Thanks so much for visiting this blog! You have no idea how much your presence means to me. I feel like I’m connecting with friends and people who understand, and we share a common goal – protecting our children and helping stop this horrible cycle of child molestation.
If you’re new here, please be sure to start here. This is an easy read – I write straight from my heart and you won’t find any fluff. “It is what it is.” I’ve found that’s the only way I can write.
We left off with our move to Pennsylvania following John being fired from his job as youth minister in Oklahoma. I’ll be upfront with you and let it be known right off the bat that this was not a place where I wanted to be. This area of the country is known as snow country. It has mountains and long, cold, dreary winters. I grew up in Southern Jersey right along the shore and my heart will always be connected to the ocean.
Worse, though, than the location was the situation. I was sickened at the thought of being a preacher’s wife. I struggled so much with low self-esteem issues and now I knew without a doubt that I was going to live under the scope of eyes watching my every move as well as every move of my children.
John’s one promise to me had been that we’d never be a preacher’s family, yet here we were – committed to doing just that. We were now officially part of this thing called “ministry.” John had not prepared for ministry. He was a business major gone sour. He couldn’t keep up with the math classes. So he changed his major, and then persuaded his professors to create a title for his specialized course — Religious Education. He was the first student at Oklahoma Christian College to graduate with this degree. Talk about manipulation!
Adapting to living in the church parsonage was not easy for me. I grew up on a farm with chickens, goats, sheep, dogs, cats, and my horse Robbie. And, suddenly here we were in the center of town with a nursing home just yards away from our kitchen window, absolutely no yard – only a front porch that would serve as the outside play area for our kids – and worse yet was the fact that the parsonage was connected to the church building. The living room door opened up into the church auditorium. I had no choice in where we lived. The parsonage was part of the preacher’s package.
In looking back, it’s so strange to me that John had such an obsessiveness with his list writing – everything had to be spelled out in the smallest detail on a daily basis – yet he had the most amazing ability to adapt to circumstances and people. He didn’t have a care in the world about meeting new people, working with them, or living in the parsonage. In fact, he loved it! He was in his glory being the leader of the pack! And, people loved him!
We settled into life at the parsonage within a few weeks. I had my fair share of problems which I’ll not elaborate on here, but John – let’s just say when he was center stage he was delighted! He was especially happy because we moved on October 1 and already he had big plans for a teen New Year’s Eve party in the basement of the church building. If you remember reading about our first New Year’s Eve together, then you can well imagine the knot that was in my stomach just thinking about this one.
John bought party planning books and he sat with them for hours underlining, highlighting, and folding pages to mark the games that he thought we be the most fun. He was obsessed with this party!
Now, keep in mind that in my presence he was probably the quietest person I knew. He hardly spoke a word. In fact, he barely grunted. Our daughter was almost two, and he was so preoccupied with “church work” that she was pretty much my child. I often cried myself to sleep thinking, “This is what it’s like to be a single parent.” I would wait all day for John to sit in a chair by me to watch some TV or just talk about his day, but I’ll be honest with you. Instead, he either closed himself off in the bathroom or he went to sleep. Do you know that I never knew simple things about him such as his favorite color, his favorite food, or his favorite hobby. Isn’t that weird to be married almost forty years and not know those things about your spouse?
One day I was so excited over something our daughter had done that without thinking, I ran downstairs to the basement where John’s office was located in the church and wanted to surprise him with a hug and a kiss and to tell him the good news – she was beginning to talk! Real sentences!!!
I grabbed the doorknob and flung open the door without thinking, and what a wrong move that was! John was sitting at his desk, feet propped up, with a book in front of him that he quickly threw down on his desk. “What are you doing barging in here like this? I told you to NEVER disturb me when I’m studying. Ever! Do you understand me?” John didn’t raise his voice too loud, but his eyes – so piercing. He was scary when he did that.
I froze. I had entered his secret chambers uninvited and unannounced!
John made “rules and lists” for me to live by and one of the rules was I was never allowed to come downstairs for any reason to disturb him while he was studying. He was being like Alexander Campbell, the preacher from the Restoration Movement. I wasn’t even allowed to call him from the phone upstairs. He had the perfect believable answer for everything!
The very next day, John went out to a hardware store and bought a special kind of lock and put it on the door. He was the sole person who held the key. NEVER was I allowed in that church office downstairs, and this rule followed us when we moved one more time in 1981. I never was allowed to have the key to either of those offices – ever!
