Chosen to be a Child Molester’s Enabler: The Beginning of My Story

Part of my mission, my purpose in life, is to educate others about child predators.  I’m not here to stir up some kind of crazy hype, but to present the facts and to give you a bit of insight as to what happened in my own life.  How was I so blinded to the fact that for forty years I was living with a practicing pedophile?  How did I not see the signs?  How did I not pick up on something being very wrong with the man I married?  
The truth is that I sensed something was wrong even before we got married, but I didn’t listen to my inner being.  I didn’t pay attention to those nudgings that something was wrong.  Why?  Because as a Christian it had been taught to me from little up that people who went to church were good, honest, moral people.  I was taught to trust people who said they believed in God and followed His teachings.  And, I did just that.  I was, unfortunately, one of the most trusting women who ever walked the face of the earth!

Pay attention to this, please!  Just because a person tells you that they walk by the teachings of God does not mean it’s true.  In fact, the word of God warns us against “wolves in sheep’s clothing”, and I learned first-hand just what that meant.  But, it would be years before my eyes were totally opened to this fact. 
As a bit of background information, I came from a broken home.  My parents divorced when I was fourteen, a sister of mine died when she was thirteen, my mother was an alcoholic, and my father was by today’s terms a “dead beat dad.”  Needless to say, I longed for a different life, and I prayed constantly that God would send a good, righteous, faithful Christian into my life so that I could build a home on godly principles and a firm foundation. 


I worked hard all through high school so that I could go to college.  But, I didn’t want to go to just any college.  It had to be a Christian college because I sincerely believed that was the only place I would ever meet a Christian man to marry.  Because I worked so hard all through high school, I earned a four-year scholarship to a four-year state school.  BUT, you guessed it!  The idea of finding and marrying a Christian man was so ingrained in my heart and mind by now that I passed up the scholarship and instead went to a very small, two-year Christian College.  Little did I know that this one decision would lead to so much heartache for me and for those who are most special in my life — my children.  While it’s true that we can’t see around every bend in the road, there are signs and signals along the way.  I didn’t pay attention to anyone who tried to talk to me.  One thing was on my mind — finding a Christian mate!

Every person wants to feel special, and longs to be told that they stand out among all of the rest.  During the summer between my first and second year of college I met a young man who was articulate, bright, funny, witty, and who also told me that I stood out.  He was spending the summer at college and so was I.  A friendship developed, and even though I was engaged to marry someone else, this young man worked very hard every day to convince me that I was with the wrong person.  He pointed out all of the flaws of the man whose ring I was wearing until he finally convinced me to break off the engagement.  That’s a story in and of itself — maybe I’ll share that with you another day. 

What was a bit strange to me was that the man I would soon marry had a quiet control over me like nobody ever had before.  Even though I had low self-esteem I was used to making my own decisions and being very independent.  For the first time in my life I found I was reporting my every move to this quiet, shy young man. He told me I was special.  He said out of all the girls on campus I was the only one that he thought was pretty and was a true Christian.  He told me just what I wanted to hear.  It was the word “Christian” that nailed me!  I knew he was the one I had been praying about since my youth!

One of the greatest stories my now ex-husband loved to tell was how he spotted me from across campus and said to his roommate, “See that girl?  I’m going to marry her.”  This was totally absurd because at the time he said that we had not even met!  He later told me he would hide and watch me — study me — and he knew my schedule, when I was going to eat, when I’d walk back to campus, when I would go to work.  He said, “I knew everything about you.  I knew where you were from morning until night. I knew I would marry you.” 

Instead of being freaked out and thinking this guy was some kind of stalker psycho, I was flattered.  “He chose me.”  Out of all of the girls around, he chose me and that again was more evidence of answered prayers.  Deep inside, though, was a gnawing feeling that something wasn’t right.  He didn’t talk much.  And, for a man who said he loved God, he made fun of people in a mean way.  He mocked people’s insecurities.  Yes, you guessed it!  He mocked me on several occasions and I felt like a piece of dirt he had stepped on.  He made fun of the size of my nose.  He made fun of my feet calling them “hammer head toes.”  He made fun of the space I have between my teeth.  I cried myself to sleep many, many nights, but still……..he was a Christian man, and he was so nice when we were together in public.  He opened the car door for me (it was my car, by the way).  He paid the bill when we went out to eat and left a nice tip.  (It was my money that he used.)  He talked me into giving him my car (which I had since I was 16) and I found myself asking him for permission to use my own car.  This was really weird! 

