{"id":1753,"date":"2014-10-16T21:04:07","date_gmt":"2014-10-16T21:04:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.findingahealingplace.com\/?p=1753"},"modified":"2014-10-16T21:04:07","modified_gmt":"2014-10-16T21:04:07","slug":"married-to-a-pedophile-when-the-abuse-continues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/married-to-a-pedophile-when-the-abuse-continues\/","title":{"rendered":"Married to a Pedophile: When the Abuse Continues"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.findingahealingplace.com\/2014\/10\/14\/married-to-a-pedophile-when-the-shockwaves-hit\/\">Last week’s post <\/a>caused quite a stir.\u00a0 So many people resonated with this part of my story.\u00a0 The emails have been pouring in saying, “If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m reading my own life’s story!”\u00a0 That’s both wonderful and so very sad.\u00a0 The sad part is that this abuse continues to be so prevalent in our society.\u00a0 The wonderful part to me is that victims are beginning to get enough courage to speak out, and they’re being heard!<\/p>\n<p>And, every time a victim of child sexual abuse speaks out there is one more step being taken towards healing.\u00a0\u00a0 A large part of my goal with this blog is to help victims of abuse to become<a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=tqPUgQoTVyM&list=PL273603AF033E73D1&index=3\"> “survivors of abuse”!\u00a0 <\/a>Just the word SURVIVOR equates with STRENGTH!\u00a0*I hope that each of you will listen to the 6 minute video included in this paragraph.\u00a0 It’s\u00a0a powerful message of hope and healing!<\/p>\n<p>Let’s continue on with my story.\u00a0 After John left me and the girls, I had a multitude of worries, the first being, “How am I going to pay the mortgage?”\u00a0 Other worries were along the same line.\u00a0 “How will I pay for the utilities — gas, phone, electric, fuel oil?”\u00a0 “How will my daughters go to\u00a0college?”\u00a0 “How, how, how?\u00a0 Dear God, how can I do this alone?”\u00a0 Going from a two family income to a one family income in the blink <!--more-->of an eye without any forewarning was not easy!\u00a0 Especially since there were so many bills piled up due to <a href=\"http:\/\/triblive.com\/x\/pittsburghtrib\/news\/regional\/s_83005.html#axzz3GKpwavsK\">John’s previous encounter with the Federal Government<\/a>.\u00a0 I quickly learned that debt incurred while married — regardless of who is responsible — is shared debt!\u00a0 I was sick — literally.\u00a0 My blood pressure skyrocketed, sleep was fitful or non-existent, and my weight dropped over forty pounds very quickly.<em><strong>\u00a0 Physical symptoms<\/strong> <strong>almost always are a shadowing of some type of trauma going on in one’s life.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p>By nature, I’m a very private person who doesn’t like to share my woes with anyone.\u00a0 This was too big for me to handle alone, though, so with a trembling voice and a racing heart I made a phone call to a local attorney I knew.\u00a0 He was gracious enough to see me that week.<\/p>\n<p>After telling him about the separation, he sat and looked at me for a few minutes without saying a word.\u00a0 I had known this attorney for over twenty years, and he had known John for a longer period of time.\u00a0 His eyes keep reading and re-reading the “Terms of Separation” John had given me and finally the attorney spoke.<\/p>\n<p>“Go after him!”\u00a0 “Go after him today!”\u00a0 “I will draw up papers for child and spousal\u00a0support, and based on the information you’ve given me he will be paying you, $1,279 a month at minimum. You’re crazy if you don’t push him to the fullest.<\/p>\n<p>I sat there shaking my head no.\u00a0 “No!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 No!”\u00a0 I knew I couldn’t do that.\u00a0 There was no way I was going to do this to John.\u00a0 I couldn’t.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Well, for one thing I still had feelings for him at this point.\u00a0And, \u00a0I’m sure I was in partial denial.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>And, when people are abused they often defend their very abuser because that is the only relationship they know!\u00a0<\/strong> *NOTE:\u00a0 I encourage you to read this statement over a hundred times until it sinks in.\u00a0 This has a lot to do with why children of abuse never tell on the one who is molesting them.\u00a0 It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been the victim of abuse, but to those of us who have it makes perfect sense.