Do you want to know how a wife of a pedophile feels? Some days sad. Some days very confused. Some days weak in faith. Some days in constant torment and pain. Some days full of questions that are begging for answers. And, some days………. mad as hell! The mad as hell feeling doesn’t come often, but when it does I really feel it to the inner core of my being. The story I’m going to share with you today is one that really gets my dander up. Why? Because I fell for one of the biggest lies ever from John and it angers me when I think of how much he must have laughed over it!
If you are new to this blog, in order to get the full story of what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years without knowing it, you should start reading here. The blogs are short, but each one is a stepping stone that shows just how manipulative these molesters are!
I remember this particular event so well. In fact, I saved the emails that were passed around the family during this traumatic time, and I just came across them the other day. Reading them took me to my knees. It’s so hard to read about this stuff now that I can fit the pieces of this pedophilic puzzle together!
I had gone grocery shopping on Saturday and John was watching the kids. When I came home, the house was eerily quiet. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know what had happened. I asked John and the kids what was going on, and they said everything was fine.
It wasn’t fine. Not at all, but I wouldn’t find out for another few days what had happened.
About Wednesday of the following week, I received an email from one of my sons who was in college. “Dear Mom, I’m not sure how to word this, but I know you’ll figure out how to talk to dad about this. I’m sure it’s nothing, but just in case there’s more to it, I thought you should know.”
The email went on to explain what had happened that Saturday when I was grocery shopping. One of my daughters had gone bouncing into my office upstairs (which was always open to everyone) thinking she could get onto my computer to do some homework. Instead, she stood frozen by what she saw!
Sitting at my computer was John. That in and of itself was a shock as he was always downstairs in his locked office where he kept his computer. She was startled at finding him there. What startled her more was what she saw!!!!
On the computer screen was some of the worst adult porn (as described to me in the email) that could be viewed. Raw, obscene, disgusting, horrific scenes and my fifteen year old daughter walked in on her dad, the preacher, viewing this.
He began fumbling to try to X out of it, but the screen was frozen, so what did he do? He turned to her and calmly asked her to delete the porn for him. He said he was working on his Sunday sermon and the porn just popped up on the computer screen and he didn’t know what to do! He was caught! Red-handed! He was caught in a horrible lie!
Needless to say, a young girl would be shocked to see her dad viewing such stuff and it worried her so much that she emailed her older brother. He took several days to think about it then emailed me.
He said, “Talk to dad about it. Mom, don’t get upset. Most men look at stuff like this sometime in their life, so maybe dad just got curious. I’m sure he has an explanation.”
I read the email probably fifty times not knowing what to do. First, I thought I’d better talk to my daughter. When I asked her what happened, she burst into tears. She said, “Mom, it was horrible. The pictures I saw where awful. Everybody was naked. There was blood. There were things I didn’t know about. And, dad just sat there and asked me to get it off of the computer because the computer was frozen. It was sickening, Mom!”
She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed!
As I held her I kept thinking of John telling me that he used to spend his summers looking at porn when he was young. So, I knew he had already been exposed to this. But now? Not now. He wouldn’t do that! But, my mind kept wondering. He was really strange in bed with me. He never, ever used foul language — not even in a teasing way. But, it seemed as though he had lost interest in intimacy. In fact, more often than not, he would turn his back on me and just say, “I’m tired. Let’s just go to sleep.” And, he had no problem going for weeks like that. And, when he did demand intimacy, he did some really strange things. Things that made me feel less than like a lady — less than like a woman sharing a close, warm moment with the man she loved.
I was worried. Maybe there was another woman. Maybe he had lost interest in me as his wife. Maybe…..a million different thoughts raced through my mind.
That night, I mustered up the courage to bring up the topic. I was breathing erratically — so nervous. How do you approach this subject? It was awkward and embarrassing, to say the least.
“John, can I talk to you? Do you remember last Saturday when I was shopping? Did anything out of the ordinary happen while I was gone?”
He was watching TV and never even turned his head to look at me. I hated that! He never looked me straight in the eye! “Oh, you mean the mix-up on my computer? Did she tell you about that? I guess I should have mentioned it. I’m studying for a series I’m going to preach on porn addiction, so I thought what better way to find out what’s out there than to get on the computer and see for myself. So, I typed in a few words and there it was!”
“What do you mean you were studying for a sermon? You need to look at hard-core porn to study for a sermon?”
“Sure. Haven’t you read what Dr. Dobson has to say on the subject? That’s where I got the idea from. He said if you haven’t seen it, you can’t preach about it. You have to view the porn to get into the mind of the guys who get hooked on it. So, I have to look at some of this stuff if I want my sermon series to be effective.”
