Thank you so much to all of my readers and for the thousands who are now sharing this blog. You have no idea how much this means to me! God is using my brokenness to help others who are in the grip of an abusive relationship or who are being physically abused and molested to speak out and break free!!! I believe with all of my heart that together we are making a difference!
Last night I received a message from someone I have never met telling me that she would love to get the courage to speak up about her abuse. Her husband (who will not agree to divorcing her — talk about control!) continues to harass her and bully her children and unfortunately we do not have laws to help innocent victims such as these until something more horrible is done. And, even then, our laws are so weak that it’s difficult to prove abuse in a court of law. That, to me, has got to stop!
I encouraged this lady to write something — anything — and by writing it would dilute the power this man holds over her and give her some empowerment.
Through tears, I’m sharing with you that she got the courage to write a blog post. She said, “I have no followers. I must remain anonymous for fear of what he will do, but I was inspired to write this.”
I’m so proud of her for gaining a bit of strength. She’s gained just a wee bit of freedom. And, she did something!
Here is what she wrote with the link back to her site.
Clara Hinton – a modern day Heroine
“For the past few months I have been avidly following the blog of Clara Hinton – Married to a Pedophile. And although I have never met Clara in person, I am so in awe and inspired by her courage and spirit. She is also an amazing mother to eleven children – her son Chris, described her as a saint! She also has lots more grand children. Over the years, Clara suffered terrible psychological abuse at the hands of her preacher/pedophile husband, John. At the same time, he led a secret life which involved sexually abusing children in his parish (and community). Clara’s abuse lasted for around 40 years until she plucked up the courage to leave. Of course that was not the end of the story because controlling, abusive men never just let their wives walk away peacefully or seek a win: win compromise. They just can’t do it and it is really because they are sick and need help! But due to the very nature of this illness, they won’t admit to themselves that they need help and continue to turn on others, usually those who are closest to them.
Clara’s husband was a well respected Preacher and pillar of the society, and no-one initially could believe that he was capable of such hideous behaviour, as his public persona was totally different to his secret, dark side.
Here is the link to Clara’s blog: http://www.findingahealingplace.com
I urge everyone to read Clara’s blog for her own in-depth account. Thankfully, Clara’s husband is safely behind bars now for abusing children so the children are now safe from him. Clara’s family really are an inspiration to society because of their strength of spirit and authenticity. They are now left picking up the pieces of the devastation that has been left behind, but they are doing so in such a dignified and sophisticated manner. Clara & her son Chris’ authenticity have inspired me to try do the same when faced with a really difficult life situation.
As you can see, this story has really got my attention and resonates often with me in a very personal way, as I too was married to a psychologically abusive man. Although thankfully he is not a pedophile, he is however a deeply damaged person who uses control, manipulation and threats to try and keep his weird and warped agenda together. After seeking the advice of experts, I now believe that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Like Clara’s husband John, in public my husband could not be more charming, charismatic and helpful. But look a little more closely and there are many red flags which should warn others of such dangerous personalities. This blog is really difficult for me to write as it brings up lots of emotional pain to the surface. But if my story, like Clara’s can help and educate other young men and women about the signs, then hopefully it will help people avoid or be able to get out of these highly damaging relationships much sooner than Clara and I were able to. We all deserve to live free and authentic lives, so trust your vibes people!”
Do you know how proud I am of this woman for getting the courage to not only read my blog, but to write some of her story? This took guts! It took inner strength! It took her everything! I doubt I will ever meet this lady, but I know one thing. She has a voice and she’s using it to speak out! And, this is how each of us will make a difference!
Her husband is not a pedophile like mine is, but he is an emotional abuser — a bully, and a man who controlled her to the point of fear. Not all emotional/psychological abusive people are pedophiles, but all pedophiles are emotional abusers.
It’s time to get better laws on the books. It’s time we speak out loud and strong and in big numbers to put an end to all abuse — physical, emotional, psychological, and abuse used by pedophiles — the entire gamut, including molesting our innocent children.
Will you help me in this mission? Help bring awareness to the forefront! Thank you so much for continuing to share the words written on this blog with thousands of others each day. We really and truly are making a difference. There will be a day when this horrible cycle of abuse is no longer tolerated!
