Sitting in the ashes of this wreckage, I trembled. Alone. Feeling desperate. Not knowing where to go for some kind of wise counsel or help. Not knowing how people would respond. Penniless. Single after a near lifetime of married life. I was afraid. This was new territory for me and I had nobody to help chart this course. I didn’t know one other person who was the spouse of a pedophile. I needed help, but had nowhere to go!

The first few months after the sentencing of John are somewhat of a blur in my memory. If I hadn’t journaled, I doubt I would have remembered much at all. I remember thinking, “You have to pick yourself up and go to work. Face people. Face the facts. Face your new life. You have to do it. You’re walking alone now. Who’s going to help you? You have nobody.” Alone is perhaps the loneliest word of all.

We’d all like to think that others will come running to our rescue, but the reality is that doesn’t often happen. And, when it does, it’s most often short-lived. Foremost on my mind was the fact that I needed to keep the two youngest girls and myself in a house. It’s interesting to me as I look back in my journal, but never once did I doubt my ability to do this. Every now and then, you feel kind of proud of yourself, and this was one time I’m so glad that I didn’t allow my thoughts to go awry. Instead, I sat and thought. I sat and prayed. I took a pencil and paper out and wrote down every bill, and was determined some how some way to meet this financial challenge. I’ve always heard that the financial challenges in life are the easiest to overcome, and I found this to be true. Sure, it was hard taking on a mortgage, food, gas, electricity, fuel oil (we spent our first winter alone freezing — and I do mean freezing! I found out what it was like to be denied a month of credit for fuel oil. What a learning lesson that was!

After about eighteen months, with the help of two daughters who were an amazing help, the finances were figured out to the degree that we were okay. We ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly, but you know what? That was alright. We were together. We had a roof over our heads. And, we were beginning to find some inner strengths that had been hidden.

The hardest part and the most fearful part, perhaps, came from facing people after the sentencing. John’s prison time began around the same time as Jerry Sandusky’s. If you remember there was a lot of murmuring going on about Jerry’s wife. Did she know the abuse was going on in their home? Had she heard about the abuse in the showers? Didn’t she pick up on anything that clued her in on Jerry’s molesting children? Every time that topic came up I cringed. I still do. I still feel like I need to begin explaining and defending myself for not knowing. This is a horrible guilt that I’m working on. To this day, a decade later, I question things. Why didn’t I notice something more than odd behavior? Did my girls give me hints along the way? Was I living so far from reality that I couldn’t see what was happening? I was having so much trouble freeing myself from self-blame. Every time someone spoke to me I pictured them accusing me in some way. “Didn’t you know? I left my kids with you. Now I wish I never had!” Those thoughts roared through my mind like a semi-truck speeding without brakes. Night after night, I soaked my pillow blaming myself for not seeing and not wanting to face another person who “might” be accusing me of being a negligent mom and friend.

Fear is something that crept into my new life early on and all but immobilized me for a while. While I was able to get the physical things a bit organized such as the finances, I was far from getting myself in a place of some kind of peacefulness and strength. My life and my children’s lives were drastically changed by the actions of the man we all once loved and adored. Our lives would be forever altered by another person’s actions and that scared me to death. Because I now knew that not just “other children” had been molested, but some of “my own children” had been harmed in the most grievous ways, I was so afraid of what might happen next. How were my children handling this family crises? How were they facing their friends and acquaintances? This was not only bitterly sad, but this was an anguished embarrassment. This isn’t news that you like to share with the world. It’s shameful. It’s harrowing. It’s downright hard to have everything you ever believed in come unglued! Plus, I felt like the entire world’s eyes were on us — watching, waiting to see how we would travel through this miry mess of tragedy.

Fear of the unknown settled in my heart. I became physically ill. My blood pressure soared. I suffered from panic attacks. I had low to no energy. I became depressed. I was scared out of my mind that I’d say the wrong thing to the kids and it would trigger them or push them away from me. I withdrew from life for a while not knowing what to do. I think that I needed this time alone just to collect my wits. I had to find some way to gain back strength so that I could be some kind of help to my kids. I had to find some way to bring us together so that we wouldn’t fall away from one another. The burden was heavy. So very, very heavy. How many times I wished life would just go back to when I thought things were normal and happy and good!

Next time I will talk about the first step to getting a grip on fear. Fear is a nasty thing to live with. It really does penetrate every part of our lives if we don’t do something to stop it from escalating. If you find yourself in a fearful situation right now, please make sure you come back for the next blog. I think it will help you. I pray it will help you.

Thank you to every one of my readers, friends, and encouragers. You have helped me and my family tremendously on this journey back to life!

With much love,

Clara

It has now been a decade since the sentencing of my former husband. A lifetime in prison. I think about that most every day — not because I’m sad that he’s there, but because I still don’t understand child abuse. I’ll never understand child abuse. I’m sure of that!

Life has gone on, and I’m so thankful for that. Those initial days, weeks, and months of grieving what was lost, of blaming myself for not seeing the signs, and of seeing the pain in my children’s eyes has been nothing short of horrific. I can’t really put the right words into place on paper to describe the pain of those beginning years of the aftermath. There were times when I honestly didn’t believe life could continue on. Everything felt too painful and way too hard for us. Our family would never be whole again — not the way we wanted it to be. Not the way we longed for it to be. We would have to begin carving out a “new normal” as they say in the world of grief.

