Every time Halloween rolls around, my thoughts go back to a special church service that took place in October about eleven years into my marriage. I can truly say it’s one that I will never forget, nor will anyone that was sitting in the audience ever forget. There are certain things that are burned into a person’s mind, and this is one of them.
Before I go further into the story, let me take this time to thank you for being here. Thanks for reading, for following along, and for “getting it” about the seriousness of emotional and sexual abuse, child molestation, and how important it is to provide a means for those who have been used and abused to find a healing place. If you are new to this blog, I strongly suggest that you begin here, and read each blog in chronological order because there is a progression from manipulation to molestation that is so important for you to understand.
Okay, back to this story. By now, John and I were married for about eleven years and he was well into the groove of preaching and being an insurance salesman. The church members loved him, and part of what they loved about his preaching were the “surprises” that he would bring to the pulpit just about every week. I used to cringe in my seat never knowing quite what to expect, always fearing that people would get furious with him for some of the antics that he pulled. But, the strange thing is he could get away with just about anything and still be in the good graces of the church members.
John was one who went from extreme to extreme. One year he’d preach on the damnation of celebrating Christmas. He said it was a pagan holiday and nobody knew when the birth of Christ really was, and he’d ramble on and on about how horrible it was to use the word “Christmas” at all. The next year, he would be handing out candy gifts to all of the kids at church and would be “a jolly old Santa” sporting a Christmas tie. I could never figure him out — ever!
Halloween was one holiday, though, that he really stood firm on — this was a satanic holiday and NOBODY who wore the name Christian should ever celebrate this day. I know this is a controversial issue among Christians, so I’m not going to go over the book, chapter, and verse of Halloween vs. non-Halloween in this blog. I’ll just say that I grew up in a family where we were of Christian belief and we did have fun trick-or-treating. I didn’t know of any satanic references until hearing them from John so we were worlds apart on this issue. But, I was not in a position of going against him. John knew that I would go along with whatever he said. By now, my brain had gone to mush. I gave up trying to think for myself, as is the case for those suffering emotional control and abuse.
This particular year was different, though. For some reason, John was all into Halloween. He bought party books on how to host a fun party. In fact, we hosted the party at our home. We had bobbing for apples. Pumpkin carving. Prizes for the best costumes. And, he even planned a maze in our corn field. Of course, he was the one hiding in the cornstalks with the chain saw that he revved up every time people passed by.
He made no sense to me. Oh, well. I enjoyed the fun while it lasted because I knew that the next year might be totally different. I might have to explain to the kids once again why we weren’t allowed to say the word “Halloween” because it was equal to a swear word.
We had the best party ever, and pretty much the entire church attended except for a few of the older people.
John was giddy with excitement on Sunday morning, the day after the party. He said he had the best surprize ever! In his words, “I’m going to have people jumping out of their seats this morning!”
My heart began getting a sick feeling. I hated not knowing what trick he was going to pull out of his hat. Our church was an extremely conservative church of Christ , non-instrumental group. So, I feared what John had in mind.
As he began preaching on this particular Sunday, I could see that he was super excited. His hands were animated as he talked, and he was using bible illustrations to drive home some really good points. Right at the end of the sermon I noticed a change in him. He had a look — that look he got where he pursed his lips and he squinted his eyes — beady-like.
He was preaching — reading from the bible — when he reached down for what I thought was the usual glass of water he kept on the shelf beneath the pulpit. But, his head stayed down too long. I knew something was going to happen, and I knew it wasn’t going to be good!
Lo and behold, when he stood up, he let out a loud “WAKE UP YOU SLEEPERS! PAY ATTENTION! THIS IS GOD’S HOUSE — NOT YOUR PLACE TO TAKE A NAP!”
He had on a monster mask — a frightful mask, and he was screaming! With one fell swoop, he struck a match and threw a string of lit firecrackers into the audience!
