Why? How? When? I thought I knew my husband! These are all of the things that go through a wife’s head when she finds out “for certain” that her husband has been molesting children. At least that’s what went through my head initially. And, guess what? It’s now been five years plus some since I’ve known, and there are still times I cry and want to scream, “I can’t believe this! I don’t want to believe this!” But, I do….I do believe. It’s true. It’s real. The man I shared my life with molested innocent, precious children. And, he did it while married to me. He molested children while he preached. He molested children during those years when he could have easily been named father of the year. He molested children during the years he was conducting bible studies, performing wedding ceremonies, and visiting the sick and the shut-ins.
And, this hard truth is devastating! How can the man who did all of the wonderful things also have done all of those horrible acts against children?
I’m going to write about this in two parts because I feel it’s so important and so pertinent to all that is going on in the world today. Every week I get emails from wives who have been told the facts about their husbands. They have seen evidence that is beyond the shadow of doubt that their husbands have molested children. Often their husbands openly admit that they have done so, yet wives wrestle with this entire thing of belief.
Why? Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to believe the truth?
I’m speaking not just for myself, but for thousands of other wives who are facing this same tragedy as I faced several years ago.
When you believe your husband committed horrific acts against children, when you believe your husband was drenching himself in child pornography, when you believe the fact that your husband is a cold-faced liar, you also must believe that you were manipulated. When you believe in the guilt of your husband, you also must face the fact that you’ve been showering love on a person that you don’t know. The action of pedophiles are vile, criminal, and they shatter our thinking. If you can’t trust your husband, who can you trust?
To believe that your husband is guilty of these actions against children also does something to you internally. It sure did a number on me, and it still does. How could I share a bed, my heart, and my innermost thoughts and feelings with a man who is so corrupt? How could I not see it? Why didn’t I pick up on what he was doing? How could I have been so blind to what was going on for so many years?
How could I be so stupid?
These thoughts plagued me for a long, long time day and night. I’ve wept bitter tears over the fact that I didn’t see what was going on in my life, my life that was shared with a man I thought was a godly man. Years later I understand that I was used. I was victimized. Not in the way the children were, but in a way that still makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel somehow responsible. I’ve gone round and round with myself about this very fact that had I been more aware I could have prevented so many children so much pain!
But, I didn’t know. I didn’t see. He was just that good of a liar and deceiver. He was a wolf. He was a master deceiver!
Why do wives find it so hard to believe the truth about their pedophile husbands? Because it’s scary. It’s dirty. It’s ugly. It’s crushing. It places a ton of guilt upon your innocent heart and makes you half-crazy.
If you’ve been following my story, you know that I did believe the truth when I heard it. I believed it immediately, thank God. But, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t spent countless days and nights wrestling with all of the things I’ve just shared with you.
John has written me from prison. I’ve never responded. His brief letters, although few, have been the same as always. “I love you. You are the stronger one in our family. It’s up to you to keep the family together. I’m so glad I married you. I pray for you every day.”
I don’t believe him. I used to believe him. But, because I believe the truth and know the truth about him molesting children, I now have lost the belief that he ever loved me. Almost forty years together being lied to, manipulated, and used. A mockery. My marriage was such a mockery. And that makes me feel so sad, so used, and so empty.
All of this because I believed the truth. In a lot of ways it’s so much easier to continue believing a lie. But, this isn’t about taking the easy way out!
More to come on this next week………… “The Shattered Wife” will be something that you will not want to miss. I will share insights that you probably have never heard or discussed before.
Thank you for reading. Thank YOU for believing the truth. It’s hard to look honestly and see the brokenness that has come from what you thought was a beautiful relationship. It’s hard to know that precious, innocent children were greatly harmed by the man who shared your life. It’s hard, but you’re a believer because you know you must become a voice for the children just as I’m a voice for the children.
We have a responsibility to speak out, to uphold the truth, and to help those who have been crushed by men such as the man I married.
I’ll share more on this subject the next time……
In the meantime, my son Jimmy has a lot of helpful wisdom and tools for those who are living this nightmare of abuse. Please stop by and visit Jimmy’s blog. Together, let’s become a voice that’s loud and strong! Let’s do all we can to make sure that the truth is known and innocent children are protected! I feel like the past year has been a critical year of change. Those who have been abused are beginning to speak out with courage! We must, we absolutely must, keep this energy going. We must clean house and get these pedophiles away from children! We must protect the innocent!
Much love,
Clara
*****If you are new to my story of being married to a pedophile, please begin here.
From a comment on another blog about marital abuse, I found your blog. A lady said that even though her husband wasn’t a pedaphiile, the emotional abuse was very similar.
I came and read and agree. I’m in an abusive marriage and trying to find the mental snd spiritual strength and financial to leave.
But I’ve binge read for two days, reading, reading, reading because my father fits the profile perfectly. And he has singled out my oldest son for special attention: archery and cribbage and sleeping in grandpa’s tent when we all camp.
I’m feeling sick. I don’t think anything has *happened* but my gut is screaming at me that I’ve could be grooming my son. It feels terrible to think it.
I’ve always felt a cognitive dissonance about my dad. Love him, but I’ve had dreams he was a spy and had a secret life. There are things that are very strange. He’s been a youth pastor, summer camp director, teacher, and worked for a non-profit for troubled youth.
I’ve never heard any allegations. Several of the boys and young men he’s mentored over the years are adults now and still have him as Facebook friends. I don’t want to believe it’s possible of my dad, and my son really could use a positive male role model. But….
I will not allow sleep overs or alone time with my sons, especially the one he seems to have the best relationship with. Any additional advice or suggestions? Thank you for writing and baring your heart.
Dear Anonymous, First of all, kudos to you for thinking all of this through! Far too many moms would dismiss their “gut feelings” and not even give this a second thought. Your dad would rank high up on my list of “could he be” just by reading what you’ve written. I have a feeling that possibly you have more of those gut feelings than you’ve written here.
My suggestion? Absolutely no sleepovers with your dad! There’s no need for that. You haven’t mentioned what age your son is that your dad has singled out. I’m hopeful that you have some kind of conversation in your home about what is appropriate touch and talk and what is not. Often, when young kids are groomed and then molested, they are so confused by what is right and what is wrong that their young minds don’t know what to think. There are clear boundaries that should and must be clearly defined and followed. Without education children can’t really know for sure. Sadly, so many times the pedophile will say, “This feels good, doesn’t it? This is how daddy/grandpa/uncle shows that they love you.” Or, they will use a scare tactic as my ex-husband did (disclosed by one of the children he molested). “If you ever tell, I’ll kill myself. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Or…”If you tell, your mommy and daddy won’t love you any more.” And, on and on it goes. No precious child of any age should be exposed to this emotional and physical abuse, yet, as we know it happens OFTEN!
I can’t stress enough the importance of open communication with your children! Let it be known every day that you are their safe place! And, you will love them no matter what!
I’m so very sorry you’re in an abusive relationship. Believe me when I say the sooner you get out of this marriage, the better! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love, Clara
Thank you, Clara. It is painful to listen to my gut, especially since my father is on the very short list of supporters who knows the situation with my husband. But I will listen and act accordingly and try my best to keep my children safe, and try to exit this marriage as well. I wish the situation was different. Hard to be the mama, responsible for getting us out of all this.
Dear Anonymous,
It sure is hard being the one responsible! I can empathize with you so very much. It’s often ‘easier’ to turn our heads and hope that everything will turn out okay. But, you and I both know we can’t do that. My hope and prayer for you is for courage and strength to do what you need to do to keep your children safe. My love to you.