Lists. Privacy. Control. To others he was the fun preacher kid who was planning all kinds of neat things for the youth of the church. And, by the way, he also had his “privacy” rule with the church people. And, they also “obeyed.” He was so adamant about not being disturbed during his office time, that he unplugged the phone in his office. Not even death was an excuse to interrupt him. He made that very clear to me.
Let me insert a true example of how obedient I was to this rule. We actually had a fire that broke out in the parsonage. The parsonage was old and apparently there was an electrical problem and a fire started in the hallway by the kitchen. I was so afraid to disturb the preacher (John) that I called one of the church members in a moment of near hysteria asking him what I should do.
“Where’s John?” I answered that he was studying in his office. “Okay, I’ll be right over to check on things!” And, he did come over, and called the fire company. There was a full-blown fire that had broken out inside the walls and I was too afraid to walk downstairs and interrupt my husband for fear of being made to feel like an idiot, a fool, and worse than anything a non-supportive preacher’s wife.
I get sick thinking about how much control he had over me.
Let me stop here and say a few things that are majorly important to understand about this total control. Many of you are probably thinking, “She was such a wimp. What’s wrong with her? Why would she not speak up? He wasn’t going to hit her, so why was she so afraid of him?”
When a person is under this type of control, you do what you’re told – no questions asked. You’ve been conditioned to feel inferior on every level. I had been called ugly by him. I had been pushed away many times during intimacy making me feel so humiliated. I had been ignored. I had been rejected. I had been made to feel like I was an obstacle in the way. So, rather than risk being made to feel less human than I already felt, I obeyed the rules. Following the “Do Not Disturb” rule was a lot easier than being dealt another blow to the heart again!
What’s even more incredible to me as I look back at this one example (and there are hundreds more) is the fact that the church members obeyed John, too. He was nothing more than a kid and here were these mature adults listening to him tell them he was intensely studying for each week’s sermons and needed to be left alone for Bible study and prayer time.
Do you want to know how he prepared his sermons? The sickening truth is that he bought books written by people such as Charles Swindoll and tore pages out of them, highlighted key phrases, and stuck the pages as inserts in his Bible and he read from those pages. He did that the entire thirty plus years of his preaching. Do you want to know something else? He didn’t even try to hide those inserts in his Bible. He left his Bible open where everyone could see. It was embarrassing to me. I tried talking to him about it and he just laughed. His words were, “They’ll never know the difference.”
The truth is that John held such a spell over people that nobody ever challenged him. Ever. He had total control.
So, what did he do in his “private chambers”? Well, I know he planned party games. I’ll tell you one of his favorites next time I write. I about passed out when I read in a book on pedophiles a few months ago that John’s favorite party game is a game pedophiles play. I was sick, and still am.
I believe John’s study time was spent studying – but not the bible. I believe he was studying how to manipulate and control the members of the church. I believe he already had targeted children he planned to molest. I believe he was studying body language and the way the mind works. He wasn’t a dumb man by any means. And, he seemed to work magic with people he met.
These first few months leading up to Christmas and New Year’s were hard ones. John had study time, then left to go “visiting” in the afternoons and evenings. We had one car, so I was home with our almost two-year-old and pregnant with our second child who was due in January. I had no real friends, and making friends was uncomfortable and difficult for me. The reality was I was a perfect fit for the wife John needed! I made no trouble. I questioned nothing he did. I didn’t hold him accountable for anything. And, I worked hard to act happy in front of others when they laughed at his jokes, invited him to preacher’s lunches (no, I wasn’t invited!), and when they bragged up his preaching (when in fact he was reading from a book in front of them).
I was lonely and felt isolated. Nothing made much sense to me. John was so happy, and had so much “zip” in front of others, but at home he was so different. In my thinking, there must have been something very wrong with me. If I tried harder to be a better wife. If I worked more on having the house perfectly clean (I used to scrub the kitchen floor two times a day.) If I had a delicious home-cooked meal on the table for him every night. If I never asked for anything. If I could somehow change who I was then maybe he would love me.
Please pay attention because this is so important! A pedophile is not just a sexually abusive person, but the abuse begins with emotional abuse. There is manipulation, control, grooming (that is very well thought out), and finally the action of touching, which leads to full penetration. From what I have studied so far, a great thrill is the rush a pedophile gets from having the absolute “control” to do this — often right in front of others and have so much control that the child will never speak up! My heart breaks when I think of this. Absolutely breaks.