Do you want to know what’s weird? I believed this lie one hundred per cent! In fact, I apologized for ever questioning John. I said I’d talk to our daughter and reassure her that he was just prepping for a sermon. And, I never brought up the subject again!
How many red flags and lies can you see in this one story? I’ve thought a million times over why John used MY computer upstairs to do his dirty work. He never used my computer — he had his own private, locked office with his own computer. I think this was another one of his tests. How much would I believe? How dedicated to him were his children. Who would we tell about this? Would we make a big deal? Or would we believe his lies once again?
Shock. Lies. Denial. More lies. Control. Making a person question themselves. Making a person feel bad for ever questioning his motives.
I actually ended up apologizing to John over and over for being so stupid as to question him about this. I said, “I should have known better. I know you had a good reason for looking at that stuff. I don’t know why I ever questioned you.”
He smiled. Pure satisfaction.
So, I did what any brainwashed, dedicated wife would do. I sent out a family email to the older kids telling them that I talked to dad and everything was fine. I explained that he was researching for a sermon series and that it was unfortunate their sister had walked into my office at that moment. But, all was well and there was no need to worry.
I never brought the subject up again. Not ever. And, neither did the kids.
However, I find it interesting that I saved those emails from over fifteen years ago! In fact, I printed them off and kept them in my personal files. Deep inside of me I knew something was very wrong. I felt it. I had caught John in other lies but never made a big deal about it. My gut was telling me something was very wrong, but I just couldn’t put the pieces together!
Why didn’t I search on his computer? Keep in mind I never had access to his computer. His office was locked at all times and he held the only key to it. I also found out much later that he was very computer savvy. He knew how to hack into emails. He knew his way around a computer very effectively. He was no dummy! Still, I never questioned him. I was so intent on being a “good Christian wife” that I thought it would be wrong of me to do anything except completely believe him. He was a godly man, a godly father, and it was my duty to respect him at all times. And, I did!
Beware! Pedophiles are liars! Pedophiles are very involved in porn! Pedophiles test people. Pedophiles make sure they have won your complete trust. Pedophiles practice molesting over and over in their minds before they actually touch a child. They plan every detail. They make lists. They think of every possible scenario before making their move. They target who they will molest. They work methodically and precisely! Please get a copy of Conversations With a Pedophile. This book is a hard read, but it’s incredibly helpful! Learn about how a pedophile works from the very mouth of a man who was a practicing pedophile for years and is serving a life sentence in prison just like John!
I was trying so hard to be the Christian wife and mother — so worried about being completely trusting and all-forgiving, that I gave John the benefit of the doubt in all areas of life. And, I was teaching our kids to do the same. “Never question dad.” I was truly the perfect mate for a practicing pedophile. He pushed me aside time and time again while he was carrying out his manipulative, controlling plans in order to fulfill his evil, selfish lustful desire of children. How do I know? Because when he was arrested, the evidence was all there. And, by his own admission in court, this was his life for fifty years. Lies. Porn. Control. Child molestation.
Who is the child molester? The child molester can be anyone!
Who will be the next victim? Please don’t let it be your child! Keep your guard up at all times. Be careful who you trust! Look for the signs. Listen to the lies. “A minister has to view hard-core porn in order to teach about it.” Really? I wasn’t thinking! Does this mean that a minister has to molest children in order to teach about it? I was so incapable of thinking for myself that I tremble when I think I might have fallen for that lie, too! This is how victims are — incapable of thinking for themselves. They fall into the trap of believing the lies!
Learn from my life! Listen to me clearly! Watch for a person who is constantly studying people. Beware of the person who is “too good to be true” — always has his life in order, always in control, always helpful way beyond the call of duty, always offering to help babysit and take your children to the park to give you a break. You know what I’m talking about! And, remember — if your instinct tells you something is wrong, it probably is!
Work with me to keep our children safe! Together we can be a voice that is heard! Let’s make it so hard for these manipulative liars to get to our children that they finally walk away and give up!
Love,
Clara
If you are interested in having me speak to your mom’s group about putting plans in place to keep your children safe, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com . I want to help!
I have a feeling Dr. Dobson would be right there with you and the rest of us who are angry at this one!
Ashley, I think you’re right on that one!
What do you know about the movement to legalize “generational” sex with “minority attracted” persons and removing the clause “consensual sex under the age of 18 to just “consensual sex”? I read a disturbing report of a conference sponsored by the pedophile group B4U-ACT.
