Thank you for visiting this blog once again and for sharing it with so many others. If you happen to be new here, I would strongly encourage you to start reading from the beginning of this blog on how to protect our children from practicing pedophiles. The blog entries are short, but I can’t promise you that they are easy reading because they are not. You will become uncomfortable. You will begin to question others and their motives. And, if you have been abused, hopefully there will be something you read that will help you to become empowered!
Let’s pick up where we left off the last time in this ongoing unraveling of my story about what it was like to be married to a man who molested children the entire time he and I were married. If only I had known what “red flags” to look for I could have saved children from falling into the trap of this man who used his cunning, divisive ways to lure adults and children alike into his web of lies, deceit, and abuse.
John was now a full-time preacher and for the most part he was adored by his church members — both young and old alike. He had a way of coddling the elderly into liking him immediately. He was soft-spoken, respectful, and always helpful. Let me add he was funny, too. It seems he always had a great story to tell that would get even the crankiest old person smiling.
And, we know he was a hit with kids of all ages. They clung to him — craving his attention. He was the kind of preacher they wanted and loved. He spoke just enough truth to say he was preaching, but he always added humor or some “twist” to what he was saying that left you scratching your head wondering what he just said. Kids loved it. He’d often call kids up on stage and have “bible hour” with the kids — telling them an animated bible story, then having them belt out “Jesus Loves Me” for their parents. Even the most shy children would go to John and do whatever he asked. Parents glowed when their child was up on stage. We all love to see our children excelling — especially when the word “God” is attached. It makes us feel like we’re doing our job as parents — instilling faith in our children from little up.
John had another side to him, though, that he was unveiling slowly. That side was the part of him that did off-the-wall things in church that nobody expected. Throwing a glass of water into the audience to “wake up the sleepers.” Stomping on a bible that he had thrown to the floor exclaiming, “This isn’t the word of God! The word of God lives in your heart — not on the pages in this book!” He even lit a firecracker once and threw it into the audience to prove a point in his sermon! I cringe every time I think of him doing these outlandish things!
People were shocked! I was both shocked and horribly embarrassed. I never knew what surprise a Sunday sermon would bring and it had me on edge all of the time. The weird thing to me was the fact that nobody got too worked up about it, though. And, if they did, he just became the “nice John” and knew just how to smooth things over.
On a particular Saturday in late September, John announced to me that he was going to do some clean-up outside of the parsonage. There wasn’t any yard to speak of — just a big wrap-around porch, so I asked him what he was going to do. There were no leaves to rake, so I couldn’t imagine what yard work he had to do.
“Oh, you’ll see. I’m getting rid of that God-awful ugly ivy that’s growing all over this church building. It’s going to be totally gone by the end of the day!”
Immediately I got really nervous about that. We didn’t own that church building and I didn’t feel we had the right to do any “renovations or changes” without asking the men of the church. John firmly disagreed. “I told you the ivy is going. I can’t wait to see the faces on everyone when they come to church tomorrow.”
I was sick. Should I call someone? I knew he should ask! But, no. I did as I always did and just kept my mouth shut. I went into hiding with the kids for the day. I wanted no parts of this. I hated conflict of any kind and John knew that I’d avoid it all costs.
This ivy happened to be imported ivy from England that had been brought here by the former minister who had preached in that church for forty-nine years. His children loved that building which had also been their home, and they loved their dad and the rich history that everything there represented — including that climbing ivy.
I knew they were going to be irate about John cutting down the ivy! In my mind, though, I pictured him getting tired after an hour and giving up on the job. That ivy climbed all the way up to the flat-roof of the third floor. It covered the walls. It was thick and was rooted to the side of the building. There was no way John could do much damage, so my stomach began to ease some as I went about the rest of the day with the kids.
About 4:00 in the afternoon I smelled smoke. I looked outside and about passed out! John had built a big “ivy brush fire” right on the side of the steps leading into the main auditorium of the church. I could not believe what I saw! Flames were shooting 20 feet high! He had been busy all day with a tall extension ladder chopping, cutting, and pulling those ivy vines until he had every last vine ripped from the building. And, now…..he had set a fire that was one of the biggest I had ever seen!
My heart was racing! What if the building caught on fire? We didn’t have a permit to burn so we were breaking the law! Neighbors came running outside to see what was happening. And, as I glanced at John he was leaning on a hoe with an almost evil smirk on his face as if to say, “Mission accomplished. The ivy is gone.”