Why did I put up with it?  Why does anybody put up with abuse?  Because they’ve been so used to being beaten down that they think this is the norm. Please, please — if you’re in a situation like this run for your life!!!  This is NOT the way a good relationship works!  And, it’s a red flag indicator of many other problems — in my case, it was a big red flag that I was being masterfully manipulated.  Groomed to be the wife of a pedophile who was already deeply involved in porn and child sexual molestation!  

 Learn to listen for “clues” that a decision you’re making might not be right.  I had BIG clues that I passed off as “odd”, “not making much sense”, “silly”, or “not that big of a deal.”

Clue 1:  For the last four months we dated, my fiance was in Israel doing overseas study.  We corresponded by letter only.  We were to get married less than one week after he arrived back in the states.  In his letters he would write to tell me how he would hide behind the grasses on the beach and watch girls changing out of their clothes and swimming nude.  He said he’d skip class and stay there all day.  In other words, he was openly telling me he was a “peeping Tom.”  This was a test of how far he could manipulate me and I passed with flying colors! I never questioned him about it.  Oh, I cried lots, but I never questioned him!

Clue 2:  He told me while we were dating that he and one of his cousins spent the summers together and they would steal cartons of cigarettes from stores and sneak out of the house at night and smoke the cigarettes and look at “porn” all night long.  Another test!  I looked at him quietly but never questioned him.  If you want to know the truth — I didn’t even know what porn was!!!!!  I had to ask my college roommates.  Again, I was being tested.  Could he get away with doing things right under my nose?  Sure he could. I’d never question a man of God!

Clue 3:  He was almost 21 and his favorite job was to “babysit all the little kids at church for free because he loved to give them baths and powder their little butts.”  I’m totally sick now as I write these words.  Why in heaven’s name didn’t I run from this man? There were so many clues that something was wrong, and I passed them off as being a little odd.  Nothing more — just a little bit odd. In fact, I actually thought this was kind of nice.  I never saw my father get involved in parenting like that, and I thought, “Wow!  This man will make a wonderful father!”    

Porn.  Lying.  Peeping Tom.  A young man who loves bathing and powdering little kids.  Masterfully manipulating.  Gaining the trust of adults. (Church people loved him babysitting their kids!)

I was another one of his victims.  I was being set up. I was being groomed  I would be the perfect alibi for his continued evil behavior.  He was calculating.  He studied me.  He used me.  He used my faith as a means to get what he wanted.  He knew what he was doing! His actions were no mistake.  He worked very hard to plan every detail.   

Listen up everyone!  Please don’t do as I did!  If your gut is telling you something is wrong, it probably is!!! Pay attention to the little details and the little voice that is whispering something is wrong!!! 

This is just the beginning of my story.  I will share more in the weeks to come in hopes that others will not be blinded to the facts as I was.   We must get educated about child sexual molesters so that we can protect life’s most precious blessings — our children!

Why am I sharing the ugly, sad parts of my life?  That’s simple.  Because children are beautiful.  Children are precious.  Children deserve to be protected.  Statistics (according to information found here ) tell us that 1 in every 3 girls and 1 in every 6 boys are molested by the age of 18.  Please help me to stop this!  Let’s get educated!  Let’s do all we can to make it incredibly difficult for the molester!  Let’s be vigilant on behalf of our children — at all times!!! 

Every child should have the ability to grow up feeling safe and loved and whole and pure! 

It isn’t easy or comfortable for me to write about this, but I must.  I must take this terribleness and do something positive with it.  I must work for the safety of our children. 
Thanks so much for stopping by and for taking the time to read this.  Thanks even more for making yourself more aware of what is going on right under our noses — in our schools, our churches, our camps, our homes.  Let’s do all we can to work together to make this a safe place for our children!  