Speakers addressed the around 50 individuals in attendance on themes ranging from the notion that pedophiles are “unfairly stigmatized and demonized” by society to the idea that “children are not inherently unable to consent” to sex with an adult. Also discussed were arguments that an adult’s desire to have sex with children is “normative” and that the APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) ignores the fact that pedophiles “have feelings of love and romance for children” in the same way adult heterosexuals and homosexuals have romantic feelings for one another.
http://news.yahoo.com/b4u-act-pedophilia-takes-step-toward-being-considered-212800919.html
If you don’t know anything about this group, please google them. Their website “sounds” like they are trying to enhance communication between mental health professionals and “minor attracted” persons, but reading between the lines, they have a sick agenda.
Lori, I’ve been following this for a while, and while to some it looks like this is a big step towards moral acceptance and understanding, this is a very disturbing movement and it frightens me to death! There is a big push to get pedophiles recognized as a group that has been “afraid to speak out because of getting unfair treatment” for what they feel is their norm and the norm of many others. What frightens me is if there comes a day when there is an acceptance of the pedphiles feelings of romance for children and they are freely speaking out, then I can guarantee there will be actions involved with this acceptance. What in heaven’s name then will happen to all of the victims? Or, will they no longer be “victims” by order of the law?
Yes, there is a hidden agenda. I get sick thinking about it.
Apparently the APA has recently taken a step towards groups like the one Lori mentioned. I found this article, dated 3 days ago: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/dsm-pedophilia-mental-disorder-paraphilia_n_4184878.html
Here are the first two paragraphs:
“In a move toward destigmatizing pedophilia, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) in its updated Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), distinguishes between pedophiles who desire sex with children, and those who act on those desires.
The former group — those who want to have sex with children but whose desires are not distressing or harmful to themselves or others — is no longer classified as having a psychiatric condition in the updated DSM. “
Ashley, I had NOT seen this article. Thanks so much for putting it on my radar! I’m finding that the medical and psychological terminology get really confusing when talking about pedophilia — extremely confusing and very controversial. I’m just holding my breath on this…….praying that whatever the “label” outcome is that it is beneficial and gives protection to potential victims and those already victimized.
I couldn’t agree more.
I found this article helpful and the comments very revealing:
http://www.sott.net/article/268244-Children-on-the-menu-Predators-seek-to-normalize-pedophilia
WOW! That’s a lot to take in and the comments are extremely revealing. In the center of all of this emotionally packed back-and-forth controversy, I hope (and I pray) that our lawmakers will take into primary consideration one thing and one thing only — protection of our children. Children cannot do that for themselves. Advocacy groups for pedophiles? I don’t think so. Demanding rights for sensitivity and understanding? Really? Whatever is this world coming to? Every day I read horror stories of victims who were destroyed because being abused and molested when a child — not being able to think for themselves, let alone defend themselves. I get angered beyond words at the thought of pedophiles demanding anything. I can’t go there in my thoughts right now. Thank you so much for sending me think link. I’m trying to stay abreast of all that is happening, but things change from day-to-day. I think more and more pedophiles are speaking out, and those who say they’ve never acted on their thoughts are now coming to the forefront. The big question is this? Who do we believe, and how much more risk can our children take? They already are high risk for pedophiles preying on them! My goal is to speak out in order to keep our children safe. I will continue to do that. Please, as you see articles like this, continue to send them. Very, very enlightening. Thank you so much!
Clara, you said:
” I think more and more pedophiles are speaking out, and those who say they’ve never acted on their thoughts are now coming to the forefront. The big question is this? Who do we believe, and how much more risk can our children take? ”
That is why I think it is very important to learn more about psychopathy. Psychopaths lie all the time, they tell lies, big or small, it doesn’t matter to them. They lack empathy and compassion and so on. I think that lots of pedophiles are psychopaths, if not most. That is why I think these books by Sandra Brown are a good start to learn more.
I watched this documentary a while ago:
http://www.sott.net/article/233541-Conspiracy-of-Silence
It is very disturbing, but it shows us that pedophiles do not always act alone.
Let me make a distinction. A small group of pedophiles have been trying to get acceptance for adult-child sex for 40 years. They are getting absolutely nowhere, though their pronouncements are of course latched onto by media.
The more recent movement is to accept pedophiles a little bit for their desires while NOT accepting any child sexual abuse. A lot of mental health professionals are behind this. It is a way of reducing child sex abuse, not a path to increasing it.
