Two years. It’s been two years now since the father of my children was sentenced to prison for the rest of his earthly life. He was sentenced just a couple of days before Father’s Day. And I’m left without words. What does a mother say to her children under circumstances like this? “Soon you’ll all feel better.” “Life will be back to normal before you know it.” “Just pretend everything’s okay.” Those words don’t fit — not at all!
What should I say? How do I help ease the pain that is stirring within the hearts of my children right now? They loved their dad so much! I’m sure beneath the surface of crushing pain, there is still love. He’s their father, but for now he’s their father who has been convicted of some of the worst offenses known to mankind. How do any of us balance loving a person with all of your heart when knowing that this person has committed actions that have caused terror, pain, fear, and mental anguish to so many? How do you love and respect a father who has harmed so many children?
Everywhere one turns there are reminders that Father’s Day is approaching. The stores are full of loving cards for fathers. Sermons will be preached on the blessing of godly fathers. Facebook will be full of letters and special quotes and sayings to fathers who are sorely missed and loved. Pictures will be posted of fathers. Family pictures will be taken with fathers. There will be weekend fishing trips with dads. Gifts bought. Restaurants will be filled to capacity with children and their fathers.
What do I suggest to my children to do on this Father’s Day? What do others in similar situations do? I have yet to find any kind of guide book. I can’t find any books or articles called “Ways for Children to Survive Father’s Day When Dad is a Child Molester.” I’ve looked on prison websites. I’ve searched high and low for help. If there’s something out there, I’d like to know so that I can help my children and others who are living this daily nightmare to know how to get through Father’s Day.
I haven’t slept well for several nights knowing Father’s Day is approaching. We always made a big celebration out of this special day. When the kids were young, I baked John a cake, cooked a special meal for him, and the kids showered him with hugs, cheers, and handmade cards and gifts.
When they got older, they took him out every Father’s Day morning to breakfast and enjoyed their special time with him. Such pride! Always, pride and respect for their father.
He was a great dad. He was also a child molester. How do you balance the two?
The answer is — I don’t know. I really don’t know. I wish I was wiser. I wish I would get hit with some lightening bolt of inspiration. I wish I could say, “This is how to do it. This is what you should do.” But, the truth is — I don’t know what to do that could possibly help my children.
And, so we will face this day with courage together. I will never be their father. I can’t be. But, I can be there for them on this Father’s Day — to talk to them if they feel like it. Or to listen to their silence if that’s what they prefer. But, I will be there. Standing off to the side, my heart aching, my lips praying, tears falling.
When someone tries to justify or feel pity in any way for what pedophiles do, I want you to remember the impact their actions have on so many people. Pedophiles bring pain into the lives of the children they have molested. They bring pain into the lives of their families who have innocently been pulled into this nightmare. They have brought pain into the lives of their community, their churches, and to all who knew and trusted them.
Please read this — a hundred times over if you have to. Pedophiles harm children. Pedophiles harm adults. Pedophiles bring pain and suffering into the lives of all they know. And, the pain often lasts a lifetime!
It’s time — it is time to do everything we can to put an end to this type of ongoing tragedy. It’s time we find ways to give help and encouragement to those who have fallen into the entrapment of pedophiles. It’s time to speak up and speak out!
God bless all children who have been impacted in some way by the actions of a pedophile this Father’s Day. Many hearts reach out to you in love.
One day it will get better. It has to!
Love,
Clara
Clara…you said, “One day it will get better. It has to.”
I don’t celebrate Father’s Day because my father was the town child molester. Family and members of the community knew it but did nothing so he never served one day in jail. It’s been over 53 years. It doesn’t get better, you just find ways to survive. I don’t honor my father…ever.
Angie,
I totally “get it” as to why you don’t celebrate Father’s Day. How could you possibly honor your father — ever? I’m finding out more and more how many offenders get away with their criminal acts — often getting public recognition as being such great public servants and great members of the community when others full well know of their criminal acts. It sickens me to hear this. Absolutely sickens me.
Father’s Day has always been and is still difficult for me. For years, I gave my father a card and called him and pretended to be the doting daughter. All of this was done out of years of conditioning with guilt from him. What I did, I did out of obligation…and guilt. Finally, I could no longer do it. I would go through the racks of cards, looking for an appropriate sentiment. None fit. So, I would go to the “Father’s Day for Anyone” section and try to find a generic one. Then I started sending humorous ones. Those were not received well. He would tell me that they weren’t much of card. He wanted the mushy, adoring ones. And didn’t stop short of directing me to send him what he wanted to hear.
Finally, in my 40’s, I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was a lie. I didn’t care if he was honored on Father’s Day. Only he felt he deserved it. I made the decision of No Contact. It has not been easy, but necessary. I also struggle with the issue of forgiveness. As a Christian, I know all the passages on forgiveness, etc. How do you know if you have truly forgiven someone who has hurt you and your family so much? Logically, I think I have forgiven, but when I start remembering things, the rage boils up inside of me and I wonder if I have truly forgiven. I may never know the answer to that one.
But I wholeheartedly agree with another post here in that John was NOT a great father. Everything he did was for show. I don’t believe he has the capacity to love anyone but himself. Yes, he did fun things with your kids. But he liked being around kids. And he seemed to always encourage his kids to bring other kids around for these fun outings. When it suited his purposed, he would be involved. You said that he would go through periods where he barely spoke to, or interacted with the children. Then suddenly he was “fun” dad again. Kids don’t have the capacity to understand the nuances or question the motives of adults. They just know what they are feeling at the time. I can tell you that when my parents’ marriage was ending, my dad morphed into “fun” dad too. He felt everything slipping away and went into overdrive to be thought of and seen as a good father and husband. I remember as teen thinking he had really changed, and wow, this is great to have a real dad. Nothing about him was real. And nothing about John is real either. I agree that you, Clara, are the great parent. I’m sorry your kids believed their father’s lies and mistreated you for a time. They also were brainwashed. I hope you have a good relationship with your kids now and that they realize just who the good parent actually was and is.