If you’re new to this blog, I’d encourage you to start reading at the very beginning of my story.  This blog is about my journey of being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years.  The purpose of sharing my story is to educate you so that you will not be as naïve as I was about child molestation.  There were “red flags” in my marriage, but I had no clue what these meant.  After reading my story, you will be in a much better place to recognize the signs of child abuse and to do something about it!

After John’s out-of-control outburst,  I can truthfully say that I lived in fear of him every moment after that.  I knew for certain that I no longer wanted to be married to him.     But, I also knew that breaking ties with him would not be easy and most definitely would not be accepted by others, including my family.  John remained a hero to many.  In their eyes he was the epitome of what a Christian husband and father should be.  He was outwardly kind and gentle.  He was still preaching part-time, and he remained active in serving others in the church.  He visited those in the hospital.  He still conducted weddings.  He baptized people.  He was positive and always encouraging others.  He was loved and respected in the community, church, and by his children.

To me, however, he was a different person because I saw him through different eyes.  I had lived with his neglect, emotional abuse, and mockery for years now, and I had also seen an angry, evil side of him that was frightening.  My eyes would never look at him the same again.

The contrasts in his behavior were confusing to me, to say the least.  There were times when I would cry out to God asking the question, “Am I crazy?”  It felt like something was so very wrong with me.  I’d listen to John laughing and talking with the kids in the other room and think, “This cannot be the same man who has this other side to him.  It just can’t be.”

And, yet I knew.  Yes, this was the same man.  This was the man who was such a mystery. 

I was still going to counseling once a week.  Mostly, I’d just recap what happened that week, and my counselor would gently nudge me to make decisions.  I was to a point where I felt like there was nothing left inside.  I felt so empty.  Emotionally drained.  Physically exhausted.  Spiritually dead.  Nothing — absolutely nothing — made sense to me any more.

Due to the federal trial, our finances were in a shambles.  We had debt piled upon debt.  John had quit preaching full-time at the church (his decision and one which I’ll always question.  Was someone onto him????).  He picked up part-time weekend work preaching as a traveling minister.  And, he was working as a salesman, but making bare minimum wages.  I had become the main breadwinner of the family, and believe me when I say my wages were nothing compared to what we needed to pay the bills!

My nerves were shot!  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone or so discouraged in all of my days on this earth as I did during this period of time.

Do you know what still baffles me?  John continued on as though there wasn’t a problem in existence.  He still acted like our marriage was wonderful — even though I remained distant and cold toward him.  He put on such an act to others.  He would tease me in public. He’d wrap his arms around me when we were sitting in a public place.  He’d go to bed at night and continue to walk over to me, pat me on the head and give me a peck on the cheek even though I hadn’t shared a bed with him for quite some time now.  And, always  he would have a cup of coffee, piece of toast, and an egg fixed for me for breakfast.

I couldn’t make sense out of anything anymore and had myself fairly convinced that I either had gone crazy or I was well on my way to dying.

The end result was that I shut down.  I stopped talking.  For almost two years I remained silent with John.  I decided to take some steps back and just observe, and this was the best move I’ve ever made in my entire life!

Unknown to me, I was rattling John’s cage.  I was shaking him up bad, and I didn’t know it.  One-by-one the kids were coming to talk to me begging me to talk to him.  “Dad is so worried about you.  He doesn’t know what’s wrong.”  “Dad said he can’t take it any more.  If you don’t love him, he’s going to drive his car into a tree.”  “Dad said he came close to running his car off the side of a mountain tonight.”

But, John never came to talk to me.  John never said one word to me.  Why?  I honestly believe he was afraid of me for the first time in our lives together.  I think he was worried that I had him figured out.  And, for the first time since he met me he no longer had control over me.

He continued to lay daily work lists on the table for me, and I ignored them.  “Drop this off at the Post Office.”  “Call so and so and tell them I’ll be late for my appointment.”  “Make me a dentist’s appointment.”

I did nothing.  I no longer “obeyed his every command.”  I didn’t talk back.  I just didn’t talk.  And, now I understand it was killing him.  Why?  Because he no longer had control of my mind.

Remind yourself of this often:  “A pedophile must have control.  They will plan for months, sometime years, how to finally get their victim.  They must have control!”