If you feel tormented and crazy, step back and try to look at your situation. Love does not demand you follow a list of rules. Love gives far more than it takes. Love is kind and patient. Love does not control. Love does not intentionally hurt!!! YOU are not the problem!!!! Please, please get out of that kind of situation because that’s not how any relationship is supposed to be
Pedophiles plan for months, sometimes years, in advance. They study people. They know who and how they can control. They will trap you. They will ensnare you and use you for their own personal gratification.
One of the biggest red flags of all I didn’t know was this:
“Ever hear someone described as “just another big kid”? That’s fine, as long as they are able to switch back to an adult rather than staying in the “kid” mode continuously. Child molesters think of children as their peers. They see them in terms of sexual attraction, not cuteness.” — www.notwithmychild.org
John didn’t know how to be a husband to me. His interest was with kids — planning parties. Planning visits. Planning time to sit with kids while parents went out for a break away. People loved him. They adored him. He was awesome fun! Kids loved him. He’d pick them up and swing them around. He’d romp on the floor with them. He’d have treats for them. He was a great guy. A great guy who was planning on how to molest your child!
Please open your eyes. Don’t leave your child alone with anyone! Protect your children. Pedophiles are preachers, teachers, bus drivers, dance instructors, coaches, baby sitters, and your neighbor next door. Pedophiles are funny, smart, and they don’t look like the bearded monster from outer space. Be alert at all times!
Next time we will talk about the games John planned for the youth at church, at parties, and at church camp. I tremble just thinking about this. I’m sick, and I’ve cried hours upon hours upon hours over this. I still find it so hard to believe that I was so blind. Please learn from my pain! If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.
I’ll close with a quote I found today while reading:
That’s just how pedophiles work.
Love,
Clara
PS John also did “counseling” in his secret chamber. I’ll talk about that at another time.
Can you post more or link to some sources for why you believe that pedophiles cannot be “cured”? I’m so sorry for all that has happened to you, and I pray that your healing continues to come. I appreciate all that you’re sharing. I don’t have an opinion one way or the other on the subject of rehabilitation, but do believe that God is Healer and Restorer of all who have sinned, so I’m trying to reconcile my beliefs with your statements. Id like to be more informed. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, I will do that. I’ll look through all of my resources and post the links within the next couple of days. I know that God is the Healer and the Restorer, however we’re lacking data saying these people are rehabilitated — meaning “made whole” — not falling back into that sin again. But, according to data (which I will provide) there are no known “rehabilitated pedophiles”.
Thanks so much for a very valid question. This is a big one that deserves our utmost attention.
Thank you for your courage. I have survived abuse of many kinds. You are right. I never said a word. Especially after I got brave enough to hint and all the adults that were supposed to protect me didn’t believe me. Thought I was making it up. Thought I misunderstood what happened…they believed the abuser, though, right away. I learned pretty quickly that I didn’t have a voice. No one would hear it. I deeply appreciate your humility and courage.
Fr the mother of the 27 year old daughter. Protect your relationship with your child over those with your family. She needs it more. Your husband should be supportive. I venture to say that if he is not supportive of his daughter, if he is more able to belive she is lying, or making a bigger deal out of this than the occurrence calls for, there is a problem. And he is causing. Forgive the blunt ness. I have never learned diplomacy. But I have learned of th damage and pain cause by a father who does not protect and support when he should.
I’m so, so sorry that you weren’t believed. The abusers are GREAT at twisting the truth, lying, and using others so that they will never believe the child. That still doesn’t excuse the adult in your life for not protecting you. It is my prayer every day that as people read this blog they will gain enough courage to speak up, speak out, and BELIEVE those children who have come to them pleading for help!
Thank YOU for reading this — it takes a lot of emotional strength to “go there” and then to comment. I hope you’ll continue to read and be encouraged and pass this information on to others. The more people see this, the more they will begin to have their eyes opened!!!
Ugh. I did not want to read your blog! But here alone on a Sunday morning, The Lord brought it to me. and I have to read it all now that I have begun. So painful! This was my life (before.) From the Christian college, to the Christian husband, to the parsonage. all of it. and I have never been able to express or share any of it, because it still confuses me so much. My husband left me (while in the pulpit) and my daughter and I were saved from this life, but I was so manipulated, I still would have taken him back had he just wanted me, even while he was in an affair with a married woman. There will be healing here for me, maybe. I have left off dealing with this for years, and my relationship with my Lord has been renewed and I have been granted a new marriage with love and support. and my daughter is no longer under his influence. My new husband adopted her. Like Boaz, he covered us with his cloak. But I still have the grief, the rejection, the confusion, and worst of all, the not-knowing who or how many little girls he may have abused. He was never discovered. But he is out of the ministry, so I am thankful for that. You are not as weak as you describe yourself. I am a strong person, but I could not share this way. Thank you.
