimes of molestation.  Hispanic, African-American, Asian, and even Native American cases of molestation are either not reported as much or the incidences are that much lower.  Only 10% of molestation comes from a stranger.

When we think that the fact that we will never let our children out of our sight or with non-family members protects us, which is an ignorant statement because of the risk factors. Your child is more at risk in your home among family and friends than he/she is out among strangers.

Tell Others the Facts!

Ignorant Statement #3

“I am sure that mom had to have known it was happening. There is just no way a mom would be that ignorant to not have known. My kids tell me everything and I know they would not have kept it a secret.”

The first thing to admit is that we are fallible as parents. The second would be to admit that while we may be great parents, there are some evil, wicked people out there that  use their minds to constantly seek evil towards others.

“An heart that devises wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,” Proverbs 6:18, KJV.

 This is not how the general mind of someone who is not a pedophile works. One thing that a mom or dad needs to realize is that the people you are careful of are likely not the most dangerous. It is generally the nice man who sits next to you in church that molests his nieces at night when they come to visit. It might more likely be the father that looks like he has all the answers, is strict with his children, has good rules, but is more likely to be a pedophile than the one that is looser with his children.  Sound confusing? I know. It makes you as a parent feels like you are never going to be able to prevent this or keep your children safe.

I am unsure of why the statistics are this way, but conservative religious households with more guidelines and strict rules are more likely to have children that are molested than the other. I am not sure if it is because pedophiles tend to be drawn to the churches with many rules or that people raised in those societies are easier targets, as they don’t believe they are at risk.

The devil wants your children. He wants to steal, kill and destroy and he will do it through your ignorance. If you have made one of these ignorant statements, stop and think. “How can I change that ignorant statement into a positive statement and actually work on protecting my children from harm?”

We do not have to look far to see the conservative giants that have been felled by the sin of sexual misconduct; Doug Phillips and Bill Gothard are just among the most recent.

The most common statement that is often heard when you learn that someone was convicted of molesting a child is, “I would have never thought it of him! Are you sure? Could someone maybe have accused him falsely? Everyday people are accused falsely of this. We need to make sure it is right.”

While this may be true, often we tend to protect the victimizer instead of the victim when we say these things!!

Let’s instead take some of those ignorant statements and see if we can make some more clarifying statements that can not only protect our children, but also teach them, as they get older to protect themselves and their own children.

Helpful Statement #1 (to our children)

“There are a lot of really horrible people out there in the world. I am going to do my best to protect you from harm at all costs. I know though, I cannot protect you from everything. If someone ever treats you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, talks to you wrongly, remember that it is not your fault, even if they say it is, and please come and talk to your dad or me about it right away. If someone ever says not to tell, you especially need to remember that this is the time to tell. I cannot protect you from things I do not know about. Do not ever feel you are being disrespectful if a visitor, minister or even one of our relatives makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell me about it. I will not force you to be polite to them.”

Helpful Statement #2

“I am going to do my absolute best to keep my children protected and in my sight. I know that there will come a time when I will have to allow them to grow as an adult and be in the world without me. I pray that I can teach them to make sound judgments as they grow about who they are around, not being vulnerable to harm, but also realizing that I am human and I need to learn that even though I work to protect them the most that I can, I will fail.  I must learn to trust God with their care and protection.”

Helpful Statement #3

“I will refrain from judging others and thinking that I would have done differently in their shoes. I do not know what goes on in all homes and many mothers and fathers are completely ignorant of abuse, even though that is hard for me to fathom.”

To close this article out, I would just want to say, that while some of this info may be hard for us to understand, accept,  or even want to know about, if we want to protect our children, it is important to learn and to accept the real facts and not just what we wish it was like.”

It Can Happen

*Closing note from me (Clara):  A very special thanks to our guest blogger.  You can feel the pain she expresses when writing.  You can feel her intense desire to help educate others so that their children will not become victims of molestation.

Please don’t ever say, “It can’t happen in my home.”  It can and it does happen in many, many homes.  I’ll say it again — listen to the statistics.  They prove that molesters are actively searching for our children.  Look in a room — maybe a church assembly — and really think about this:  1 in every 4 girls has been or will be molested.  This is tragic!

It’s time parents start talking to their children about abuse.  Believe your children when they give you “hints” or come right out and tell you about their abuse! 

Remember that pedophiles aren’t hiding behind some dark bush with a mask over their face waiting to prance on children.  Pedophiles are teachers, preachers, nurses, doctors, mechanics, farmers…..pedophiles can be anyone!!  And, they are most often the people who have groomed us to love them and respect them and believe them.

Stop believing lies and start listening to our children!  We absolutely must take off our blinders and see things as they really are!  It’s time to make it so difficult for the pedophiles to get to our children that they finally give up! 

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for sharing this information.  And, thank you for caring enough to do all you can to help protect our children from molesters!

