A very warm welcome to those of you who are here. I appreciate the continued interest and response coming from so many people who are interested in keeping our children safe from child molesters. While I do not ever claim to be an expert on this topic, I do have years of experience with knowing how a pedophile plans and works so hard to groom, manipulate, and eventually molest children. Unknown to me until two years ago, I was married to a practicing pedophile. There were definitely “red flags” all throughout our marriage, but I didn’t have a clue what these indicators meant. The sole purpose of this blog is to educate you so that you can be aware of things to look out for that might be red flags that you’re seeing, too, so that we can keep our children safe. Education is the most powerful first step we can take against child predators!
If you are new to this blog, I suggest you begin by reading from the very beginning of my story.
Last week we took a bit of a break from the sequence of this story to interject some important information about a letter I recently received from John while he currently is serving time in prison. Most of you “got it” — you understood that even as a pedophile sits in prison aware that he is there because he has committed the most vile acts against a child, his mind is still on one thing: little children. In fact, as I shared with you, John was bold in his request for photos of little children, promising “not to have those naughty thoughts” because he has been forgiven and is now “free.” Hopefully and prayerfully, nobody will fall into this trap of manipulation that he continues to use. Please, do NOT send this man photos of any children to be exploited, shared, and used for self-stimulation and gratification!
Now, to continue on with our story, let’s pick up where we left off. Christmas was a disaster — lots of heartache and tears. But, I really believed that redemption would come with New Year’s Eve.
By this time, I was just days away from our first baby being born. In fact, our due date was January 23. As is true for almost every woman alive, I was looking forward to spending a wonderful New Year’s Eve with my husband. This was our very first time to bring in the New Year as a married couple so I planned a special Pennsylvania “good luck” meal — mashed potatoes, pork roast, and sauer kraut. I wanted to make this a super, extra special night for John to remember! Since we were living below poverty level at the time, I knew there wouldn’t be anything real festive, but….I thought it would be so much fun after our meal together to drive around Oklahoma City and look at the last of the Christmas lights and tinsel and simply enjoy spending some time together talking about the coming year and the addition of our baby. You have no idea how happy just the thought of spending this time together meant to me!
Two nights before New Year’s eve John hit me with the news. “Dear, I have to tell you something and you’re probably not going to be happy.” *Note: I hated to be called “Dear” — I don’t know why, but I didn’t like it. Maybe it’s because I knew it almost always was followed by some sort of bad news.
“There’s going to be a big New Year’s Eve party for the teens at church. I’ve been working on the plans for this party for several weeks now, and I think it’s best if you don’t go. It’s going to be all night long, and your back will be killing you. You won’t feel good and I won’t have time to run you home and then go back to the party.”
Honestly, I can still remember when John had “the talk” with me un-inviting me to spend New Year’s Eve with him. I know what dress I had on, and I can tell you where I was standing in the tiny kitchen when he threw that dart ever so swiftly at me.
“What do you mean? Why can’t I be with you? I want to spend New Year’s Eve with YOU!!! This is our first one together, and I don’t want to sit here in this apartment by myself. Please can’t I go?”
I feel humiliated telling this story. I really do. Somehow it makes me feel so unattractive and repulsive. I’m actually sweating and I can feel my heart racing as I’m writing this. It’s a horrible feeling to know this kind of rejection.
John didn’t flinch. “I told you that you can’t go. I have too many games planned and it’s my job to keep things going at this youth activity. It’s my job as youth minister. You know that. I can’t be babysitting you and taking care of the party, too.”
I was quickly learning not to fight the inevitable. John was a quiet man — very rarely in all of our forty years together did I ever hear him raise his voice. But, he was immovable in what he said. Once he said he was doing something, there was no changing his mind. I learned that very quickly in this first year of marriage.
There would be no need to make the pork roast and sauer kraut. John wouldn’t be home. He was eating with the church kids. There would be no driving around the city to see the lights. There would be no wearing the dime-store party hat on New Year’s Eve. Instead, I would be spending this first New Year’s Eve alone.
It’s embarrassing to say this, but I went to bed crying that night. Instead of fighting back, I whimpered like a dog that had been kicked in the gut and sent outside for being a bad dog. There were no hugs from John. No apologies. No saying he’d make it up to me. A saying I used over and over in my life was true, “It is what it is.” He would be leaving me home on our first New Year’s Eve.
All day December 31, I kept hoping and praying that John would change his mind. Better yet, I kept praying that somehow he was teasing me. I don’t know why I always thought that way — a coping mechanism for heartbreak, I guess. I got dressed that day and put on a fake happy face hoping beyond all hope that sometime during the day he’d say, “I was only kidding. You know that. How in the world could I ever leave you home alone on New Year’s Eve?”