The fire burned down after throwing a few bucketfuls of water on it, and it continued to smolder all night long. I was a nervous wreck anticipating what the morning would be like when people arrived at church. John on the other hand was calm and reassuring.
“They’ll be happy I did that. That ugly ivy had to go. It was an eye sore. Besides, it will be funny to see their faces when they drive up and see all of the ivy gone!”
I can assure you it wasn’t funny. People were angry. They were HOT! That ivy had been growing for years and years and had been a cherished part of the architecture. And, now it was all gone.
Do you think this bothered John? Not at all! He laughed and made jokes about it from the pulpit. He told funny stories about dangling off of the ladder as he reached out to yank the last of the ivy down. And, you guessed it. For the most part, everyone was just fine by the time they left that morning except for a few of the family members whose dad had brought that ivy to the church building. They were hurt and angered.
But, you know what? John did it again.
John used his power of control and manipulation and it worked! At the end of Sunday, he laughed as he went to sleep. “That’s the end of the ivy. You won’t see that ugly stuff around here any more.” And, off to bed he went feeling very successful!
Please listen carefully: Do you see what John was doing? This was another one of his tests. How far could he go? Obviously, he meant to cause disruption and pain. He knew what he was doing, and he worked very hard to do it. But, he felt a thrill — a “rush” when nobody challenged him. He had nearly caused a church fire. He had destroyed something very valuable. He had also taken away a keepsake from seven children. (They later stated they would have liked to had at least “some” of the ivy from their dad to grow at their own homes.) John had controlled everyone!
This should have been another red flag to me, but at the time his behavior didn’t mean anything more than him just being weird. It’s much more than that, though. He was “proving” that he was in control. He was in charge. He could control an entire group of people! Oh, how this must have thrilled him! His actions were deliberate and well thought out. He knew what he was doing, and he also was willing to take the risk that he would not receive any repercussions from his actions. And, he was right. John knew the people he was controlling! He read them (including me) like a book!
Listen to the words of Anna Salter from her book, “Predators, Rapists, And Other Sex Offenders” : “What is particularly sobering is just how many crimes psychopath child molesters commit. They are truly a formidable group of criminals. They start young, commit high numbers of crimes with little to no remorse, and don’t seem bothered by being caught or imprisoned.”
Pedophiles are charming and will work very hard to control and manipulate (groom) adults and children alike! This is the first and most important step in the process of gaining access to our children!
Do you know someone with odd behavior like this? Controlling? Manipulative? Hurtful on purpose but doesn’t care? Can charm his way out of a bad situation? Equally controlling of adults and children? Are you in such a situation? Flee! Remove yourself and your children as fast as you can because you will most assuredly get trapped and be hurt!
Pedophiles are smart. They are cunning. They are liars. They are incapable of feeling true remorse for their hurtful actions. They come off as charming and will make you think you’re the crazy one for doubting their actions!
Read the above cycle of abuse. Does it resonate with you? I get sick just reading it. Physically ill. I was always, always walking on egg shells worried what John would do next to try to upset people. I never knew what he was going to do to upset me. And, then he would turn the table and make me think that nothing had happened. I honestly thought time and time again that I was going crazy. That’s part of the control and emotional abuse. Do you see how it works in the life of a pedophile? If he got me AND the church to a point of being controlled by him, then he would have free access to the children — no questions asked.
John was setting the stage, and sadly you will see that as more of this story unfolds. Sadder yet is that my story isn’t the only one like this. Countless others understand what I’m talking about. Emotional abuse almost always precedes physical abuse. Emotional abuse is the power that paralyzes a person from taking action. Emotional abuse creates self-doubt and strips a person of self-worth. Emotional abuse causes a dependency on the abuser. Emotional abuse is frightening and it plays games in your mind. Emotional abuse is a terribly complex action and it harms so many innocent people. Emotional abuse is intentional and the abuser feels no remorse.
Please, for the sake of the children, let’s open our eyes and get smart! Do you see “odd behavior” going on right before you? Do you see someone who is stepping beyond his/her boundaries with your child right in your church, your daycare, your school or your home? Do you feel uncomfortable talking to this person — afraid you will hurt their feelings for calling them out? Do you see odd behavior in your children — withdrawn, depressed, no self-esteem? Perhaps they are victims of abuse!!!