How do you begin? How do you begin life over after a tsunami has come through and shattered the very foundation on which you lived? What’s the first step? Who do you talk to to get help? What kind of help is needed first? Who will understand? Who will have the time and patience to care? Where will you get the strength to keep fighting to live?

In the next several posts I’ll be talking about these first steps. I’ll go into detail about what it means to be a “survivor” of abuse. I’ll be using excerpts from the journals I kept during this dark, hard, lonely times of trying to clear a path to some kind of normalcy. When I tell you it was hard, I’m not exaggerating. When you’ve had your world turned inside out and upside down it’s not easy to find “upright” again. When everything you believed was good and true and you find out that the very truth that you built your life with was a lie, it takes time to sift through the emotional pain and exhaustion and the thousands upon thousands of questions to find one single fragment left behind that makes sense and can be believed.

For the first several years following the sentencing and conviction, I felt relief, but it wasn’t comforting. Far from it. It was frightening. In many ways it still is. It frightens me to think that I shared every intimate thought and action with someone who was evil — someone who was a liar — someone who was willingly and skillfully hurting children, including mine. I think of times when I bared my soul with the man I thought was my soulmate and I feel only embarrassing shame. How could I be so stupid? I suppose I will struggle with that thought all of the remainder of my days on this earth. I loved him so much, and he betrayed me in the most vile of ways. He not only betrayed me, but he was a liar who used me. He used the innocence of so many people while adorning himself with the name of God.

And, I believed him. I trusted him. And, I will forever be sad and ashamed of that fact. I believed him — the liar of all liars. He wasn’t who he said he was, and I believed him.

My writings will be raw and straight from the heart. I want you to know what abuse does. I can’t speak for the children who were fondled and raped by him, but I can tell you about the mental torture that was used on me. I can tell you of the pain that I carry every day knowing children’s lives were impacted heavily by his evil. I can tell you that I go to bed every day asking God to help those who were harmed by him because I know that they struggle every day with pain and sorrow because their lives were redirected and greatly changed by his harmful actions. They didn’t ask for his evil. They trusted him, too. They believed him. Betrayer. Yes, ultimate liar, deceiver, and betrayer. That’s what he was. That’s what he is, and it’s hard to tuck this pain into a closet that holds the past. In fact, it’s impossible to do.

And, so I will share with you this journey to find life again. I will share with you what it has been like to try to find a healing place amid these ashes of brokenness. I will share my innermost thoughts. I will share the struggles along the way. And, I will share with you the hope that is finally being found.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. We will continue to learn and grow and be blessed together. I’m sure of it.

Until next time……

With love,

Clara

Speaking for myself, the hardest part of this healing journey has been two-fold: learning to trust again, and the feeling of being utterly and totally betrayed. Trust and betrayal are companions on this journey towards healing.

Speaking in more personal terms, I have trouble trusting people. I’m talking about not trusting “any” people! I’ve set up a wall that at times feels like it’s 50 feet thick. It’s a barrier wall shielding my heart from pain. I made a promise to myself after John was convicted that I’d never open up myself to be hurt like that again. I’m learning to walk through life alone — and this is not what I wanted at all. If you recall in earlier posts it had been my prayer from a little girl on up to marry a fine Christian man, to have a house in the country filled with children who loved God, and to live happily ever after. I thought when I said “I do” in my marriage that this prayer had been answered!

Life often takes different twists and turns — and we end up in a place far, far different from what we expected!

The man I married lied to me from day one. He deceived me. His heart was filled with evil. And, it took a toll on me, and this is true for most everyone who has experienced abuse. Yes, we survive but there are remaining scars, bruises, and a brokenness that is the residue of abuse.

I’ve explained the feeling I got when I found out that my husband was a pedophile. It felt as though someone took a sharp knife and sliced right through the very center of my heart. I experienced every negative emotion you can think of, and I’m still in a daily battle trying to gain back some much-needed trust.

Healing is a process — often, healing from abuse is a life-time journey. Most of my years on this earth are over. Most of my earthly years were spent living with a man who was far, far different from the man I prayed for. I can’t change that. And, there are days yet when I am consumed in lonely, heartbreaking tears. That’s okay. I know I have to face my pain and grief head-on if I expect to have genuine healing.

But, the trust part. The betrayal part. That’s hard stuff to move beyond. I have tried visiting several churches since John’s incarceration and that same overwhelming feeling of betrayal almost paralyzes me and I find myself struggling with thoughts such as “liar, faker, betrayer” and my mind gets stuck on these thoughts. I’m trying…..and I’ll keep on trying. I know there are good, honest, godly people on this earth. That has to be true! But………I’m just not there yet. I have lots of work to do!

Those of us who have lived with lies and betrayal have lost a kind of innocence to life that is difficult to reclaim. For a long time, I found myself questioning even the truthfulness of God. I’m getting to a much better place with that. But, with people………I’ll keep trying and trying. Part of my lack of trust is that wall of protection and the other part is learning how to live within the pain of this type of loss.

