Category Archives: Pedophile

Chosen to be a Child Molester’s Enabler: The Beginning of My Story

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Part of my mission, my purpose in life, is to educate others about child predators.  I’m not here to stir up some kind of crazy hype, but to present the facts and to give you a bit of insight as to what happened in my own life.  How was I so blinded to the fact that for forty years I was living with a practicing pedophile?  How did I not see the signs?  How did I not pick up on something being very wrong with the man I married?  
The truth is that I sensed something was wrong even before we got married, but I didn’t listen to my inner being.  I didn’t pay attention to those nudgings that something was wrong.  Why?  Because as a Christian it had been taught to me from little up that people who went to church were good, honest, moral people.  I was taught to trust people who said they believed in God and followed His teachings.  And, I did just that.  I was, unfortunately, one of the most trusting women who ever walked the face of the earth!

Pay attention to this, please!  Just because a person tells you that they walk by the teachings of God does not mean it’s true.  In fact, the word of God warns us against “wolves in sheep’s clothing”, and I learned first-hand just what that meant.  But, it would be years before my eyes were totally opened to this fact. 
As a bit of background information, I came from a broken home.  My parents divorced when I was fourteen, a sister of mine died when she was thirteen, my mother was an alcoholic, and my father was by today’s terms a “dead beat dad.”  Needless to say, I longed for a different life, and I prayed constantly that God would send a good, righteous, faithful Christian into my life so that I could build a home on godly principles and a firm foundation. 


I worked hard all through high school so that I could go to college.  But, I didn’t want to go to just any college.  It had to be a Christian college because I sincerely believed that was the only place I would ever meet a Christian man to marry.  Because I worked so hard all through high school, I earned a four-year scholarship to a four-year state school.  BUT, you guessed it!  The idea of finding and marrying a Christian man was so ingrained in my heart and mind by now that I passed up the scholarship and instead went to a very small, two-year Christian College.  Little did I know that this one decision would lead to so much heartache for me and for those who are most special in my life — my children.  While it’s true that we can’t see around every bend in the road, there are signs and signals along the way.  I didn’t pay attention to anyone who tried to talk to me.  One thing was on my mind — finding a Christian mate!

Every person wants to feel special, and longs to be told that they stand out among all of the rest.  During the summer between my first and second year of college I met a young man who was articulate, bright, funny, witty, and who also told me that I stood out.  He was spending the summer at college and so was I.  A friendship developed, and even though I was engaged to marry someone else, this young man worked very hard every day to convince me that I was with the wrong person.  He pointed out all of the flaws of the man whose ring I was wearing until he finally convinced me to break off the engagement.  That’s a story in and of itself — maybe I’ll share that with you another day. 

What was a bit strange to me was that the man I would soon marry had a quiet control over me like nobody ever had before.  Even though I had low self-esteem I was used to making my own decisions and being very independent.  For the first time in my life I found I was reporting my every move to this quiet, shy young man. He told me I was special.  He said out of all the girls on campus I was the only one that he thought was pretty and was a true Christian.  He told me just what I wanted to hear.  It was the word “Christian” that nailed me!  I knew he was the one I had been praying about since my youth!

One of the greatest stories my now ex-husband loved to tell was how he spotted me from across campus and said to his roommate, “See that girl?  I’m going to marry her.”  This was totally absurd because at the time he said that we had not even met!  He later told me he would hide and watch me — study me — and he knew my schedule, when I was going to eat, when I’d walk back to campus, when I would go to work.  He said, “I knew everything about you.  I knew where you were from morning until night. I knew I would marry you.” 