People screamed! Some thought there were gun shots! Others clutched their chests. Babies cried. It was horrible! Absolutely horrible! And, John stood there calmly, very slowly taking off the mask, and went right on without skipping a beat to offer the hymn of invitation to those who wanted to dedicate their lives to Christ by being baptized.
Shock! Total shock! That’s what this was. But, you know what was the most shocking thing of all? John walked away that morning a hero in the eyes of most people. He was daring. He was funny. He was interesting. He did things nobody else had ever dreamed of doing. He used illustrations that they’d never forget. He was a hero!
And, all the while he was continuing to lay out his master plan of manipulation. Can you see it? Do you understand how this all works? One year it was “no Halloween” because it was evil. The next year the same preacher throws a party, and suddenly Halloween is good and fun. He even puts on a mask in the pulpit and scares the living daylights out of everyone and goes so far as to light a firecracker (dangerous, to say the least) and throw it into the audience!
Nobody ever called him out on this — ever! The kids in church thought he was the coolest preacher ever. Nobody else’s preacher ever did stuff like this. He was once again the charmed minister that everybody loved!
You might be asking what in the world this Halloween monster church episode has to do with pedophilia and child molestation. Please listen, and listen very carefully. Keep in mind that by John’s own admission to the authorities when he was arrested, he was molesting children by the time he was fourteen. He knew how to manipulate, groom, control, gain trust, and then work his way to doing the unimaginable — molesting a child without ever being suspected of committing such a crime. Why?
Read the paragraph below as quoted from NotWithMyChild.org under the description of how to spot a child predator:
~ A person who refuses to honor boundaries set by you or by society in general
These are all signs of grooming that child predators will use on you, your family, and on entire communities. There is no way to know for sure if someone is a child molester until they have violated a child. Therefore, you cannot accuse someone based on this information. Instead, you can use this as a tool to screen out high risk people, and to keep them away from your children.
Child predators are smart. They work long and hard to gain your trust. They are charming. They are fun. Kids love them because they are funny and kind and helpful, and make them feel special! John’s mask stunt was hilarious to the kids at church. He was able to control not just his wife (me), but the entire church — old, conservative church goers adored him. Why? Because John was in control!
Do you know someone with characteristic traits like this? Are you living with a heaven/hell type person? One minute something is okay, the next minute it’s the biggest sin in the world? Do you feel like you are going crazy? Do you feel like you’re constantly on edge wondering what this person is going to do? Do you feel trapped — like you want to get away, but you know that you can’t because you no longer have control over yourself? Do you see a charmer, but you know deep inside that there is something very wrong? These are just a few tell-tale signs of an abusive person, and they just might be the very real “red flags” of a person who is planning to molest your child!
Who are child molesters? I’ll say it again and again and again. They are the person you’d least suspect. The child molester is the fun person. The one who is liked by so many people. The charmer. The one who loves to entertain kids and make them laugh. The one parents love and trust. The Sunday school teacher. The beloved best friend of the family. The coach that spends extra time with your child. The neighbor who offers to babysit for free.
In my case, the molester was my husband and I never knew it.
Please stay alert. Please pay attention to the “odd” things that just don’t seem to add up. Please don’t allow your children to be alone with an adult without your supervision. If your child tells you about being touched, grabbed, shown pornography, or made to touch an adult’s private parts, please don’t shut that child out. Listen and believe your child! Take action today! Get safety plans in place for your church, daycare, and yes, even your home! For the sake of the children, let’s continue to get educated and take this very seriously. Child abuse hurts. And, sometimes the hurt is forever!
Love,
Clara
PS Thank you for continuing to share this blog with anyone and everyone you know that is interested in keeping their children safe from practicing pedophiles and other molesters.
How do you sort out normal behavior from odd? My kids’ grandpa molested his daughter years ago, and naturally wants to be with his grandkids. He really doesn’t seem like your husband in temperament (he is a minister though). How can I know if he has the profile of a molester, that would hurt other kids, since he is family and I’d view him differently than I’d view a non-family member?