I am so blown away by how many people are writing to say, “This was/is my life!” It breaks my heart to hear this. I’m so, so glad that you’re out of that horrible relationship and that you’ve met someone new who is taking proper care of you and your daughter. I honestly cannot imagine what that kind of love would be like.
I think you hit on a key word: “Confusion”. When this type of manipulation and abuse goes on (especially by a husband/father/trusted minister/family member) it leaves us with so much doubt, trust issues and confusion. We don’t even know what to think or who to take at their word anymore. And, that is part of the whole “plan” of the abuser — to keep us so confused that we think we’re crazy.
I’m glad this man you were married to is no longer in ministry, but I would bet my life on the fact that his abuse continues. 🙁
Based on my family’s experience, I think that the amount of pedophilia hasn’t changed, it has just become more acceptable to talk about and easier to find information with all the pedophile websites and locators. Most of my older family members were abused or abusers. But one didn’t talk about it. Ever. And there was no information or transparency. Now we are talking so now the back seat secret is in the open. And it seems like it is all around us when it always was there seething underneath the surface.
Lori, Thanks so much for being brave enough to say this! I get sick when I think of how many children have suffered through the years in silence with no place to go for help and how the smirking pedophiles have gotten away with their God-awful actions for far too long. It makes me want to take this ball and keep going until it snowballs into a big bang that MAKES our lawmakers take a look at this and begin taking action — hard action — against pedophiles and other sex offenders. Molesters have had it so easy for so long! When I look back on the actions of my ex-husband, I get sick. Almost fifty years of molesting (by his own admission) and he finally got caught (I think people will be shocked to hear how that happened!). And, he’s still bucking and kicking and saying he shouldn’t be in prison. The damage he’s done to so many children along the way sickens me — grieves me to the core of my soul!
I’m so thankful for the people who are speaking out — finally, they are understanding there is no shame in speaking out, and there is support. Thanks so much for your comment and for your help in being such a strong advocate!!!
I cannot believe I found this blog. We found out 4 1/2 years ago that our daughter (now 27) was molested by my dad when she was younger. It took her over 10 years to share this with us, and at first my husband didn’t believe her. (Oh, I know your dad. He would never do something like that!) Sound familiar? The more I read your story, the more I see signs that my dad, who was also a preacher at the time and has served as an elder and deacon at many churches, and led countless Bible studies, and was a missionary for a few years, is a pedophile. Everyone LOVES my dad. He is fun, funny, engaging, just a friendly, good guy. When I confronted him about what my daughter had told me, he turned it around and made it sound like she was the one with a problem, and that he was trying to help her get past her control issues. That’s all he was doing. Just trying to help her! And then he had the nerve to ask me what I thought we could do to get her some help.
After our daughter told us what he had done, I called my sister to ask her if he had ever touched her inappropriately. My sister and daughter have very similar personalities…withdrawn, suspicious, quiet, unassuming…just the type of people who are perfect for pedophiles. She was shocked that I would even ask her that question and we talked for over an hour, with her giving me suggestions of how I could approach the subject with him.
It took me about 2 weeks to work up the nerve to call him. (We were living overseas at the time and weren’t scheduled to make a trip to the US for 6 months. I didn’t want to wait that long to talk to him about it.) When I called him, a godly friend had suggested that I just ask him to listen and hear me out, then pray about what I had said, and call me back when he was ready to talk. Well, when I started the conversation with “Dad, I have something hard to talk about, but I need to know…” Amazingly, Dad, who was 71 at the time, remembered clearly all that I was talking about and had no problem explaining to me how things had ‘really’ happened all those years ago.
I found out later that my sister had called my parents and told them that I had gone crazy and that I was accusing my dad of molesting my daughter. (Thanks, sister!) So, my dad had plenty of time to get his story ready, and he did a really good job of convincing me that my daughter had the problem, not him! 🙁
Anyway, there is much, much more to my story, but you get the idea. I have been made to feel like it is me and my daughter who have a problem, not my dad. I won’t let my parents spend the night at our house. We have 2 small children adopted from overseas and there is no way I want to go through this again! My husband thinks I should just ‘get over it’ and let our lives get ‘back to normal’. REALLY????? :O What is normal? I don’t know anymore! I am in so much pain. My sister won’t talk to me anymore. I haven’t told my brothers of their families what happened, but I’m pretty sure my parents have told them that our daughter her grandpa of things that never happened. We don’t visit any of them anymore, and none of them call us, except for my parents, who act like everything is fine.