Instead of being freaked out and thinking this guy was some kind of stalker psycho, I was flattered.  “He chose me.”  Out of all of the girls around, he chose me and that again was more evidence of answered prayers.  Deep inside, though, was a gnawing feeling that something wasn’t right.  He didn’t talk much.  And, for a man who said he loved God, he made fun of people in a mean way.  He mocked people’s insecurities.  Yes, you guessed it!  He mocked me on several occasions and I felt like a piece of dirt he had stepped on.  He made fun of the size of my nose.  He made fun of my feet calling them “hammer head toes.”  He made fun of the space I have between my teeth.  I cried myself to sleep many, many nights, but still……..he was a Christian man, and he was so nice when we were together in public.  He opened the car door for me (it was my car, by the way).  He paid the bill when we went out to eat and left a nice tip.  (It was my money that he used.)  He talked me into giving him my car (which I had since I was 16) and I found myself asking him for permission to use my own car.  This was really weird! 

Why did I put up with it?  Why does anybody put up with abuse?  Because they’ve been so used to being beaten down that they think this is the norm. Please, please — if you’re in a situation like this run for your life!!!  This is NOT the way a good relationship works!  And, it’s a red flag indicator of many other problems — in my case, it was a big red flag that I was being masterfully manipulated.  Groomed to be the wife of a pedophile who was already deeply involved in porn and child sexual molestation!  

 Learn to listen for “clues” that a decision you’re making might not be right.  I had BIG clues that I passed off as “odd”, “not making much sense”, “silly”, or “not that big of a deal.”

Clue 1:  For the last four months we dated, my fiance was in Israel doing overseas study.  We corresponded by letter only.  We were to get married less than one week after he arrived back in the states.  In his letters he would write to tell me how he would hide behind the grasses on the beach and watch girls changing out of their clothes and swimming nude.  He said he’d skip class and stay there all day.  In other words, he was openly telling me he was a “peeping Tom.”  This was a test of how far he could manipulate me and I passed with flying colors! I never questioned him about it.  Oh, I cried lots, but I never questioned him!

Clue 2:  He told me while we were dating that he and one of his cousins spent the summers together and they would steal cartons of cigarettes from stores and sneak out of the house at night and smoke the cigarettes and look at “porn” all night long.  Another test!  I looked at him quietly but never questioned him.  If you want to know the truth — I didn’t even know what porn was!!!!!  I had to ask my college roommates.  Again, I was being tested.  Could he get away with doing things right under my nose?  Sure he could. I’d never question a man of God!

Clue 3:  He was almost 21 and his favorite job was to “babysit all the little kids at church for free because he loved to give them baths and powder their little butts.”  I’m totally sick now as I write these words.  Why in heaven’s name didn’t I run from this man? There were so many clues that something was wrong, and I passed them off as being a little odd.  Nothing more — just a little bit odd. In fact, I actually thought this was kind of nice.  I never saw my father get involved in parenting like that, and I thought, “Wow!  This man will make a wonderful father!”    

Porn.  Lying.  Peeping Tom.  A young man who loves bathing and powdering little kids.  Masterfully manipulating.  Gaining the trust of adults. (Church people loved him babysitting their kids!)

I was another one of his victims.  I was being set up. I was being groomed  I would be the perfect alibi for his continued evil behavior.  He was calculating.  He studied me.  He used me.  He used my faith as a means to get what he wanted.  He knew what he was doing! His actions were no mistake.  He worked very hard to plan every detail.   

Listen up everyone!  Please don’t do as I did!  If your gut is telling you something is wrong, it probably is!!! Pay attention to the little details and the little voice that is whispering something is wrong!!! 

This is just the beginning of my story.  I will share more in the weeks to come in hopes that others will not be blinded to the facts as I was.   We must get educated about child sexual molesters so that we can protect life’s most precious blessings — our children!

Why am I sharing the ugly, sad parts of my life?  That’s simple.  Because children are beautiful.  Children are precious.  Children deserve to be protected.  Statistics (according to information found here ) tell us that 1 in every 3 girls and 1 in every 6 boys are molested by the age of 18.  Please help me to stop this!  Let’s get educated!  Let’s do all we can to make it incredibly difficult for the molester!  Let’s be vigilant on behalf of our children — at all times!!! 

Every child should have the ability to grow up feeling safe and loved and whole and pure! 