I wish it was all that simple — sorting out the normal behavior from the odd. But, it’s not. To others, my husband was a charmer — a wonderful man full of love and compassion. Since this man molested his daughter years ago (not good as there is no true data stating how many molesters “never do it again”), a good rule of thumb to follow is this: Keep your children under surveillance at all times when with their grandpa if you choose to allow them to have a relationship with him. I would use extreme caution at all times and never let your guard down. If he is a good man, he will welcome the fact that you are being cautious and he will insist that someone is with him at all times. Truly, that is the only way I’d allow visitation.
Thank you so much. That was a helpful answer. Even before he knew that we had learned of the abuse, (and I didn’t want our kids alone), he was very insistent that the kids be with them alone, and was upset that I didn’t allow that. Sadly, what you said about all that is right. 🙁
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.
I want to thank you for writing all this out. We have 3 young children and I find it so helpful to read your posts. It has been very thought-provoking and caused my husband and I to discuss this and come up with some protection measures for our children. I keep thinking of the one time as a young child when my sister and I were playing with other slightly-older girls in a basement (while the parents visited upstairs!) and those girls made us pull our pants down. Nothing happened, but that one event is itched in my brain, and I never dared tell my parents until recently (25yrs later!!). Why?! I want my children to feel they can talk to us about things, and it’s been thought-provoking to figure out how to do that. Your posts have been so helpful in not being so ignorant. There’s one friendship we’ve slowly backed up from due to your posts, as well as (as silly as it sounds) one ebook on the ipad our boys loved that suddenly sounded so much like the grooming process after reading your posts! We quickly deleted that one. Thank you for sharing, for challenging us, opening our eyes, and helping us protect our children. God bless you!!
Anne, Thank you so much for your comment! You will NEVER regret being active about safeguarding your children. And, the best thing you can ever do is to always, always stress to your children that they can come talk to you about anything — absolutely anything at all. By the way, it doesn’t sound silly at all about the ebook. Molesters are brilliant in how they do their grooming. It’s much better to be safe than sorry!
I have learned so much as I have been reading your post. I was so naive before and didn’t even know it! Thanks for being brave enough to share this! My husband and I have not been and do not have any experience with those who were sexually abused as a child. However, we have now set some boundaries in place with our 4 kiddos to protect them. One being…NO sleepovers at someones house. Period. We homeschool, but we are also looking into the bathroom process at church. THANK YOU!
Maybe you just haven’t gotten there yet, but it seems like you husband never abused his own children? Is this true? Was he able to someone love them and see them as innocent children but not other children? This has just been confusing to me as I read your story.
Brit, You have no idea how happy this makes me to see you and your husband taking the seriousness and the gravity of all of this to heart. So many think, “Oh, that is exaggerated.” Or, “That stuff only happens every now and then.” Or, “That would never happen to my children — never!” But, child molestation has been going on secretly forever, and finally many who have been abused are becomeing empowered enough to say, “No more! We’re going to speak up and speak out and be a voice so that this doesn’t continue to happen!”
The “No sleepover policy” is an excellent one for putting safe boudaries in place, as is the bathroom policy in churches, daycares, camps, etc. So many little ones have been abused in such places and the impact on these children is devastating — sometimes for a lifetime!
As far as talking specifics about who my ex-husband molested, when I began writing I made a very clear promise to myself that I would never disclose specifics as there are many local children who were harmed by him. To even hint at names would be another tragedy for the children who were victimized, so I will not answer any questions about specifics on “who” these children were. I will say, though, that molesters choose their victims very carefully — they groom for long periods of time so that they are absolutely certain these children are ones who either will not tell or will not be believed. I will have many blog posts written on “how” John chose his victims. And, when the police investigated, in their words, “He is a true molester. He was intentional with his actions.” In other words, he knew just what he was doing. And, that breaks my heart.