Love,

Clara

 

19 thoughts on “Married to a Pedophile: “It Will Never Happen to Us……” -Guest Blog

  1. It’s true that many will know their molester and trust them. It was a woman who molested my daughter at a Christian preschool. She threatened the life of her baby brother and my husband and I. How is a 3 year old supposed to process this? Our doctor explained it this way…It starts out feeling good for them. Little kids have good feelings too. It begins to escalate as trust is built. I’m my daughters case it was vaginal bleeding. She was interviewed by so many professionals and she wouldn’t tell them a thing out of fear for her brother and us. She told me everything a couple of months later when she was feeling completely safe again. Years later another child was fondled with clothes on by a 14 yr. Old neighbor who had known her since the day she was born. He got her to follow him in her house with his new puppy whom she adored! Her older brothers and sister were outside playing right next to her and didn’t think it was a problem because his mom was home and we were such good friends! I was at their door in less than 5 minutes. She told me that night when she was taking a bath. I almost killed him!! He denied it! It happens people! I knew there were issues with them because we had been helping his family. His mom was a single mom, went to my church and was my neighbor! I thank God I went to the door when I did. Beware and if you have a ” gut” feeling about someone..beware!

    • Keri, What you’ve shared is information that EVERY parent needs to read time and time again. It’s difficult to think about, and even more difficult to believe, but……you’ve shared information that is “must know” information if we intend to stop this ongoing abuse on little children.

      I’m so, so sorry to hear about the things you’ve shared. The tactics used on children are endless — and so many of the times these abusers are the very people we know and have come to trust! In fact, as you’ve helped us see, most often it’s that way! And, your doctor was so right. What little 3 year old is able to process what is going on??? Children begin getting curious about their young bodies and the molesters know just where to touch and how to touch that feels good to them. Once they’ve accomplished that with the child, they move on to other more intrusive things and then finally penetration. I’ve tried countless times to wrap my mind around this — how horrifying it must be for a child to be betrayed like that– but I cannot imagine.

      Thank you for ending with the saying that has become true for me and countless others: If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If you have that “gut feeling” about someone, you’re probably right!!!

      • It was tough to share certain details because it is so horrible. I also just want you to know that they are both grown now and are doing very well. You sharing all of this Clara will also help many people. I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. It is horrible. I also want you to know that I pray for you. God Bless you!!

        • I have come to the conclusion that God allows us to go through things not only to test and strengthen us, but so that we can help others from our own experiences.

    • Alisa, Sadly, I think this is a growing thing since so much garbage is made available to young ones on TV. It used to be so much easier to kid-proof our children and guard what goes into their little minds, but that’s not the case any more. This book looks excellent and it’s a much needed one for anyone with young children. I’m going to get a copy and if I feel it is one that should be added to our educational library on keeping our children safe from molestation, I’ll post a link on this blog. Thanks so much for your input!

  2. A lot of times, pedophiles will threaten the child’s parents with harm. This needs to be addressed with the children

    • Absolutely true! My list is far from complete. Pedophiles will often use scare tactics in order to be assured that the child will keep quiet. My heart literally hurts when I think of what so many children have had to go through at young ages when they literally depend on adults for their safety and care. Life can be harsh — very, very harsh!

      • Yep!! One of the step father’s training tactics. “You don’t want to hurt your mama, do you?” (I think of Snidely Whiplash twisting his moustache at that thought). Well of course not. How many of us want our loved ones hurt?

        • Brenda R, Thank you so much for your comments and your insight. It takes so much courage to speak out — even on paper, doesn’t it? When there is a “threat” of hurting someone — especially a mom or brothers or sisters — we’ll go to any length not to hurt them, and the pedophile knows that!

  3. I think also in conservative groups (and I was raised in one) the tendency is to believe that everyone “out there” is evil and everyone who is “with us” is good. to accuse someone who is “one of us” is to create division and dissension which is an “unpardonable sin”. So because of that even the slightest mention that a leader (and who hasn’t heard the ‘never criticize a leader ) may be capable of doing bad things is not even allowed. Also what has not been mentioned is that some groups discourage any involvement with the police the “we take care of our own” mentality. so the church takes care of it which basically results in the offender knowing he can get off scot free. Just thought I would give some additional reasons I thought why some children dont tell.

    • Shirley, Thanks so much for all of the thoughts! You are so very right — it has been branded into our brains that we love our church leaders, they are to be respected no matter what, and we are to never talk against them — ever! And, the same goes for “church goers” — we are made to feel like we are sinfully judgmental and we are hypocrites if we dare say (or even think) anything against our church family. Just think what this does to the child who is being molested time and time again by one of the “good ones” and doesn’t dare tell? And, the molester is totally confidant that should the child try to tell, nobody will believe him/her. We’ve got to stop this type of teaching!!! Thanks so much for your great input! You’re “right on” with your thoughts.

    • Linda, I’m sure she will read your comment and be so appreciative. She certainly has given some very keen insights into what to say, how to interact with our children, and what NOT to say so that we don’t re-victimize the already hurting victim. Every sentence written is full of wisdom! Thank you so much for reading and for passing on this information!

Comments are closed.