It isn’t easy or comfortable for me to write about this, but I must.  I must take this terribleness and do something positive with it.  I must work for the safety of our children. 
Thanks so much for stopping by and for taking the time to read this.  Thanks even more for making yourself more aware of what is going on right under our noses — in our schools, our churches, our camps, our homes.  Let’s do all we can to work together to make this a safe place for our children!  

Love,
Clara

 

Thank You, Deb, for Remembering My Anniversary!

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Today’s post will probably be a bit strange for some, but I’m going to write it anyway.  I couldn’t sleep last night — had fitful hours of weird dreams, and finally decided, “You know what?  I’m just going to get it off my chest!”   

If you know me even remotely, you know that I’m no longer married, and I’m sure a lot of people have been wondering, “How is she doing?  What must it be like to have been married for almost forty years, and suddenly find yourself living alone?  What does it feel like to find out that you never really knew the man you married?  What’s it like to have shared the majority of your years on this earth with a man who concealed his heart from you?”  *note:  This is not a pity party, nor is it a bashing party.  This is me telling you what it’s like to find out after almost forty years that you never, ever knew the man you married.  And, I’m telling you my story on the day that would have been my 43rd wedding anniversary. 

Back to the story…….

On April 18, 1970 on a chilly spring afternoon in Villanova, Pennsylvania a gathering of family and friends came to surround me and and the young man I was marrying with love and support and to witness our vows of love and total devotion to each other.  We had an outdoor wedding, and I must say the weather was touch-and-go right up until the final moment of setting up the chairs outdoors.  There had been a terrible thunder, lightening and pelting rain storm the evening before (an omen, maybe?) and we didn’t know if an outdoor wedding would be possible until the skies parted early on that Saturday morning. 