I am done pretending and I refuse to spend time at their house. I even have a hard time calling them because I am so very tired of pretending that everything is okay, when it isn’t okay at all!
Recently my parents wanted to come visit and I asked them not to stay with us. My mom was shocked and said that she thought we were past all of that. I asked her how she thought we had gotten past anything. Nothing has changed!
I know that the Lord can take what was meant for bad or evil and turn it to good. I know his ways are higher than our ways. I know all of that! But it still hurts soooooooooo much! My children (ages 8 and 11) ask sometimes when we will see their grandparents. I don’t know what to tell them. I think my husband is finally starting to realize that I am through with all of the pretending games and that I won’t go stay with my parents when we go visit. They live a few states away from us.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to see what you have been through. My daughter has been diagnosed with asperger’s syndrome, ADD, social disorder, and other things, as an adult. I believe that all of her issues stem back to being molested and not knowing how to deal with any of it. And I ache for her. She won’t talk about it and I don’t know how to help her and it hurts so much! She was such a ‘normal’ little girl, but she has become withdrawn and can hardly stand being around people anymore and she can’t stand to be touched.
I’m so glad you’ve found this blog and hope that you will continue along in my storing of my almost forty years of being married to a practicing pedophile without knowing it. Hiding behind the mask of “religion” has been on of the pedophile’s greatest escapes. NOBODY wants to believe it of such “wonderful, God-fearing men”! I cannot tell you how many people have emailed me about the preacher/pedophile connection. It’s frightening, and I’m so glad for a way to expose this to people so that they can have their eyes opened! I’m not saying that every preacher is a pedophile, but I am saying that pedophiles have used churches as a means of getting to children without being questioned, and it just sickens me.
I’m so very sorry about your daughter, and so blown away once more by the response of other family members wanting to either ignore the facts or sweep them under the rug. I want to stand up and scream sometimes and say, “What about the child that was molested and has to live with this horrible pain?!?!?!?” But, often that falls on deaf ears.
You’ve made a right decision — keep your children/grandchildren away from this man. As for what explanation you give to them — as they ask questions, give them age appropriate answers. Follow your heart. The molester is counting on you to get filled with guilt, become worn down from being hurt, and he knows that. Keep in mind they (pedophiles) are master manipulators, and they feel no real remorse over their actions.
My ex-husband who is sitting in prison serving a 30 year sentence without parole continues to write letters saying, “I don’t think this is fair. I don’t know what I did that was so wrong.” You have no idea how glad I am that he is in prison. If he wasn’t he would be molesting children until he draws his last breath. He just doesn’t see anything “that wrong” and in the meantime he’s left behind a mass trail of destruction to so many precious children!
I’m so sorry for all of the problems your daughter is experiencing. And, I have no doubt they are related to her abuse. There are good therapists out there, but you have to work hard to find those who specialize in this particular field. You are a wise mother, a strong mother, and a mother who has your priorities straight. May God guide you and direct you to a therapist who will help your daughter begin to heal. Focus on that and not the molester. He’s not going to change!
Wow!! What a horrible story. 🙁 We are calledto forgive, yes, but that doesn’t mean putting your children, whom you are responsible to God for, in vulnerable situations. The book Boundaries (Townsend and Cloud, I think) may be really helpful for you. My dad molested my half sister, his step daughter. He doesn’t know that my younger sisters and I know. We NEVER allow him to be alone with any of his grandchildren. I look at it as though I am not just protecting children, but, if he really loves Jesus, and even of he doesn’t, it’s my duty to NOT put him in a situation of temptation! Putting the blame on others and not accepting responsibility
…is part of their classic manipulation tactic. Don’t buy it. It’s so hard when it’s your own father, isn’t it?
I have a friend with an Asperger son. The good news is that your father did not give it to her. It is a form of autism and she would have had it anyway. The bad news is that, on a good day, Aspergers don’t really like to be touched and that is the people who have never been molested. A molested Asperger would have a far worse experience than a normal child. You really need to get into an Asperger support group. They are usually incapable of processing bad situations like a normal person. You need to know what constitutes normal for an Asperger.