But, that moment never came. Instead, he spent hours in the locked bathroom (his usual habit that I finally accepted) with the “party planning book” and his notebook of games they were going to play. He got all spiffed up, put on extra cologne (he used Old Spice — funny how I can still remember the smell), and clipped his finger nails. Isn’t it strange how much we can remember when we’ve either experienced a life-changing wonderful moment or a moment of trauma that has been imprinted forever in our subconscious?
I held back the tears….I fought so hard to hold back the tears as John drove away for the party. I watched from the upstairs apartment window, waving good-bye, and then running to the bedroom where I buried my face in a pillow and sobbed through the entire night!
I remember sobbing so hard that I thought I’d go into labor. I remember thinking, “I didn’t even get a phone number of where he’ll be if I need him.” I remember not even having the strength or desire to turn on the TV to watch New Year’s Eve celebrations across the country. I wanted one thing — to be with my husband. That’s all. I just wanted to be near him. I would have been happy to just sit in the same room where he was, and he knew it. Instead, he pushed me away and made me feel ugly, disgusting, and worthless.
I kept getting up to use the bathroom — my bladder was not in the best shape due to being so pregnant. At one point Vashti (one of the sisters that lived beneath us) called up the steps, “Are you okay, Mrs. Hinton?” I know that she heard me crying (okay, sobbing — loudly!), and the toilet kept flushing. I walked to the steps and just said, “I’m okay. Thanks for asking.” I’m sure that Vashti and her sister wondered the same as I was wondering. Why was I left home alone on New Year’s Eve?
I’ve thought long and hard over the years about that one question. Why would any husband do this to his wife? Why would a Christian husband to this to his wife? Why would a newly married man do this to his wife? Why would a decent human being (even if just friends) do this to anyone?
As I’ve studied more about the minds of pedophiles, I’ve learned that “control” and “manipulation” are their driving forces. It’s not initially about the sex, although that comes into play later on (terrifyingly so). But, initially, it’s about control. A mad, almost savage need to be in total control. And, I now better understand why John treated me the way he did. He had total control without ever raising his voice or his hand. He could never be labeled a “wife abuser” by anyone in the outside world because he never did anything that even came close to looking like abuse. And, in fact, I was made to feel rather crazy. I was confused. I couldn’t understand what I had done to “deserve” being treated this way. Just as a child often wonders why a parent pushed aside a child — I was that child. I didn’t understand why I was being pushed away. What I have come to understand now is that I was being purposefully mistreated. I was being crushed in spirit. I was being belittled. I was being manipulated. And, my abuser (John) was seeing just how far he could go before I would tell.
Much to his delight I never told. Just as the abused children very rarely ever tell. I was forced into such a broken, confused state of being that I would never tell. I craved his love and blamed myself for not getting it. Can you understand a bit more why little children who have been molested never tell? Can you imagine how confused their young minds are?
What did John do that New Year’s Eve? I don’t know. I know he put on quite a show for the teens at church. He was the center of attention, so I heard in church on Sunday. He was a comic. I heard the teens saying he was the funniest guy they ever met! He planned all kinds of fun games. He ate great food. He was happy to tell me of all of the good food he ate! And, he planned a wonderful midnight devotional where several kids from the youth group gave their lives to Christ. From what others could see, John was one amazing young man!
However, while John was being a “Christian” and converting others, I was at home alone begging and pleading God to somehow teach me how to become a better wife so that my husband would love me.
REMEMBER THIS: Child molesters know what they are doing! They hurt on purpose. They do not care. They lie. They cheat. They will steal your heart and tramp on it. They will take the innocence away from a small child and feel jubilant over their success! And, they groom and manipulate adults prior to grooming and manipulating the children. Why? So that they are never suspected of such heinous wrong doing!
I will close this by saying that John came home about 2:30 a.m. New Year’s Day. I was wide awake waiting for him. I pretended to be so happy that “his party” was such a success. He had to know how much I was broken because there was no hiding my swollen eyes that had been crying all night. And, any person with an ounce of common sense or a shred or love would never have left his wife home alone on New Year’s Eve. He was happy. Another notch of victory for John!
Next week we will talk about the arrival of our first child. Until then, please read the words I’ve written carefully. Read them again and again until it sinks in as to how demeaning a pedophile is. Read these words and understand how calculated every action of a child molester is. Nothing is done randomly. Every action is well thought out — planned ahead with much thought. Do you see yourself in such a situation? If so — RUN as fast as you can and if you have children take them with you!!!