And, I had broken the chain of control that John had over me by my silence!  I was finally beginning to make decisions for myself.  I no longer reported every tiny thing to him.  I didn’t jump when he left his “to do” lists for me to complete.  And, my behavior had him worked up.  My silence was pushing John into a place of panic and despair without me ever knowing it!

And, this is where the climactic shift came in John’s behavior.  Almost overnight his behavior began changing publicly.  Not so radically that people no longer loved and adored him.  But in a way that people began questioning his behavior.

John announced to everyone that he was going to become a full-time manny.  He began working day and night writing a resume for manny jobs, and he spent hours upon hours in his office sending out resume after resume for manny jobs.

This was, perhaps, the biggest red flag of all!  Why would a college educated man of 60 years of age make a decision to take care of babies and toddlers full-time when he could have done substitute teaching in the school that was less than a mile away from our home?  Why was he so determined to be caretaker to small children when he could have had an administrative job working with adults?  Why did he pass up several job offers only to say, “I’m going to be a full-time manny”?

It made no sense.  John made no sense.

I remained silent.  I watched.  I listened.  My mind questioned.  I prayed for wisdom and insight.  I listened more.  And, I no longer felt I was so crazy.  I began to see that it was HIS behavior that was strange.  He was not backing down.  He was going to be a full-time “au pair” — a phrase I had never heard of until I saw it on his resume.

By my silence I was driving John into a pedophilic frenzy without ever knowing it! John was beginning to spiral out of control because he no longer had full control over me.  I had been his alibi for forty years.  I had been the perfect cover-up for his actions.  I was his stronger supporter in the past.

And, now, by my silence, I had given him a message that was loud and clear.  “You no longer control me.  I have a mind of my own and I’m going to use it!”

I’m going to stop here because what I will share with you next will probably be a bit hard for you to read.  It’s horrific for me to think about.

I have no doubt at all that God’s hand was mightily at work in my life at this time.  God was preparing the way to expose one of the most active pedophiles our court systems had ever come across.  It wouldn’t happen overnight, as you will see.  In fact, it took another four years of pain and suffering, but it was happening and I didn’t have a clue.

There are times when we must draw ourselves into silence in order to hear the truth.  We can’t hear God when we are whirling in a spiral of confusion.  Only when we are silent can we unclutter our minds enough to hear God speaking and to see the truth.

During my two years of silence the truth was being revealed.  Little by little, the blinders on my eyes were being taken off, and I could see more clearly.  Everything that was a total blur began coming together a bit more clearly now.

I knew with absolute assurance that something in my marriage was terribly wrong.  There was no doubt that when John entered the room my physical body felt a surge of fear.  I knew evil was near.

Remember this.  Pedophiles are smart.  They study people.  They are masters of silence and patience.  They plot, plan, and scheme to take full control.  Their minds are concentrating on molesting children.  They have distorted views and beliefs of what is true and right and pure.  They take the innocence of children and hurt them in terrible ways.  Their hearts do not feel remorse.

Please read this particular blog several times over because it’s an important one.  My silence became the greatest weapon used against John and I didn’t know it.  He became confused.  He became alarmed.  He was now perplexed and didn’t know what to do.  Why?  Because I was no longer held captive under his spell of abuse.

If I can break free, so can you!  In your moments of silent contemplation you will begin to see the truth. You will begin to see a way out.  You will begin to see a way of escape.  You will begin to see strength.  You will begin to see hope!

Please, for the sake of all of the children who are being targeted by pedophiles right now, let’s get educated.  Let’s be smarter than they are.  Let’s be alert at all times.  Let’s watch and listen.  And, then let’s speak out loud and clear.  Let’s blow the whistle on these molesters!  Let’s strip them of their power over innocent children and do all we can to protect our children.

Who is a pedophile?  A practicing pedophile can be anybody, but is most likely someone you know and trust.  That’s frightening!  Read this description and become empowered!  It’s time to reclaim safety and innocence for our children!

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for sharing.

Love,

Clara

PS  Next time I will share with you phrases John used that were tell-tale signs that he was a molester. I will share with you what he began telling our children.  I will share with you things that are frightening.  I will share with you so that you will understand what these words and actions mean!