The problem is that any boy — 1 to 3 percent of all boys — can realize as a teen that he’s attracted primarily to young children. It has nothing to do with bad parenting or values — it’s just a biological fact, like being gay. It could be your son. What is he supposed to do? If he reveals this, he risks being disowned by his parents, shunned by his friends. If he goes to see a counselor, the alarm bells of “mandated reporter” come into play. Does this boy have any contact with younger children (most boys do, to some extent)? Does he say his attractions are strong? If so, there’s this strong impetus for a therapist to report him, resulting in a public investigation where the suspicion of being a molester is thrown on him and his life can be ruined. So what does he do? He suffers great pain. He considers suicide. If society tells him he’s a monster, he may figure he might as well act like one.
If on the other hand society accepts his inclinations, then he can talk to his parents, and he can see a therapist who will only report him if he (unfortunately) actually abuses a child. That’s the benefit to children of being more accepting — even if you didn’t give a damn about your son or someone else’s son once he turns out to be a pedophile.
The APA is recognizing that there are no strange psychological aspects to pedophilia except the pedophilia itself: attraction to children. If a pedophile becomes a molester, then he’s a criminal. But he’s as responsible as anyone else for his actions.
My pastor has been warning of the pedophile agenda for years.
I am so glad that you are putting your life out there to educate others, Clara. You are truly making a difference.
Kerri, I pray this is helping. I think it’s so hard for most people to imagine that often they don’t allow their minds to go there. But, this is the real world in which we live — right here under our noses. Thank you for the daily inspiration you provide!
What Kerri said 🙂
Thank you, Linda. That means a lot!
Hi Clara, I’ve read all your blogs on this topic over the last 2 days. I divorced a man who is manipulative like this – the father of my two young children. I started to write this reply, and then hours later, it was several pages long. Now I am afraid to post it. I think I’d rather just email it to you, because it is so long and so personal that it might be overwhelming to the other people reading this site, and also, I am not certain how safe I am. Can I email you what I’ve written, instead of having it suddenly “put out there?”
I’m so glad that you’ve read the blogs as I’m sure it helps to open your eyes to things you have suspected or even lived through. It’s amazing how well we can “see” once we’re removed from the situation and the person has lost his control over us. Yes, of course you can email me what you’ve written. Use clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com . I will be waiting to hear from you.
I was a victim of a pedophile when I was nine years old. (I was actually sexually assaulted by three men and one was my grandfather with whom I lived) The man owned a small store with the biggest and best penny candy around. He was a deacon in the church and his wife was very prominate in the ladies groups. She owned the only mink stole in the whole church and they sat in the same second pew on the right every Sunday. “Big shots”! Their daughter taught the childrens choir and they hosted parties at their luxurious house. Looking back I later saw that he had the perfect setup to attract children. I used ti visit his store with friends but one day I went by myself and was taken to the storeroom. I was “paid off” with a big bag of candy and threats that I would be taken from my mom.(she was unmarried) They were prominent business folk and big in the Chamber of Commerce. Very big in the church as well and did charitable acts. Looking back I see how he had himself “prepared” to carry out his acts and how he picked those who would be easiest. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one but he was never caught although later in life I think there was some suspicion. He had all the earmarks of a well planned pedophile right under everyones nose. I was 40 years old till I even remembered the abuse but have been very vigilant in keeping my eyes open to those around me. I served several years with “Victim Services” which added to my education, especially seeing the cases in court. I am glad you and your son are telling and sharing your stories. This is still a “secret” crime in many ways and the world needs to open their eyes and see!! God bless you!!!
First off, I am so very sorry to hear that you were the victim of a pedophile and underwent the pain and abuse of sexual assault. We can type those words fairly easily but “living through the pain” is another story. How brave of you to share some of your story! It makes me sick to think of some of the “churchy” people who have gotten away with this evil all of their lives — and they sit up front and center in church and put on their godly act before people and people bow down to them. How despicable in the sight of God! The man you described sure did have the perfect set-up! He had all of his plans in place — every duck in a row! Keep in mind, he still has to face God. I’m so glad you brought out the fact that you were 40 years old when you remembered the abuse. So many times others don’t understand that when we’ve gone through severe trauma we lock away those memories and keep them locked away for a very long time. It’s just too much for us to handle. I’m so glad that you worked with Victim Services…….it’s not easy seeing what happens to a lot of these cases in court because we have such weak laws with so many loopholes — and the molesters know it. Beleive me, they’ve studied the laws!
This is very much a “secret” crime, and that’s why I feel so passionate about telling my story of how easily I was decieved by the man I was married to. He did so much harm to so many and I pray to God that by educating others we can begin to see more clearly the red flags and do things to keep our children safe from such evil!
Thanks so much for the courage to write! Blessings to you always!