Love,
Clara
PS The next post will continue on with my story: Married to a Pedophile: The Most Unusual Bible Studies
http://missspirit.wordpress.com
My post is called “its all about control”. I hope it doesnt disappear again! Thanks for the interest x
Hi
just wanted to let you know your link worked. thanks for sharing. and what I posted earlier about shelters. I didnt mean that all shelters were like that. You obviously found a good one. I just wanted to share why some women dont go to them. For example in my area there are some shelters but they are easily findable. Especially those who set up by Christian org. When they buy a house they will ask for donations or for assistance to furnish/set it up. and guess what ? that means that any Christian woman knows it wont be accessible to her because her husband will have easy access to finding it. All he has to do is make a phone call ” hey I have some donations -or I can help fix up XYZ at the shelter”
It worked this time! Wow, those are all things I could see my husband doing! My fear of those things has been one of the biggest factors in me staying. My eldest son has some dietary issues, too, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be careful about that when/if he had the kids. He has also threatened to send them to school (we homeschool and that’s extremely important to me) or have a judge force it. Homeschoolers lose rights so very often since it’s frowned upon by so many judges/politicians/etc. I’m sure I’m not the only one who tortures myself with all the possible scenarios of what could go wrong. :/ Thank you for giving me this inspiring story of a positive outcome (even though the process was extremely difficult)!
Your blog has affected me profoundly, Clara. Like the woman who wrote the piece posted here, I am married to a controlling, angry man. So many things you say resonate deeply with me. Phrases like, “conditioned to feel inferior on every level,” really hit home. He tells me daily that I am worthless, stupid, lazy, evil, useless… and when I get upset he calls me pathetic and says I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
The day we got married, we drove 30 minutes to the courthouse. I grabbed my purse to go in and realized I’d forgotten my driver’s license. He was SO mad! I tried to appease him, saying, “Don’t worry, they should accept my passport for identification.” To this day I remember him seething, “You better hope they do, because if they don’t I’m not driving all the way back here for a LONG time!” I’ve never told anyone that. It’s so humiliating! Who would marry someone right after that??? But I was already scared of his anger, afraid to tell him no. I mentioned this to him last year (we’re going on 10 years now) and he said I’m delusional, no such thing happened. He says that a lot, so I recently started sending myself a text message of the things he says immediately after he says them. I need some sort of ground to stand on.
Two weeks ago, I told him I needed to see some actual evidence of him trying to change. Even just setting up marriage counseling with my pastor (since he – my husband – thinks most of our problems are my fault) for us to attend. I said if he hadn’t done so in a week, we were separating. He hasn’t done it. When I asked him last week if he had started packing, he glared at me and said, “No way in hell are you taking my kids away from me.” And that’s that. I don’t know what to do. We live with my parents right now, so I might legally be able to have my parents call the police and forcibly remove him, but I’m terrified thinking what kind of position that might leave our children in! At least if we’re all under one roof I can protect them! Please pray for me. I don’t know what to do next.
I am so, so sorry. I think deep in our hearts we somehow think things will get better, and every now and then they do something kind of nice, show a hint of what looks like remorse and we quickly forgive. Please listen to me: HE WILL NOT CHANGE! Not without major help, and the help will come only if he’s forced (and then it won’t work) or if he’s willing to get help on his own, and I highly doubt that.
I get what you mean about sending texts to yourself. I started writing things down on post-it notes to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. He’d lie about everything and then I doubted myself and thought I was losing it.
I doubt that your husband is going to agree to counseling. In my case, I went alone for three years. John said all counselors were “quacks”. I don’t know what the laws are since you’re living with your parents, but I’d definitely check into it soon. Has he ever mentioned hurting the children? If so, he’d probably be court ordered to supervised visitation, which would be a good thng.
Can you get yourself in counseling — try to get yourself stronger emotionally? I have a feeling your’re in for a battle, and it would be good if you’re stronger and a bit prepared for it.
Hold your head high and keep pressing forward. Hopefully, he’ll get worn down eough that he’ll leave of his own doing. Please keep me posted. He sounds like a time bomb ready to go off. 🙁
Clara, you’re absolutely right. I keep hoping so hard that he will change and I latch right on to any small bit of kindness or remorse. It only recently occurred to me how ridiculous it is! After 9+ years of the same behavior, suddenly he’s just going to get better for no reason and we’ll have the marriage I’ve always dreamt of??? Not gonna happen!