Clara, you mentioned a “bathroom policy”. I am very interested to hear more about that if you wouldn’t mind. My own brother was molested in a church bathroom when he was around 9 years old. And this was a very small church where we knew and trusted everyone. In his case, the molester was a 17 year-old teen.
Now I am a single parent with a son close to that age — too old to take into the women’s restroom, but too young to defend himself in a situation like that. In addition, there is a man there who attends regularly who showed up with a group of men at the children’s Halloween party that was held at the church, none of whom appeared to me to have any valid reason to be there. As far as I know, none of them were related to any of the children that were there. Nor were they *helping* with it (thankfully). Anyway, while I was sitting close by, he told his group of friends how much he wished he had a camera so he could take pictures of all the kids and hang them up in his room. It still gives me chills up my spine to recall it. This is only one of several men there who make me very uncomfortable. I think those in charge of the children’s ministry might be very open to some type of bathroom safety policy that helps protect children. But I do not recall ever hearing of anything like that. Could you possibly provide some details about this that I could share with those in charge?
Thank you in advance for all your efforts to educate people on this subject.
Carla, There are so few policies in force right now that it’s very sad. Yes, I will get you some information and post it, hopefully later on this evening or tomorrow. What you’ve mentioend about your brother being molested in a church bathroom is more common than we’d ever think. Churches are taught to be trusting, forgiving, and to take in strangers. What we’re not taught about is how to protect our children.
Beware of anyone taking pictures of little children so that they can “hang the pictures up on their wall.” That’s a HUGE red flag if ever I’ve seen/heard one!!!
I’ll get back to you on this policy information soon. Thanks so much for your diligence!
Clara, at what point do you begin to recognize the difference between being dramatic vs using the drama to negative influence and control ? I can see how it would be tough to identify with surety.
Joel, I think this is a great question and really a tricky one. There are a lot of people who use drama to drive home a point, to be the center of attention, or maybe it’s just their make-up to be a bit on the dramatic side. In the instance of pedophiles who are in the grooming/manipulating process, the drama is MORE than drama, and if you step back and watch it begins to click. The “different” drama is used to create a “shock” of sorts, and then observe the reactions of others. While watching, there is planning going on. The molester is banking on knowing the victims (of either emotional or sexual abuse) well enough that they won’t turn against him, won’t call him out, won’t walk away. He has them in his hand — in full control. When I think about how smart John was, it’s almost frightening. He studied books on reading body language (he told me that was for his insurance sales, and there’s no doubt it did help him sell). Plus, I have to keep going back to “follow your gut feelings.” If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t right. Too often we just back away and say, “he’s weird.” When, in fact, the “weirdness” is a clue and we’re just not seeing it as such.
Most definitely this is not easy to identify and that’s one more reason why molesters get away with molesting children. How can we see the signs when it’s all so confusing? And, one more reason why we need to be on the lookout at all times!
The odd? Yep. So important to recognize…
Les, Don’t you think we all fall into this trap of being too afraid to question “the odd”, though? We’re so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings that we allow “the odd” to go on, even when our gut feelings tell us something is insanely wrong.
I am very good at reading people. Not sure if it’s from the years of abuse that I suffered in my own home or a God given blessing but I believe in following my gut and confronting the odd. I would rather speak up and be wrong a million times than to be right once and not have saved a child or person.
Kerri, You’re so very right about speaking up and possibly being wrong than to keep quiet and putting a child at risk. How much I wish that I had known the red flags associated with abuse. Thank God for people such as you who know how and when to confront the “odd” stuff, as well as having the courage to do so! I appreciate your comment so much!
Sometimes the odd behavior could be a suicide warning. If somebody starts saying they love you and give what is obviously personal gifts, that a suicide red flag. Saw that on tv.
I mean a sudden change. They weren’t doing this before.