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>“What do you mean?\u00a0 Are you telling me you’re not going to take him to court for the support that should be yours?”<\/p>\n<p>“Yes.\u00a0 That’s what I’m saying.\u00a0 Do you understand that my kids already think I’m a terrible person for not staying with their dad?\u00a0 Do you know what this would do to my relationship with the kids if I take him to court?\u00a0 I just can’t do it.\u00a0 I have to find another way to keep me and the girls in the house.”<\/p>\n<p>This attorney is a man of great wisdom.\u00a0 I know that he saw what a fragile state I was in so he didn’t push me.\u00a0 He said, “I’ll draw up a letter for you asking the bank to work with you to\u00a0help you make your monthly payments.\u00a0 Now don’t fail me on this.\u00a0 You have to stay well enough to keep working.\u00a0 Do you understand?”<\/p>\n<p>Oh, how well I understood!\u00a0 That’s all that was on my mind day and night!!!<\/p>\n<p>This sounds like it was an easy visit to an attorney’s office who was a friend.\u00a0 Let me assure you that I thought I was going to have to crawl to my car because I was so weak.\u00a0 When I made it to the car, I folded my head into my hands and sobbed so hard that I’m sure people passing by on the street thought I was either dying or crazy — maybe both.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>It’s not easy to talk to anyone when you have been the victim of emotional or sexual abuse — even when you’re an adult!\u00a0<\/strong><\/em> I’ve thought millions of times over about how hard it was for me doing the simplest of things to move forward in life during this period of time.\u00a0 My mind cannot fathom what it must be like for a child of sexual abuse!\u00a0 Can you imagine the thoughts of that child as they cry out for help in their night terrors\u00a0and no one is there to help?\u00a0 Can you imagine how impossible it would be to trust anyone when you’ve been sexually violated as a child?<\/p>\n<p>Two days after my visit to the attorney, I had to visit the President of the bank.\u00a0 I was taking pay stubs, the letter from the attorney, and a letter I had written explaining my intentions of getting a second job as soon as possible so that I could keep the girls in the only place they knew as home.<\/p>\n<p>Many of you might be thinking, “Why would you want to stay in that house?\u00a0 Why not get out from under a mortgage and rent a small apartment?\u00a0 Why not move and get a fresh start in life?”<\/p>\n<p>Anyone who knows anything about deep grief and loss knows a person should never make any major decision in the first year following a loss.\u00a0 Never!\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because our minds aren’t capable of thinking clearly.\u00a0 I’m so glad that I had the presence of mind enough to know that I should stay put with the girls until I had my head on a bit straighter.<\/p>\n<p>If I was a drinking person, I’m sure I would have downed a bottle of whiskey before entering the bank that cold day in March.\u00a0 Instead, it took me three hours of talking to myself in the car saying, “You can do this.\u00a0 You have to do this.\u00a0 You’re going to talk to the President without crying.\u00a0 You’re going to hold your head up and look him in the eyes and ask him to help you.”<\/p>\n<p>Over and over again I went through that pep talk until finally the moment came.\u00a0 It was time for my appointment.\u00a0 My legs were like lead.\u00a0 My head was pounding.\u00a0 My blood pressure was elevated.\u00a0 My eyes were swollen from crying.\u00a0 I was a <a href=\"http:\/\/dictionary.reference.com\/browse\/bumbling\">bumbling mess<\/a>!<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>We had our meeting and what a meeting it was!!!\u00a0 <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p>*Note:\u00a0 I will share the “President’s Meeting” with you next time. For now, I will fill you in on what John was doing during this same time that I was going through such a difficult, painful time of emotional and physical upheaval.<\/p>\n<p>While the girls and I were going through our personal turmoil and pain, John was actually enjoying life.\u00a0 He had made plans weeks in advance to move in with one of our sons and a daughter-in-law.\u00a0 His exchange for rent was to offer them free cable and internet through his job as a salesman, and he would buy some food each month and cook some meals.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>A rather sweet deal, wouldn’t you say?