Love,
Clara

 

79 thoughts on “Chosen to be a Child Molester’s Enabler: The Beginning of My Story

  1. Pingback: Married to a Pedophile: The Day I Knew He was Two Different Men! | Finding A Healing Place

  2. We all were at Northeastern together,however my ex-husband was not a pedophile but I sure can relate to the controlling factor! We didn’t have children because we were unable and that is sad. I go to church with your son Tim, so if you don’t want to reply I will understand.

    • Marsha, I remember you and I thank you so much for having the courage to write!!! Thank you so very much! I’m so very sorry that you don’t have children. This life sure can hold a lot of pain. And, you are so very right about the controlling factor. That is a form of abuse that people often shy away from talking about, but it is horrible! I hope life is happy for you right now!

  3. My name is Robert. I have been corresponding with your son. That is how I found out about your website. I I am a new Christian, less than 2months. I was molested as a kid by a total stranger, an older child. Since most victims know their molester, that makes me in a minority. I felt the molestation was just a form of creative bullying. God’s given me a lot of healing and I want to share it. I don’t want to sound like an insensitive jerk. If I come off that way in ANY way, I want to apologize in advance. I spent the night thinking about what I wanted to say to you in this initial post. There were two things:

    1. You can’t do this for the kids only and expect God to bless your work. If you are doing it this way, then you are running on your own steam. God wants you to run on his steam. He loves you and the children you want to protect. You have to put it in your heart and mind, that this work is to the glory to God and that this is a task that God gave you to do. Many non Christians are opposed to child abuse and they fight the battle in their own strength. We are not to fight our battles with the same spirit as they do.

    2. Your husband clearly sensed early on, that you would be vulnerable to his manipulations. You advise women to run, but men like your husband will be able to smell the vulnerability of women that they can manipulate. If a woman is being wooed b.y such a man, is reading your blog, where should they run to? I know that is a tough question without an easy answer.

    My pastor’s wife and daughters post a blog together. I put it in my web link. They are very active in Christian education and they are good people to know. BTW I live in Idaho.

    • Robert, Thank you for introducing yourself. I’m really sorry it’s taken me this long to approve this comment. I honestly didn’t see it. Thank you for the deep insights you have into child molestation.

  4. Pingback: Married to a Pedophile: One Word that Changed My Life! | Finding A Healing Place

  5. If one in every three girls are victims of child molesters …one in three woman are involved with or married to child molesters…it devastates me to know that back in the 60-70’s I came in contact with molesters from the age of four until twelve…The molesters were all husbands, and one was a dentist. I managed to escape from two of them, but the fear within they caused took years to soothe. How utterly unbelievable it is to me that in 2014 this crime against children is still filled with shame and blame for the victims and for those who speak of it. It’ s like the molester has the world under a trance with their message: “shh…say nothing, I didn’t do anything…shh..don’t speak of it” …yet it is the worst form of betrayal a child can experience. I am truly sorry to hear of your pain, and your children’ s pain, but I am thankful that you are speaking of it. GOD has given you courage to speak for children, and that is the greatest gift you can give. I don’t understand why people point the finger at you and say what they say, they need to look at the one who did what he did. Why oh why do they try to blame/shame the innocent? They can’t face the monster who molested…? I don’t know the answers, but I know you could not prevent his choices or his sick behavior. I feel for you and your kids, it is incredibly painful to love someone who is not who you thought he was, and who does horrific things to children. I have been given the gift of forgiveness from God and it has given me great peace within …it has freed me from the pain cast upon me by the molesters. You are not responsible for his actions/behavior…you are only responsible for your own. Love I send to you.

    • Anna, Thank you so much for your comment! I think child molestation is one of the most misunderstood, devalued things there is. So many people want to shove this under the rug and pretend it doesn’t happen! I cannot imagine what it does to a child to have this kind of betrayal by an adult — a person who should be trusted and should be there to help! You’re so right — the world does seem to be in some kind of trance. I think a large part of the “turning of their heads and pretending it doesn’t exist” is because so many people are involved — either in the capacity of molester or victim.

      I’m so glad to hear that you are living in a place of peace. Again, thank you so much for your comment!

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