Bear with me. Bear with those of us who are full of questions and fear. With the recent outpouring of support for survivors of abuse, I sincerely believe that healing is coming! I believe with all of my heart that the wounds will be made softer, less visible, and some of the wounds of abuse will even go away!

I’d like to end with a quote from the book Hope 365 (written two years after the death of my son Mike). “Allow the brightness of the stars to shine down on you. God’s power can be seen everywhere, even in the darkest night.”

I, along with countless others, am looking for that power found in the brightness of the stars. I know it’s there….and I know I’ll find it!

With love,

Clara

PS Next week, I’ll begin a special segment called “Living in the Aftermath of the Storm”. You will not want to miss these posts!

I was talking with a friend the other day and she asked how long it has been since I learned of John’s double life? I had to stop and pause. The question kind of shook me up a bit. Seven. It’s been seven years and in some ways it feels like forever, and in other ways there are still raw edges of pain to work through.

I wasn’t sexually abused, as you know. I was, however, emotionally abused. I was lied to for the entire duration of our marriage. I knew that something wasn’t quite right, but…..God help me to understand how I was living with a man who had such a dark, evil side to him!

Seven years later, and where am I emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually?

Let me begin by saying that my arguments and disappointments with God have stopped. I know that I will never fully understand the “why” of all of this, but I am beginning to see the beautiful fabric of healing that is being woven from this abuse and brokenness. I’m seeing the intertwining of pain and experience with wisdom and understanding. I’m learning more of who God is and how my Father is alive and working in my life, and always has been alive in me! I’m humbled and thankful to be used as a vessel in this plan to help others with their healing from this horrific abuse. I’m both humbled and thankful.

Where am I physically? Well, currently there is a lot more of me to the tune of thirty pounds more of me. My grief settled on my hips. For a while I was ashamed of this, but now I’m understanding. When John was arrested and sent to prison our family became very broken. Being the mom of so many kids who were in need placed a tremendous weight on my heart. I was broken, too, and that’s not a good place to be in when your kids need guidance and are looking for answers and strength. So, I comforted myself by eating late at night when the tears would begin to flow. I’m finally in a place where I can begin to work on letting go of this weight. I certainly don’t need it, nor do I want it! Once I get through Christmas, I’ll begin to focus on a healthier me! I don’t need the added pressure of trying to do this during Thanksgiving and Christmas!

Where am I emotionally? Better. Stronger. I’m getting there. The process is slow, but steady. I’m not suffering daily from the pressing guilt of not knowing what John was doing. I’ve forgiven myself for that — almost. I’m in a place where I can finally be okay for not being smart enough to figure out what he was doing. Today I’m equipped with tools and knowledge that would help me. Back then……God forbid, but I didn’t even know what the word “pedophile” meant! One step at a time, I’m bathing myself in forgiveness which I know God certainly has extended. And, I’m learning to trust again. Seven years ago I trusted no one. And, I mean that quite literally. Gaining trust back is perhaps the hardest part of all, but I’m getting there!

Where am I financially? I’m good. I have all of my daily needs met, and often I have more! I’m humbled and grateful! When I entered the work force, I had been a stay-at-home mom for over thirty years. Can you picture me suddenly becoming the breadwinner? Can you picture me trying to put together a resume? Keeping a mortgage going, paying thousands of dollars in back taxes that suddenly became my responsibility, taking full charge of a house that needed major repairs…..all while grieving so many losses within my life and the lives of my children was messy, and that’s putting it in mild terms. There were days when I barely functioned, but the wonderful part is I got through! And, I’m in a much, much better place right now. The taxes are paid. Only 4 more years and the mortgage will be paid. Some of the repairs on the house have been completed. This month I will purchase a screen door for my kitchen. I’m super excited about this, as I am with each accomplishment, no matter how small! I’m proud of myself and that’s something I sure couldn’t say seven years ago.

The journey of healing is a lifetime journey and I know that. There will always be reminders that come into my life that will open up wounds that have now become covered by a scar. And, that’s okay. I know that I must face the pain, grieve the losses, and move on to a place of gratitude for all of the blessings that shower my life each day.

Most of you know that I’ve been involved in a podcast with my son Jimmy for close to two years now. How many moms get to spend that kind of quality time with one of their sons? The Speaking Out on Sex Abuse podcast has opened my heart and my eyes even more to how wide this sea of abuse is. And, I’m also overflowing with encouragement for the many times I get to hear from survivors of abuse who are moving along on the road to healing!

I’m back to writing after a period of silence. I’ve been super busy writing on another book, doing some speaking, working with Jimmy, and working my full-time and part-time job. I’m now working just one full-time job (as of a month ago), and that’s how I’ve been able to free up time for getting back to my writing.

Thank you for sticking with me, for your belief in me, and for your encouragement! You each have played a very direct role in my forward journey of healing!

I will be back in a few days with more.

With love,

Clara

PS Leave comments! I’d love to hear from you. And, if you have a special topic/question you’d like discussed, let me know. Thanks so much!