If you’ve been following my story, you know that on March 17, 2007 there was a life-changing event that took place.  That was moving day! John Hinton made the decision to leave his wife and two daughters and move into a home with a son and daughter-in-law.  He also made the decision to cause a lot of pain!

Looking back seven years, almost eight years later, I don’t know how the girls and I survived.  I really don’t.  That was a hard, hard time in life for us.  I’m not saying it wasn’t difficult and painful for the rest of the family, but we were the ones who lived through this pain first-hand.  We were caught in the middle of this emotional mess, and it was far from an easy transition!

As I said in the last post, I was left holding that piece of paper given to me stating the terms of separation.  So, what did I do?  I did what probably most people would have done when in a total state of shock, panic, and denial. 

I froze in my tracks. 

I didn’t cry.  I didn’t beg him to stay.  I didn’t feel much of anything except total and immediate fear.  I was petrified of what was going to happen.  John had made plans for himself.  He knew where he was going to live.  He made certain that he had a business car that was later given to him as his own.  He had a top-notch phone, high-speed internet (unlimited, I might add), and most importantly he had the security of knowing he would have food, shelter, and the love and support of a church family, a community, and of his immediate family.

I remember saying to the girls something like, “Would you like to come to the NSA meeting today?”  Obviously, I didn’t want them to be at home when furniture was being moved out of the house.  And, I sure didn’t want to be around for that!  My granddaughter had stayed overnight, so she was there, too.

Interestingly, the shock and grief hit each of us in a different way.  One daughter immediately threw herself on the couch and began screaming that she didn’t want her dad to leave.  She curled up into a fetal position and sobbed.

The other daughter reacted more like I did — she was quiet and she looked angry.  My granddaughter looked baffled and so hurt and confused.

I asked again, “Would you like to come with me to the meeting?”  We were like zombies — robots — not thinking.  The pain and shock were too much.

One daughter opted to stay home, and to this day I will always regret allowing her to do that.  She saw and heard things that she never should have.  How horrible it must have been for her to see people from church lined up to help move her father out of her home!  How terrible that not one soul was wise enough to call me and give me a heads up as to what was happening so that I could prepare my children!  I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her to see her dad pulling out of the driveway with his belongings and his entourage of friends.  Never should I have left her!

My granddaughter and other daughter came with me to the meeting.  I don’t know how I drove there.  I really don’t.  The snow was falling fast and furiously, it was difficult to see, and my eyes were dripping in tears running like a river.  My head felt like it was going to split wide open and a million questions were swirling through my mind.

“How will I make the mortgage payment when I don’t get paid for two more weeks?”  “How will I buy fuel oil to heat the house?”  “How will I buy all of the food and pay for things like doctor’s visits, dentist visits, and clothes?”

“How will we live?”  John had made it very clear that he did not intend to give me one cent towards taking care of the girls. 

I remember nothing — absolutely nothing — about the program at the meeting of NSA that day, but I do remember wondering how I was going to feed the girls.  The cost was $45 and that included hearing the speaker, getting the materials, and the meal.  NEVER did anyone bring children with them, and there I was — two children in tow!

I asked the girls to find someplace to hang out in the building where we were meeting.  There was a pool, so I said to just go sit by the pool for a few hours.  Oh, I just wasn’t thinking!!!  The entire time during the program I was worried sick about the meal.  What was I going to do?  I didn’t have one extra dime to spare.  I was going to this meeting to learn how to become a “paid” public speaker in order to make some additional income that we needed so badly, especially since racking up thousands of dollars of debt when John got in trouble with the money scam.  We were close to $150,000 in debt with attorney’s fees, fines, and other legal fees from that mess.  Plus, there was the ever-looming $1.2 million lien against the house in John’s name only.

Now this!  Alone, and not a dime to spare!!!  And, certainly not enough money to provide for the girls and me.

Mothers do amazing things for their children!  In fact, this mother (me) shocked myself that day.  At the close of the program, I went right up to the President of the meeting and said very quietly, “I had somewhat of a tragic thing happen today and I don’t know what to do.”

She looked at me with compassion.  I didn’t know this woman at all, but…..my girls needed food, and I was going to do everything in my power to get them food!

“Just as I was leaving for today’s meeting my husband gave me the news that he had trucks lined up to move him out.  He’s leaving.  I didn’t want to leave my daughter and granddaughter home to see this, so I brought them here with me.  Is there any way that two additional chairs can be put up to the table where I’m sitting so that they can share my meal?”