If you are the victim of any abuse, learn the strategies of these abusers and don’t allow yourself to be beaten down ever again! Pedophiles are on a power trip and they use their power to beat others down emotionally. They use children for their sexual and emotional gratification. And, by so doing, they cause a lifetime of terror and pain for these children!
For the children — let’s get smarter and stop this abuse now!
Thank you for reading. And, thank you so very much for caring. Together we can get educated about pedophiles and the way their minds work so that we can stop them in their tracks well before they reach our children. Our children deserve a carefree, innocent childhood! Every child deserves to be treated respectually and with love! Help me in this mission to educate! Spread the word. Be on the lookout. Speak out when you suspect any kind of abuse. And, please hold your children just a bit closer to you every day and tell them how much you love them. They are precious and they depend on us to take care of them. Let’s get educated and empowered — for the children!
Love,
Clara
PS John’s case was said to be one of the most “complicated cases” of child molestation in a long time. To this day, I do not know if he also abused older children. He said his “favored age” was young, prepubescent girls, but I know for a fact that he also molested older girls. I’ll never know for sure how wide the net of his molestation went, but that’s not the purpose of this blog. The purpose of this is to educate you of the cunning ways of pedophiles and how they also groom adults into thinking they are wonderful people. John, to this day, is a wonderful person to many. Hardly a week goes by that I don’t get a call or an email saying, “I know John did this stuff, BUT — he was so good to me and my family. He will always be a pillar of strength to me.” That’s manipulation at its best!
As always, I welcome your comments!
Hi Clara,
This hit a nerve! with me: “*Note: I hated to be called “Dear” — I don’t know why, but I didn’t like it.”
When we were dating the guy that became my husband started with this “dear” stuff. I loathed it! Here I was a young, happy, outgoing woman; it felt like he was wanting me to take on a persona of an old, drab fixture there to do his bidding.
Thanks for sharing your story, I know its hard. I was a victim of molestation, stepfather. I had so much anger and hatred for my mother, I couldn’t understand why she let this happen to me. Then she left him (after trying to kill her) and went to another abusive man (mental and emotional), the anger continued. I was a very broken girl, especially in my teen years. I still have so much hurt and anger at times. I went to a Christian therapist after my having my first child because I was scared to became like my mom. It really helped with my anger and hurt, I began forgiving her because I started to understand. I have forgiven the people who have hurt me but the memories are still there. I have horrible trust issues. My husband has never given me any reason to think he would be a pedofile or abuser, but I would check my children if I left them alone with him; now that they can talk, I ask them if anyone touches them; they know what to do if it happens and know that its not thier fault. I often fear that I am hurting them by being paranoid, I am scared when they become adults they won’t know how to have a healthy sexual relationship. My husband supports me and he allows me to ask these questions when they stay with family or friend without us, which is very rare. He understand how it helps my anxiety and also how prevalent it is. Its sad because these pedofilers take so much from so many people, not just the kids they use. I will keep you in my prayers as I know you are dealing with a lot and thank you again for sharing!!!
I’m so sorry. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, “These pedophiles take so much from so many people.” They leave behind mass destruction and the worst part is they just don’t get it. They really don’t. In my case, John sees it that little children came on to him. And, in his words, “I don’t think I’ve done anything all that bad.” I’m just very thankful he’s sitting in prison where he can no longer harm children.
I understand your concern with your children and I don’t think that will keep them from having a healthy sexual relationship. Children need to be aware that these things happen. I think we need to be age appropriate when talking to them and continue to keep the lines of communication open. It sounds like you’re doing a great job to me! Thank you so much for the prayers. I pray over this site every day asking God to bless each one who visits with extra strength and courage and protection.
Clara, I happened to stumble across your blog today. And its been such a blessing to me! I’m very very very sorry for what you have endured and I hope and pray that God has brought you immense healing. But I wanted to tell you how much this has encouraged me. You see, my uncle was arrested 10 yrs ago for molesting one of his daughters and both of his step daughters. He was a preacher. He was a very “godly” man. It left my world shaken and I couldn’t trust anyone from the church for years. Since then I have forgiven him, but I have nothing to do with him. We were never very close (he is my mom’s brother and my mom is the youngest of 5 siblings, so we have a large enough family that not everyone is close), but I remember him asking my mom if I would write him. I was 19 at the time.