\u00a0<\/strong> Walk away from your responsibilities as a father and be the “fun dad” — the dad that takes off work whenever he wants.\u00a0 The dad that works from “home” and has tons of free time to cook and play on the internet.\u00a0 The dad who has his own bedroom and office and can come and go as he pleases without any accountability.\u00a0 The dad who has lots of play money.\u00a0 The dad who is a joy to be around!\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n<p>For John, life was good!\u00a0 No, I’ll say, for John life was GREAT!!!<\/p>\n<p>That being said, I noticed some oddities in family emails that were being exchanged.\u00a0 Much to my surprise I was included on some of the\u00a0emails.<\/p>\n<p>“Dad is acting so weird.\u00a0 He’s stockpiling food like he’s never going to eat again.\u00a0 He has the kitchen cupboards filled.\u00a0 He has the trunk of his car full of food.\u00a0 He even is storing boxes of cereal and canned goods in the garage!”<\/p>\n<p>“Dad is cheating the company.\u00a0 He pretends he’s out working when really he’s home playing on the computer.\u00a0 He managed to get unlimited internet, cable, a phone, a new laptop,\u00a0and he even has a brand new, top of the line video camera.\u00a0 I can’t believe they keep him on the payroll!”<\/p>\n<p>“Dad insists he’s going to quit the sales job and get a full-time job as a manny.\u00a0 That is so weird!\u00a0 He wants to live in with a family and take care of their kids. Then come home on the weekends and work as a fill-in minister.”<\/p>\n<p>“Dad is pushing hard with one of the local churches to be mentored as a youth pastor.\u00a0 What’s that all about?\u00a0 He should be thinking of retiring soon — not starting new careers!”<\/p>\n<p>“Dad expects us to go out every weekend to the movies, out to eat, or to hang out with him to watch movies.\u00a0 Doesn’t he realize we have families?”<\/p>\n<p>“Dad won’t listen to a thing!\u00a0 We asked him not to feed our dogs table scraps and every day while we’re at work, he cooks an outlandish bunch of food with all kinds of strange ingredients that we don’t like, then feeds the leftovers to the dogs!\u00a0 He doesn’t respect anything we say!”<\/p>\n<p>I have all of these emails saved.\u00a0 In fact, I often printed them off and took them to my counseling sessions asking, “What do you make of this?\u00a0 Why would he be buying so much food and storing it in the trunk of his car and in the garage?\u00a0 He won’t give a penny of child support, but he’s buying hundreds of dollars of food that is going to waste!”<\/p>\n<p>I never received any answers — only questioning looks from my counselor.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>John’s behavior was a mystery.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p>But, when I stepped back and thought about it, he had always been that way.\u00a0 He never listened to authority.\u00a0 He was never accountable for his time or actions.\u00a0 He was a cheat and a liar and that’s why he got busted <a href=\"http:\/\/www.findingahealingplace.com\/2014\/04\/08\/married-to-a-pedophile-more-trouble-federal-indictment\/\">bilking elderly people of money<\/a>.\u00a0 He was controlling.\u00a0 He was all of those things, but the kids didn’t see it because all they chose to see at that time was the “fun dad” — the dad they always knew and loved.<\/p>\n<p>It didn’t take long for the kids to see their dad in a bit of a different light.\u00a0 But, still…..they continued to feel sorry for him.\u00a0 He had a way of coming off as “poor John.”\u00a0 He looked pitiful to them.\u00a0 One of my daughters confided in me that her dad said, “I don’t know how I’m going to live without mother.\u00a0 One of these days I’m going to drive my car right off of a cliff and end it all.”<\/p>\n<p>The kids worried about him.\u00a0 And, to be truthful, I worried about him, too.\u00a0 I didn’t want him to be suffering.\u00a0 I didn’t want to cause him pain.\u00a0 I didn’t want to have it on my conscience that I caused him to end his life.<\/p>\n<p>How does this all tie in with being a pedophile? What\u00a0does any of this have to do with child sexual molestation?\u00a0 Look at the red flags waving in our faces!\u00a0 Now I can see clearly, but back then I was living in a fog of grief and confusion!<\/p>\n<p>1.\u00a0<strong> John continued to control all of those around him.\u00a0<\/strong> He controlled their time, their thoughts, and their emotions.\u00a0 He was a pro!<\/p>\n<p><strong>2.