Counseling on my own is not an option. I have no money (I’m not even allowed to get groceries by myself because I’ll “throw all our money away on crap” like food) and no one to watch the kids on a regular basis. I’m getting stronger through other things, though. Things like your blog, books, my parents and facebook friends (he HATES facebook and has tried many times to get me to cancel my account… after all, before fb he could really isolate me!) keep me somewhat grounded in reality. I’m actually NOT a horrible, useless person. Hooray! lol (Sometimes I’m a sarcastic person, though. 😉 ) I’m slowly gaining confidence and it’s in no small part thanks to your blog. Thank you again for sharing your story!
p.s. It seems “anonymous” is going to be a popular name around here, so you can call me Zipporah.
Zipporah, Please keep reading. Keep getting stronger. And, each day fill your head with some confidence. You’ll be shocked how it all happens. One day you will get the courage you need to speak up and speak out for yourself! PS The isolation is the very best tactic of the abuser. If he can control everything in your life — the plan is you will eventually be dependent on him for everything and actually believe that is how things should be. I think you’re a lot stronger than you think! Keep infusing yourself with knowledge. Knowledge is power and it will move you to action! My thoughts are with you!!!
I absolutely believe that (about the isolation)! I look back now and it’s all so clear. He made me get rid of all my friends early in our relationship so the only friends I had were HIS. His ex-girlfriend (from a serious relationship – he almost proposed to her) and her sister were bridesmaids in our wedding ceremony! (We had an official ceremony on our first anniversary after getting married at the courthouse.) Out of my four bridesmaids, only one of them was MY friend. He worked hard to ruin my relationship with my parents and to destroy my faith in God, since those have always been a source of strength for me. That worked for a while, but backfired in the end. I’m not afraid of questions. I don’t want to cling onto a religion if it’s not right. His criticisms forced me to find answers and ultimately strengthened my faith. Being lonely for so long forced me to look for love in another appropriate place – my parents. Our relationship now is much better than it ever was before!
But still…. I write all this and I feel good and strong and confident. Then when I’m staring in his face…. it all drains out of me. *sigh* Baby steps, I guess.
Baby steps are still steps, and as long as you’re getting stronger that’s all that counts. Try, if you can, to foster good relationships of yours. You’ll be shocked at how empowered you will become as he has less and less control over you!
Hi Anonymous, I just wanted to quickly agree with the advice that Clara gave! What you describe IS TYPICAL!!!! Everything always your fault and slowly you start to think that you are the crazy one. But you are married to a man who needs help and he is dragging you down with him. I urge you to contact women’s support group etc. You need people who understand this type of abuse and not your preacher, who probably has no idea what he is dealing with. It is hard but do it!! I never regretted leaving even though he still tries to bully me after 5 years of separation. At least now I have space for my spirit to grow and my children can grow up without that horrendous, toxic environment. Let us know how you get on x
Wow, it’s amazing how I can totally relate to this. It’s almost like you’re describing my life, though my husband is able to control his anger and use it to manipulate. He also uses his “love” as the manipulator, usually before he uses anger…
Clara, Im blown away by your post. It’s really overwhelming and the support has given me a huge boost! Thank you so much!! I blogged again today (link underneath) and maybe this helps to answer Vicki’s question, although Clara you really answered it perfectly yourself!
http://missspirit.wordpress.com/2013/09/08/how-realistic-is-it-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/
Thanks so much, and look at you! Look at the courage you’re showing!!!! Wonderful!!!!! I hope lots of people read your response!
HI
I clicked on your link and it said nothing was there – jsut wanted to let you know
Not sure what link you clicked….maybe where I previously hosted the blog???? You’re here at the right place. 🙂 Oh….wait….I think the lady who wrote the blog article about abused wives used an incorrect link for me. Thanks for bringing it to my attenton.
Argh! I dont know what happened to my blog? It has reverted to the draft version, even though it was published yesterday. Maybe I didn’t save it properly…not sure. I have lost some of the text, so I will try and finish it (again) and re-post it asap! Thanks for letting me know.
Incase anyone missed it, here is the link http://missspirit.wordpress.com
Missspirit, the link didn’t work. I’m very interested in reading that! I pray everything is okay and you didn’t remove it….