I never wanted to write him. He sickened me. And yet he had the rest of the family wrapped around his little finger. They paid for his defense attorney, fought the case, disowned his daughter (the one he molested who reported him) and then once he was imprisoned, they drive 6hrs to visit him. I have NEVER understood! I’m not saying I hate the man. I don’t wish bad things on him. That is God’s call, not mine. But how in the world can they spend time and money on this monster?
But as I read your blog and the letter your ex wrote you from prison saying “Ive changed. I’ve been forgiven.” my uncle said the same thing! He even said that he thought God had put him in prison for the sheer purpose of witnessing to those men!! When I heard that, I nearly threw up. God would never have a man molest 3 young girls (and possibly more) just to save a few souls in prison. There are other ways to accomplish that!
My family was very hateful to me because I didn’t support him. And to this day, I receive the cold shoulder on the topic. It has hurt me. For 10 years. But after reading your blog, I realize that I was right! My gut was telling me the truth while they fell for the well conceived lies! I know I may not be able to change their minds, but I cannot thank you ENOUGH for making me feel normal again. That Im not the crazy, negative, cynical person that said/thought I was.
Thank you!! Your purpose in life definitely reached me!
You most certainly are not crazy, negative, and cynical. You are quite sane! I hope that you’ll stick with reading this blog because it will help you to see the way a pedophile’s mind works — the conniving, controling way they make others feel so wrong and they look so innocently right. In fact, they make it look like they were the ones who were betrayed.
I get what you’re saying about giving this man support. I don’t get it either except that a molester continues to exert control — even while in prison!
Thank you so much for your comment. I think thousands of others need to see what you’ve seen. For too long we’ve hidden behind the painful control of these molesters and have allowed ourselves and so many children to be hurt by them. It’s time to stop this abuse now! Please feel good about yourself! You’re a strong, intelligent woman! And, you certainly don’t deserve to be snubbed by anyone! I thank God for people such as you!
You know, I don’t think this frightening need for control is limited to pedophiles. My friend was in an abusive relationship for several years, and so much of what you write reminds me of her partner. The emotional beating-down, the control, the feeling that *you’re* the crazy one. He also claimed to be a good Christian guy, but his actions proved otherwise.
I’m struggling to know how to phrase this exactly, but I’m reminded of that verse which talks about “children, obey your parents IN THE LORD”. In any relationship, there shouldn’t be that unquestioning obedience or submission. Being a godly wife doesn’t mean being a doormat. Love means seeking God’s best for someone, not allowing them to continue to do what’s wrong (eg: we have always taught our kids to obey, but also discussed with them what to do if someone asks them to do something wrong like stealing). I am absolutely NOT saying this in judgment of you; please hear my tone of voice as far as possible through written words. This is something I have wrestled with myself – not that my husband is abusive in any way, but for a long time I felt I could never challenge anything he did or make any suggestions or even slightly negative comments, because then I would not be a “submissive wife”. Again, that’s not what he said to me, but a self-imposed and utterly wrong standard. I had to learn to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and not the approval of my husband or anyone else. Those things are important but not ultimate.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Liz, Thank you so much for re-emphasizing the fact that “being a godly wife doesn’t mean being a doormat.” And, I don’t take one single word of what you said in a judgmental way. Honestly, when I look back on my life, I shudder. I was belittled on so many levels that I honestly don’t know how I found the strength (except by the grace of God) to stand up on my own two feet. And, I know I’m not alone in this type of abuse.
One thing that needs to be emphasized over and over again (and something you’ve pointed out) is that emotional and physical abuse can come from others — not just pedophiles. And, ANY and ALL abuse is WRONG!!!!!
Thank you so much for your comments.
The one thing my pastor says that a parent can not tell their children to do is sin. Liz, you are right. Most abuse people, men and women, need to control other people. They want to play god
I put my pastors blog on the weblink
I have been abused and belittled all my life, too, and was molested by my step-grandfather when I was a child, until I was 12 years old (at which point I refused to visit my grandmother, who was enabling him, and so were my parents by making me go and visit overnight many times).
My mother was very abusive (mostly emotional abuse, but also physical, in that she got my brother to beat me up when I said something she didn’t like, until I was 20 and he was 19), and told me every day that I was useless, worthless and good for nothing, ugly and stupid, too (I have an IQ of about 140), and that nobody would ever want to marry me. And if somebody would be interested, she’d tell him what I was really like, and he wouldn’t want me any more. She was my mother, and I believed her. If you hear these things every day from the time you’re about five years old, you believe them.
When I came to Canada for a year (I arranged it behind my mother’s back, and she was furious to lose control over me), I met my husband. He seemed very mature, so non-youthful in his manner, always preaching, always quoting from the Bible. I thought that he must be a saint and if things went wrong, it must be my fault!