As it turned out, there were a few rain puddles, but the sky was crystal clear, the forsythia and daffodils were in bloom, so the outdoor wedding went on as planned! 
I’m not posting any photos of the actual wedding itself.  The photos have faded, and in all truthfulness, I haven’t opened the wedding album in several years now. I have no desire to ever look at those pictures again.  At least, that’s how I feel at this moment in time.
What happened?  Two young Christians, met at a Christian college, fell in love, went through a year-long engagement, got married, settled down in a lovely country setting, became a model minister’s family, had eleven beautiful children, and then slowly (at first) the foundation began crumbling until the climactic moment when the world came crashing down!  
Plain and simple, there was very little verbal communication in this marriage.  I think it’s safe to say that if compacted into time, I cried literal years due to that one thing.  There was little to no talking within the marriage.  By nature, I’m a talker.  He was not.  
Ladies and gentlemen, here’s a lesson learned.  You will never change a person!  I repeat.  You will never change a person!  I was naive enough to believe that after we got married, he would talk more.  Instead, he become more and more quiet, more private, and excluded me from major areas of his life.  ALERT!  This was a big ALERT, but I didn’t pay attention. 
You can learn to live with a non-talker, especially when eleven kids fill your home with noise, chatter, and laughter!  Okay, with six boys and five girls there were some times of drama, crying, fighting, screaming, and all of the crazy, nutty stuff that comes along with having kids one right after the other!  So, the “ALERT” of non-communication was brushed aside temporarily until the kids began leaving the nest. 
And, before we knew it, there were only two daughters left living at home, and many grandchildren being born.  I was beginning to feel a bit strange –eerily strange.  I felt like I was living with someone I didn’t know as the years with the eleven kids at home were winding down. 
But, it’s easy to figure out that I love babies — always have and always will.  They are life’s greatest treasures — the most magnificent of miracles, and I was blessed not once, but eleven wonderful times over!  And, now the next generation was beginning to arrive and my heart soared once again!  Now the grandkids filled those empty places in my heart and that was good……….. 
Except — there was still no communication with the man I loved.  He was more private, more withdrawn, and more secretive with “me” than when we first got married, although he was a gracious, much-loved and respected community member and the most active minister,  volunteer, counselor, and confidante you’d ever find.  ALERT!  Take care of your wife first!  Everyone else comes second.  Wife is next in line after God.  Always!
Let’s just say around year thirty-six, my heart became empty.  Devoid.  No more love left.  My heart had been bleeding — hurting — for so many years that it finally caught up and my heart was bleeding just like the bleeding hearts you see in this picture.  My heart bled, and bled, and bled until there was no more love left for this man I had married almost forty years before.  And, so we parted.  ALERT!  Neglect is a sure sign that something is wrong!  I repeat.  NEGLECT is a sure sign something is very, very wrong!
The sad part of this very true story is that not long after we parted our ways, he was arrested and convicted of being a practicing pedophile since the age of fourteen.  Yes, that is correct.  All through our married lives, he was molesting children — little girls were his preference.  I tremble.  I shake.  I vomit.  I shudder.  I cry.  I go numb.  There’s only so much thinking I can do about this.  The man I loved.  The man I trusted.  The man I looked to for godly instruction.  The man who fathered all of my children.  The man who I wanted to make happy all the days of my life was a practicing pedophile and that is why he was so secretive and quiet and unable to communicate with me.  The man I married now sits in prison serving thirty years of incarceration which I think is a fair exchange for the lifetime of hell his actions created for the countless innocent children who were harmed by this one man.  
How does that make me feel?  Initially like dirt for not seeing what was going on.  Initially broken.  Initially angry beyond words.  Hateful towards him at times.  Weak.  Alone.  Afraid.  And, hurting beyond hell for my family!  What did they do to deserve any of this??????? 
Today, April 18, 2013 is my wedding anniversary and I am celebrating alone.  I will drink a glass of wine.  I will eat a thick, juicy steak.  I will linger over another glass of wine.  And, I will NOT cry.  I will not allow this man to have power over me any more.  I will not feel sorry for myself ever again.  I will not say, “This is terrible and I did not deserve this.”  Life is unfair to most people, and truthfully this part of my life has been terribly unfair, but it will not ruin me!  I will not allow this to define me. I am bigger and stronger than this! 
My message to every person who has been trampled on, deceived, and had your heart stomped on is this:
Take some time to grieve.  Feel the hurt.  Let it go deep.  Allow it to cut and bleed (and believe me, it will)!  But, after the shock of it all and after the pain of the initial blunt force to the heart begins to stop hurting so bad you want to die, walk away for a while and take stock of your life. 
Pull the blanket of hell back and uncover the blessings of heaven that are still there!  In my case, my God, oh my God, how I thank Him for all that has been given to me!  God, how I love my children!  God, how I love the grandchildren you have given to me.  God, how I thank you for allowing me to live this long and have good health.  God, how much I thank you for food, clothing, transportation, and a home.  Oh, my home!  God, how much I thank you for allowing me to wake up to birds singing and to be surrounded by so much nature and beauty.
Do I hate being alone at this stage in my life?  At first, I did.  But, you know what?  I’m beginning to blossom in ways I never thought possible.  I feel more sure of myself than ever before.  I laugh more than I have in a long, long time.  My heart is beginning to feel alive again.  Heck, those aren’t bad things — those things are great things!  And, I’ve found that I’m never really alone.  Every day, there is someone who is placed in my life that blesses me in some wonderful, caring, giving way!
My special thanks today to my friend Deb, who married the man she loved with all of her heart on April 17, 1970, just one day before my wedding.  We were friends before we got married, and we remain friends to this day.  Deb, my special friend, sent me the sweetest message ever yesterday letting me know that even though she was happily celebrating her 43rd wedding anniversary, there was a sadness knowing I was not celebrating mine.
Deb, I am celebrating!  I really, really am.  And, tonight when I lay my head on my pillow, I will thank God for the wonderful blessing of a 43-year-long friendship!
Yes, indeed, April 18, 2013 is a beautiful day!  God bless all those whose hearts have been broken with the fortitude and resolve to go on!  Even with the pain, it’s still a mighty fine life! 
Trust me in this — you WILL survive!  And, you WILL blossom again.  And, you ARE a thousand times stronger than you ever imagined!!!  Don’t ever allow anyone to define who YOU are!  You are magnificently made and you can survive anything!
Let’s celebrate life together!!! 
Love,
Clara