Please let’s wake up! We must learn the indicators of abuse! Speak up. Speak out! Question! Face the person head on. Don’t allow this to continue any more. Pedophiles are everywhere and they begin their “work” by first controlling the adults and then they get to our children!
It’s time to stop these horrible actions! The time is now! For the sake of our children, please learn from my ignorance! Let’s keep our children safe by making it impossible for these molesters to get to our children. Let’s stop them in their tracks — now!
Thanks so much for following along and for spreading the word. Next time, we will pick up this story with “the office on wheels.” I think you’ll be shocked what was discovered!
Love,
Clara
Just very sad….didn’t even have a reason to destroy the ivy. I can’t see a single reason. And even sadder that a whole congregation of people allowed the children of a good man to be hurt.
You have a powerful story to tell, please keep telling your life story.
And a question, did the adult children of the previous pastor, who imported the ivy, continue to stay in this church as long as your husband was the minister?
I am learning oceans full of valuable insights from your blogs.
Linda, Yes. They did stay in the church and they adored John. That’s how “good” he was at manipulation. To this day, there is one of the children who says, “Poor John. I can’t believe he’s in prison. After all the good he did for all of those years, it just breaks my heart.” To me, this is one of the saddest things of all — to know that even with 100% proof of him molesting many, many children, getting a 30 year prison sentence, there are still “followers” of his, and among them are some of these very ones that he hurt so badly. This is just how abuse works. 🙁
I was wondering if I might ask a question. There is a person that I “wonder about” and one of the things that strikes me as odd, to the point of being disturbing, is that he often “appears” to become emotional, as if he is particularly moved by something or some situation that isn’t personal to him and that you wouldn’t typically expect to elicit that sort of an emotional reaction. I say “appears” because I have never seen any sign of actual tears and it just does not *feel* genuine. In fact, several times, I honestly felt like he was really trying to see if he could make *me* cry, and when he couldn’t, his emotion was gone as fast as it came. Other times, he appears to get choked up while speaking publicly, and again, for whatever reason, it just *feels* like it isn’t genuine, like it’s just for show. Then, in situations where I would expect to see real compassion, especially from such an emotional person that is so easily choked up, he frequently seems quite cold. Does any of this sound familiar? (Please forgive me if I am derailing your posts. The “wondering” is a difficult place to be, and any feedback you have would be most appreciated.)
Carla, I’m always happy when people ask questions. You’re on to something. It might not be a “molester”, but there is definitely abuse and manipulation involved. In weeks to come, I’ll share some things about John that fit almost to the “T” what you’re describing. It was embarrassing for me to see John “weepy” about some of the most strange things — really get all choked up about it, when this same man could commit terrible acts of cruelty and watch the same on a movie and never blink an eye. The polar opposite emotions always had me questioning him. For instance (and this will be a separate blog), John could get all emotional while preaching about Noah and the flood and all of the people and animals that innocently died. This same man went outside to the rabbit cages one day (our kids had pet rabbits) and decided to kill them — by hitting them on the head with a hammer– and then he skinned them and ate them. I knew — absolutely — knew at this point in our lives that something was very, very wrong and something inside of me shut down that day. I had a fear of him. And, to this day, I believe with all of my heart that John committed other crimes along with molesting children. Keep your eyes and ears open and continue looking for those red flags. You’ll begin fitting the pieces together!!!
Thank you so much, Clara. Your response is so incredibly helpful. I wish that I could say that I recognized this behavior as more than just socially awkward at the time, but of course, I did not. I’m so glad that you mentioned his behavior with animals as well. It always bothered me that this man actually taunted my dog while he was locked up in a cage to prevent him from being bitten. It also bothered me that this man encouraged my son to chase and shoot ducks with a water gun. While that’s a far cry from killing someone’s pet, looking back now, I have to wonder if these were intended to be “tests”. But in reality, while these things bothered me to some extent, I still dismissed them simply as strange behavior from someone who was socially awkward because he had never been married. There were other things that happened that were mildly disturbing as well. But, it wasn’t until he tried to go around my boundaries and use one of my family members to gain access to my son that the major alarm bells went off and I refused to allow him any further access to my son. Needless to say, that did not go over well at all. I’m sure you can pretty much guess what happened. There are definitely some people (church leaders, in fact) who think I’m seriously paranoid and have told me as much. And I can tell you, it would be so easy to allow them to talk me into believing it’s just me that’s “crazy”- or at least “overreacting” if it weren’t for people like you who are willing to share the things that you do. Honestly, Clara, I can’t thank you enough for that. There is still no “proof” that this man has ever committed any crime, which leaves me in that very uncomfortable position of “wondering”. But the things that you have shared remind me to stand firm in my position and not to be swayed by or give in to those who think I am just paranoid. Your diagram also reminds me to be vigilant. While I sincerely *hope* that this situation is over permanently, I fear that we might just be in the “calm” stage as I have recently been reminded that he has been “behaving well.”