He is not a pedophile…… he has little interest in children, other than his many grandchildren. He took little interest in our kids, or any other ones, when they were little.
BUT he is a psychopath and a master manipulator, and a complete control freak. And he is one of the ‘pillars of the community’ in our small town…… working hard for the church, as an elder, the chair of the missionary committee, volunteering for our local youth shelter…. everybody thinks he is absolutely terrific. He treats me with the utmost respect…. when we’re out. When we’re home, he belittles me and upsets me, and expects to control my every move. And unfortunately, he works from home, because he has his own business.
I can so relate to your ‘honeymoon from hell’, too! Mine was fairly similar.
But if I would leave (even though I am tempted more and more, after being married for 34 years), our kids would ALL be on his side…… he has them so blinded to the truth, that they think I AM the crazy one, the un-Christian one for not ‘treating my husband right’ when I get mad and yell at him!
And of course, he NEVER raises his voice, either. And yes, he lives by lists, too. And he NEEDS all the recognition he gets, so he is very, very busy doing good. But he does it all without love…. he does it because Jesus ‘commands’ it. He has no love, he has a heart of stone.
Anyway, I think it is amazing that you’re writing all this, allowing yourself to be exposed in such a way, to save children from falling into the hands of predators like your husband. I admire you greatly!
And of course, I didn’t use my real name (you can see it in my e-mail), as I am always afraid that my husband will google my name and find things I’ve written.. he is very suspicious of everything I do, and so I had to learn to be sneaky, which is completely against my normal way of being…. but I have to survive.
You have no idea how much this puts knots in my stomach. Living in fear. Living under total control. Living with a person who tells you you’re crazy. Living with someone you know to be such a different person in public than when at home. It’s torture!
I totally “get it” about the fear of your chidren not supporting you should you leave. I don’t want to give all of my story away yet, but….been there, done that. But, you know what? Eventually, the truth is exposed — without us ever having to say a word! And, I want to interject that I have the most amazing kids in the entire world! You have no idea how proud I am of them!!!
Stick with this blog. I think you’re going to find some very helpful information! I’m proud of you! I have a feeling you and I would be wonderful friends if given the chance!
Clara, your reply brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I think we could be friends. Today I read all the rest of your blog entries (my husband went to an elder’s meeting, so he won’t sneak up on me to look over my shoulder, to find out what I am reading). I’ve subscribed to your blog, so I won’t miss out on any future entries.
For 34 1/2 years my husband has been trying to change me in HIS (my husband’s) image. He wants me to be like him, because, ‘obviously’, he is absolutely perfect! If you tell him that you know that he thinks he is perfect, he’ll of course say that isn’t true, since only Jesus can be perfect.
But we tried marriage counselling together with our pastor (big mistake, because they were friends…… our pastor and his wife weren’t my friends after we stopped counselling….. because, apparently, I refused to change!). He asked both of us to write a list of things we think we needed to work on, where we needed to change for the better.
I had a two-page list. My husband didn’t have a list. He couldn’t think of a single thing where he needed to improve. Our pastor suggested that he needed to work on having more empathy with people, because he tended to be too harsh and judgemental (which he had observed in elder’s meetings). My husband very reluctantly agreed that yes, maybe he could work on that. But, of course, he never did.
I used to see a counsellor for severe depression more than ten years ago, who eventually asked for my husband to come, too. He did…….. to help the counsellor to fix me. After the second session together I refused to go back to counselling, unless I could go alone again. Because after sessions with my husband I was MORE depressed than before!
If only I didn’t have to listen to his long sermons on why everything bad happening to me is all my own fault…. including being ill. If only I would ‘read the Bible more and prayed more’ I’d long be healed.
A naturopathic doctor told me that as long as I stay with my husband I won’t get better, because he is the cause of my problems……. that the stress of living with him is making me physically ill.
Reading your blog makes me see things more clearly…. because other than molesting children (which is terrible), my husband is a lot like yours. Manipulative, getting people on his side, with everybody thinking what an amazing, God-fearing man he is! He preaches in our church on a fairly regular basis, teaches the teen Sunday-school class…….. I HATE listening to his sermons, because I know what a hypocrite he is.
I will pray for you and your children (I’ve checked out your son’s blog, too)…… what a terrible thing to find out about your own husband. My situation is bad enough….. but I can’t imagine adding the knowledge that my husband has been molesting kids right under my nose my whole marriage! It must be more than you can bear at times. I am glad you have your children and grandchildren who love and support you.