I’m crying as I’m writing this.  It was such a helpless feeling to be so alone and afraid.  But, I knew immediately that she understood.

Very discreetly, she pulled me aside and said, “Don’t you worry.  Your girls will have a meal with us, and you will sit at my table.  I’ll ask for two more plates and they will be served with us.”

My God had answered my prayers!!!  My entire body was shaking as I went looking for the girls.  They were right where I told them to stay — by the pool.

I remember our meal was chicken and I was too sick in my stomach to eat all of mine.  But, the girls happily ate.  They had no idea how difficult the months ahead were going to be.  They were simply counting on me to make it all okay.  And, by the grace of God, I was determined to get through this and to be able to take care of them!

I believe that God gave me the desire to join that speaker’s group so that on the day John moved I would have the support I needed to make it through March 17.  I believe the President of that group was assigned to be my guardian angel for that day!

Our drive home was long and difficult.  My heart was racing, and I know I’ve never had a headache of that magnitude.  Fear of the unknown is so terrible.  It can really wreck a person in a million different ways.

As we pulled into the driveway, I whispered to the girls, “I don’t know what to expect.”  My little one said something I’ll never forget.

“I’m glad he’s finally gone.”

And, she was right.  She and I often talked about how we could feel the very presence of evil in the house.  Maybe now that feeling of evil would be gone.

If only it was that easy!

We opened the door to a nearly empty house.  It was stone quiet except for the muffled sobs of my other daughter whose heart was broken.

“God, how am I going to do this?  How am I going to keep us together?  How are we going to get to a place where this is going to be okay?”

The house was an empty shell.  John had made a clean sweep of things.  Yes, indeed.  He had this well-planned out.  He took pots and pans, cookie sheets, dishes, the living room furniture, the dining room table where we had always eaten family meals, the bed, the dresser………all gone.  All gone.

And, pictures.  He took the pictures of the kids off of the wall.  He knew that would break my heart so bad.  He knew exactly how to cause pain.

We didn’t do much sleeping that night.  For one thing, John had taken the lamps —  all but two if I remember correctly — and our home does not have overhead lighting.  So, we sat by candlelight.  We cut the heat WAY back because the fuel tank was almost empty and that is a dangerous level to be in mid-March in the mountains of Pennsylvania.  We drank hot tea and fumbled our way through the night.

The next day was Sunday, and I’m told John was sitting up front and center belting out the hymns.  The girls and I didn’t go to church.  It would be a very long time until we found a place to call “home” with church.  In all honesty, I still haven’t found that place.  I’ve tried and tried, but I have trust issues with preachers.  That’s another story for another time.

The next time, we’ll talk about how John landed a “manny job”, how he continued to build his ironclad supporters, and how different I was suddenly seeing some of the events that had taken place in my married life.

I knew nothing of John’s molesting of children, but I knew with 100% certainty that something was not “normal” with him.  Now that I had distance between us, I knew he was a morbid liar.

And, the look.  That horrible look he gave me time and time again.  He could not look a person in the eyes and he always was wearing a smirk.  That smirk was frightening.  John had the now-famous Sandusky’s smirk.

What does all of this have to do with a child molester?  Why am I sharing these intimate details of our break-up with you in hopes of educating you about pedophiles?

Three things stand out like blaring signs to me right now.

1.  Pedophiles do not know how to love.  They are selfish beyond words.  Their goal in life is to satisfy themselves emotionally and physically. 

2.  Pedophiles are master manipulators and controllers.  They will make you feel like you are worthless.  They will creatively and very purposefully turn others against you all the while “pretending” they love you.  Again, I believe they are incapable of loving in the true, godly sense.

3.  Pedophiles hurt children.  And, pedophiles hurt adults.  They target the ones who are insecure and seem weak and helpless.  And, they are cunning enough to make others think they care, but they enjoy seeing people in pain. 

Together, we are getting smarter.  Together, we are learning.  Together, we will be able to teach our children how to protect themselves from the evil actions of pedophiles!

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for sharing.  Thank you for caring enough about the safety and well-being of our children to get educated.  Until we learn about the way pedophiles lie, connive, plan, plot, and hurt, we will never be able to stop them.

Education is prevention, and that is our ultimate goal!!!!  We must be educated enough to prevent pedophiles from reaching our precious children! 

Love,

Clara