May God bless you, Clara, for your candor and your encouragement.
As I have been reading, I keep asking myself would I have been smart enough to protect my children??? Clara lived with this man for 40 years and didn’t know he was a pedophile. Would I have been smart enough to protect my child??? Set aside from the giving a child a bath story, I don’t know if I would of protected my child from this man. I would of frowned on the fake stripping game, but I still don’t know if I would have caught on to his antics. I like to believe I would have. One of the things I am trying to teach my younger children is this: “If someone gives you the willies, if something inside you scares you about someone, if anything seems a little off about someone. YOU leave, call me, run away….whatever you need to do, but LISTEN to that inner voice. I really don’t know if I would be smart enough to see the red flags…..I hate to think that everyone who is eccentric is a pedophile….
Donna, You’ve brought out so many important points! First and foremost — the molester is counting on us NOT being smart enough to see the red flags. The molester is counting on us to just think what they do is a little “odd”, but their nice behavior far outweighs the odd stuff (who isn’t a little bit odd?) and so they have you right where they want you — wondering but not really sure.
Right now I don’t trust anyone until I have very, very good reason to believe otherwise. Guilty until proven innocent when I see any red flags at all. I’ve learned my lesson all too well! And, you’re “right on” about teaching your children to listen to that inner voice — it’s usally right!
That abuse cycle is the real deal. I am printing that off to have handy! Thanks for sharing it. I see things as they happened so much clearer now.
Les, Isn’t it amazing how clear things are “now” as opposed to “then”? When the abuse is occuring, it’s so hard to see it. That’s why it’s so important to educate others now so that their eyes will be opened! Please use that abuse cycle to help educate others!!! Abuse is so sneaky and tricky. 🙁
As I read your posts about the church, I keep wondering: Over the years, were there people who saw “red flags”, or who felt uncomfortable, and left without saying anything?
Ashley, Most definitely. But, it’s that old thing that is still common today. “Try to prove anything.” Even though the behavior was “odd” and at times made people feel “very uncomfortable” that was where it ended. And, so people would leave and go other places to church. Eventually, he was asked not to ever go back to church camp (as a counselor) because his behavior was so horrible (I’ll go over that in a separate blog post), but still…that didn’t really bother him, and he just said they were the weird ones who didn’t know how to have any fun.
When John was arrested, there were several people who came out of hiding so-to-speak and said, “You know, I never really liked him.” But……..for the most part, people did like him — red flags and all. That’s a true abuser!
Agreed. It would be so difficult for someone with a suspicion – and most could be explained away – without any proof, to suggest something so serious about a pastor who was so well-liked!
I vaguely remember someone at school once saying in passing that she wasn’t allowed to go to _[one of your children]_’s house because her mom didn’t like ______’s dad. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, other than thinking it seemed a little strange, but now I wonder what that mom had noticed that so few others did. Probably anyone who had a doubt or question about John like that would have been quickly dismissed by all of the friends he had gathered around himself. I want to be like that mom, setting boundaries and saying “Not with MY kids!”, even though I’m sure it will not be easy and many people will think I’m overreacting. Reading your and Jim’s blogs has been a real eye-opener, and you are making a difference! Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank YOU for your comments! There were two girls who were friends of my daughters and it was so strange (to me) that they could come to visit, but they were never allowed to stay overnight. This was their father who made that rule. I have no idea what he saw or possibly heard from someone else, and I’ve always wondered what that might have been. He has moved away and I don’t have any idea where he now lives, but I sure would like to have a conversation with him and ask him “why.” What did he know that I didn’t know and why didn’t he talk to me about it. (Although I’m sure I never would have believed him because John would have lied his way out of anything!)
It is always my hope and prayer that eyes will be opened and that parents will become much more aware of “those odd feelings” that just don’t seem right. A favorite saying of mine is, “If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t!” Again, thanks so much for your comment.