\u00a0 He was believable.\u00a0<\/strong> All pedophiles are believable.\u00a0 That’s why people trust them!\u00a0 They know just how to twist the truth to make everything they say and do believable.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3.\u00a0 John was extremely selfish.\u00a0<\/strong> It didn’t bother him that two of his daughters were eating nothing but peanut butter bread and freezing under a cold blanket because there was not heat or food in their house.\u00a0 He made certain, though, that he was warm and more than amply fed!<\/p>\n<p><strong>4.\u00a0 He manipulated the church, his boss, his children, and community friends.\u00a0<\/strong> Everyone was worried about him, including me.\u00a0 And, that is just what pedophiles do!\u00a0 They come off as sweet, caring, loving people who are sincerely trying to do good all of the time when in fact they have been studying how to gain your trust for their own selfish purposes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>5.\u00a0 John\u00a0 openly discussed babysitting little children.\u00a0 He made certain he told his wishes over and over again until finally it no longer seems as “odd” that a 60-year-old man wanted to be a full-time babysitter.\u00a0 He knew how to control a person’s thinking!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Read that list over and over again until it sinks in.\u00a0 Pedophiles are smart.\u00a0 They know what they’re doing!\u00a0 They target and use the weak!\u00a0 They target and use the lonely!\u00a0 They target and use people in the name of God!\u00a0 They are brilliant deceivers who are planning and plotting to molest your children — and there is nothing that will get in their way!\u00a0 Nothing except you being smarter than they are!!!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.findingahealingplace.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Pain-and-Healing-.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-1754\" alt=\"Pain and Healing\" src=\"http:\/\/www.findingahealingplace.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Pain-and-Healing-.jpg\" width=\"800\" height=\"419\" srcset=\"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Pain-and-Healing-.jpg 800w, https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Pain-and-Healing--300x157.jpg 300w, https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Pain-and-Healing--500x261.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Every time you read a post such as this, you’re getting smarter and stronger.\u00a0 Every time you allow these words to sink in you’re understanding more about how the mind of a pedophile works.\u00a0 And, every time you speak out, you are moving from victim to survivor, from weak to strong!<\/p>\n<p>Education is prevention!\u00a0 And, we’re doing it.\u00a0 One step at a time, we are getting educated and one step at a time we will learn how to prevent child sexual abuse!<\/p>\n<p>Thank you for caring.\u00a0 Thank you for sharing!\u00a0 Thank you for being part of the team that will help stop child sexual abuse!<\/p>\n<p>Love,<\/p>\n<p>Clara<\/p>\n<p>If you are in need of a speaker at your local school, church, or concerned parent’s organization, please email me at <a href=\"mailto:clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com\">clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com<\/a> .<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Last week’s post caused quite a stir.\u00a0 So many people resonated with this part of my story.\u00a0 The emails have been pouring in saying, “If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m reading my own life’s story!”\u00a0 That’s both … <a href=\"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/married-to-a-pedophile-when-the-abuse-continues\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">→<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[204,243,443,446,444,447,507,228,445,511],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1753"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1753"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1753\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1755,"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1753\/revisions\/1755"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1753"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1753"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/findingahealingplace.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1753"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}