I too am interested in reading your blog post but the link takes me to nothing 🙁 I also live in an abusive marriage. It has been physically abusive in the past, but has always been and continues to be, emotionally abusive. He is very controlling. I believe he has mental issues though he has no official label. Unofficially… bi-polar, religious misogynist… He’s very unstable, cannot make a decision and stick to it. It’s very frustrating for me and for my children. This note in Clara’s last post (Note: When a person is being abused, often they don’t understand the concept of control as being abuse. You become conditioned to it, and after you get worn down emotionally, there is a feeling of defeat – no desire to fight back, and then there is a feeling of dependency on the abuser. The thought of making the simplest of decisions on your own isn’t in your realm of thinking. Why? Because the abuser has enforced this idea into your head in a million different ways: “You cannot live without me. You cannot think without me. You cannot make decisions without me.” And, so the victim stays and allows the abuse to continue. There is a paralysis of sorts — a total feeling of helplessness and the inability to survive away from the abusive situation.) was so very accurate, and I feel describes me to a “T”. I feel paralyzed and stuck in an miserable and helpless, hopeless situation 🙁
Here is the link http://missspirit.wordpress.com
I know exactly how you feel!!! That part of Clara’s post really hit me hard, too. My husband has literally told me countless times that I’m incapable of making a decision, I mess everything up and can’t do anything right, I’m completely incompetent, etc., etc. It never occurred to me that those things (even though I believe – and hope – that it’s subconscious for him) are meant to make me feel dependent on him! And you mentioned him not being able to make a decision and stick to it, I understand! We’ve moved 19 times in less than 10 years for this reason! He’s had so many jobs I can’t even remember them all.
I have been finding strength lately. I AM capable on my own, just as you are! I’m not ready to give up on our marriage, nor am I going to just leave, but I am putting a plan into place right now so that I’m ready to do what needs to be done (most likely separation and possibly divorce) when the time comes.
Also, read the post from missspirit! God bless!
“Zipporah”
Bravery comes in many forms.As an abused wife ,I how you both feel.The best thing I ever did when I was physically attacked was to punch my husband in the chest with my fist.He almost had a heart attack,and he has never put his hands on me again.If there ever is a repeat performance, it’ll be his last My children are grown and have told their father exactly how they feel.He has actually become better.
I’m so glad he’s become better over the years. Living with physical abuse is certainly not a way to live. I’m not sure if I should applaud you for striking back or not, but apparently it got the job done. I’ve heard of way too many cases when women tried to fight back, and they ended up with conditions that were much worse. Thanks so very much for your comment.
You’ve shown once again that abuse comes in so many different forms. And, NEVER is abuse acceptable!
Clara,why does that lady say…she “can’t”get a divorce,because she “can’t prove”her husband is “abusive”. He must have “convinced”her of that! No one has to lstay”married. She “must”get to a “safe”place&rid herself of him.
Vicki, You’ve brought up such a GREAT question!!!!! Thank you! Some laws require a certain amount of time for “separation” before granting a divorce. She lives where I believe the waiting period is longer than a year. She is most definitly separated from him — living apart, but he continues to see the kids, shows up where and when he shouldn’t, etc., while they are separated. Unfotunately, things like getting a PFA (Protection from abuse) is based on actual threats to her life or physical abuse (physically beating her), constant harrassment, etc., and he’s smart enough to know just how far to go without breaking the law where he lives. He does have a girlfriend but refuses to grant his wife a divorce, so she has to wait out the legal timeframe. John also did that to me. He was very angry, and would not sign/agree to a divorce. In my case, I had to save up the money (which wasn’t easy for me to do) to file, pay legal costs, etc. John said, “I’ll never divorce you. I’ll make everyone around know it was YOU who ended this marriage.” John wanted to be the shining star in the church and community and make me look like a horrible person for not being by his side. This lady’s husband is using the same forme of abuse. Our legal system is overflowing with court cases and let’s just say something like this gets put on the back burner by the system — even when there is abuse. I hope this answers your question.
And, emotional abuse is definitely not easy to prove in a court of law. It often looks like the abused person is a liar. Manipulators are excellent at lying and twisting the truth to their advantage.
Vicki
Its not that easy to get to a “safe place” esp if its in a small city/town. One of my friends who came from another area ended up in a shelter in our city. She told stories of women who had “left abusive husbands/boyfriends” but would arrange to meet them outside of the shelter to get drugs etc. You would be surprised how easy it is to find where the shelters are. A woman who leaves her husband also has to think about leaving her job and her church and her family because he will have ways of checking them too to see if she is there. and once she is at a shelter she technically doesn’t have a permanent address which means if she has kids she has to let the schools know change of address. and as long as there is no final custody hearing the husband would still be given access to where the kids are. I might be wrong on that but from what I have heard thats been the issue for a lot of families.